OT-about my dd15 and friend...
Ok-so I try to stay out of girl drama, friend issues, etc except to advise my dd15. But she told me some things last night that I am just sort of appalled about and dont know if I need to take any action or not. She has a friend I will call H. H just moved here this summer, however, H's father is originally from this area and was actually my junior prom date! So I felt i knew the family and H would be a suitable friend. Fairly early on, I found out that she had some problems where she lived before-it was described as seh was being bullied and had a suicide attempt-they moved here to a much smaller town for a "fresh start". Fine. Ok.
Things seemed ok at first, then H became progressively more hateful to my dd. Saying really rude things etc. H's mom started to get weird with my dd15-wanting my dd to "watch" H and report things back and expecting MY dd to answer her phone at all times to her so she could report on H. H's mom tried to talk to me about H's moodiness,etc and truthfully I just told her I tried not to get involved but let the girls work things out. They stopped being close for awhile, but then H had another hospitalization around t-giving. I think my dd felt bad and felt maybe H had some legit problems but they were better now and wanted to renew their friendship.
So on to my latest concern. H has a new boyfriend. DD told me H had sex with this guy one night-barely knew him, but then a week later became his gf. Yikes. My dd15-i like to think anyway is not sexually active-I did use this to open a dialogue with her as I've had many before about sex-my dd thought it was a "slutty" thing to do but said she still cared about H as a friend. So fine. A few days later she wanted to invited H over to stay the night. So she did. Things seemed fine. Last night I find out that after dh and I went to sleep, that H's new "boyfriend" came and parked in our driveway and H went outside and gave him a "handjob". Then dd went back to school yesterday and another boy showed her a naked pic of H that H had taken the same night while in our bathroom. He then told my dd15 that he had sex with H the next day.
So multiple concerns here. I am feeling obviously that this young lady is not someone I want my dd15 hanging around. at this point, my dd is not really wanting to hang around her any longer. So I guess we are in agreement. But I am a bit upset that some of these inappropriate actions occurred in MY house and am concerned that child porn essentially was taken in MY home. I am also feeling that, yes, this girl is a bad influence, but also perhaps has some legitimate mental health issues and I feel like perhaps I should inform the parents so they can get her the help she needs.
What do you think? Should I do anything?
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No, because your DD told you
No, because your DD told you that in confidence. As long as your DD is no longer hanging around with her, than leave it alone. The parents probably wouldn't believe you anyway. Also, if your DD trusts you enough to give you the scoop, don't betray her trust by getting adults involved in this mess.
funny I was just thinking
funny I was just thinking that
Why is it always someone
Why is it always someone else's responsibility? I encounter this all the time within my own circle. I try to be the "GOOD PERSON" and call out kids of family members when they are doing wrong and you know what happens? They ALL TURN on me. Parents & kids included.
So now? I could give a shit. Let parents be parents. If they don't want to be parents, well, then they will deal with the fallout eventually.
I don't think this woman can do anything. Anonymously? Like "Hmmm, hello, I just thought you should know your daughter is a ho and has sex with random strangers and gives hand jobs in cars." Like that'll help. Let's be real now please...
Ive also lost a friend over
Ive also lost a friend over it in the past. I tried to get involved in a situation involving our daughters-in which both girls had some sort of blame and the other mother, whom I had been friends with for years, refused to believe that her angelic dd did any wrong. We havent spoke in years. So, yeah, that's why I DONT want to do anything.
Could we be implicated in anyway since the naked pics were sent from our home?
Oh.... I'm on the fence about
Oh.... I'm on the fence about this because of what I went through during HS.
My first "friend" there wasn't the best girl on the world. Slept around, cheated on her boyfriends, etc. Was basically kind of a freak. I always had an honest and open relationship with my mom, so I would tell her what the girl was doing. She never swayed me one way or the other, but always checked to make sure I knew what the girl was doing was wrong. We stopped being friends second year of HS because her crazy was just too much for me, but never once did my mom say I couldn't be around her. She did always say for me to have her over at our house instead of the other way around, I guess to keep an eye on her.
The girl ended up being a burlesque stripper.
Anyway, I didn't get influenced because I did know right from wrong, and appreciated the fact that my mom trusted me (outwardly anyway) so I never felt the need to lie to her. My mom said, with teenagers, the more you tell them not to, the more they want to, so she didn't, and she knew this friendship would probably never last. She also confessed she had some crazy friends in her time too, that did similar things, even though she didn't.
May not be the case for everyone, I guess it depends on how much you trust your DD to be responsible. This is just what I went through. Can't tell you if this is nature or nurture...
Anyway I'd be tempted to tell the H to step off, but I think it would be good to have your DD be in charge of that--tell your DD that your house must be respected and that she js responsible for her friend's behavior. I will guess when she is unable to keep her friend contained, that friend will come around less and less... Just my 2 cents.
Agreed sue. I dont always
Agreed sue. I dont always agree with you, but I do here. I do trust dd15 quite a bit-and I didnt have to ban this girl or tell her she's not allowed to hang out with her-she doesnt wish to. Truthfully, she was a bit "flabbergasted" by all of this as she was telling me last night-kept saying over and over "I dont know what to even think about all of this". The fact taht she was shocked reassured me a little of where she's at.
You also make a good point about her not mistreating H. Unfortunately I know dd has already told a couple of their mutual friends because again she is just shocked and wanting to process it with the other girls-however I think I will mention it to her tonight not to say anything to anyone else and certainly it is ok to pull away from hanging out with her, but not to be nasty about it.
She also asked my dd to lie
She also asked my dd to lie for her last week if her mom called. Luckily her mom did not call as my dd would not have lied. Other friends have put her in this position before and she just literally cant lie to them. I know her parents are obviously aware she has mental health issues, but IDK maybe they think she's doing great right now, which apparently she is not. She seems like she is getting ready to self destruct.
I agree with this. If
I agree with this. If nothing else, consider the message it sends to your own daughter if there are no consequences for those actions.
Im not sure how I could
Im not sure how I could anonymously tell her parents? Disguise my voice and leave a message? Cut up letters out of a newspaper and sneak by their house and put it in their mailbox? I know that sounds sarcastic, but really I am not sure how I would go about being anonymous. Not to mention if someone anonymously left me a message about my dd15 being a slut, with no details, context or anything-I honestly would probably chalk it up to some sort of snarky kid trying to get my dd in trouble.
LOL at cutting up letters!
LOL at cutting up letters! HILARIOUS!
That made me laugh too!
That made me laugh too!
I think a letter is
I think a letter is appropriate. I think a parent would be able to tell the difference between the way a teenager writes and the way an adult writes. write a kind letter to her mother and add that you are writing the letter because you would want to be told if it was YOUR daughter and youre trying to do the right thing without starting drama.
stepaside... I did worse
stepaside...
I did worse things than handjobs in my parents house in high school. while they were home.
wish I hadn't treated myself that way. I wish I would have had better standards for myself.
I intend to be more proactive than my mother was.
She should send an anonymous
She should send an anonymous letter saying what exactly?
She can't give details, or else it wouldn't be anonymous.
She can't get herself off the hook for it happening in her house because she didn't see it or know about it. Her DD told her. Therefore, she'd kind of be ratting out her daughter for sharing the info.
I get that the right thing to do is to TELL. However, because TELLING has caused SO MUCH drama in my own life, I prefer to shut my trap and let people handle their own shit.
They don't all want to know what their kids are doing.
This mom obviously knows her kid is a freak or else she wouldn't be asking HMOs to spy on her daughter.
I don't know what to tell you OP. Do what your heart tells you to do I guess.
Well in addition I think the
Well in addition I think the mother of H has a bit of mental health issues as well. We intially started out fairly friendly but when she was putting so much pressure on my dd to spy and then she and H both started telling my dd how bad she smelled like every day. My dh smokes and they are aware of it. He doesnt smoke in the house-on a rare occassion he might be standing outside, the phone rings and he walks in and grabs it-but he doesnt by practice smoke in the home. So they were constantly telling her how much she smelled like smoke. H was telling her how our home smelled like smoke, H told my 10 year old dd how bad it smelled in our house and cant she notice it? Needles to say we were all rather offended. My dd15 got a complex started asking others if she smelled bad, then she apologized to ME saying she knows how hard I work to keep the house clean and she was sorry H and her mom were doing that. She finally told H at that point she had enough and that's when they first drifted apart. But anywho mom is just really weird too. She went on a youth group trip to a concert with them and was throwing cheeseburgers at the youth pastor's head, she went into the men's bathroom, while the youth pastor was in there. Just strange bizarre stuff-so Im not really wanting to dialogue with her.
I had originally felt more of
I had originally felt more of a borderline personality disorder for both mom/daughter-but I did question the bipolar when I heard about all the sexual activity. Just the sexual activity in the last WEEK is probably more than I've got in the last month!! She's a beautiful, beautiful, smart talented girl as well-such a shame.
man, this is a tough choice
man, this is a tough choice for you.
on one hand, you don't want to cause any sort of social problems for your daughter at school.
on the other hand, wouldn't you want to be informed if it were your daughter?
if she has mental problems she may not do anything about it, but that doesn't really excuse you from the responsibility of doing the right thing... yknow?
good luck in whatever you decide.