I would say this to your DH, and that's the end of your input, using most of your words...:

"Well, now its a matter of disrespect. He was told NO and he went and did it anyway. To me its like a 5 year old pitching a fit after being told no and the parent giving in and giving them what they want...I am NOT letting him have that room now especially after he just took it after being told no. He is 19 and if he doesn't like living for free with the room (add in the truck and rent-free living) he has he can leave. This is OUR home, not his."

I think I would leave if my DH ever did this to me.

The stepson is clearly in the wrong and your husband should not be enabling his grown, adult son to think and act like an entitled, whiny, needy, demanding adolescent. The audacity to move his things into a room in a home where he doesn’t pay a bill? That’s grounds for being kicked out. If biological children would pull such a boldly disrespectful move under the roof of their own two parent’s home, many parents would kick them out. What he did was the ultimate smack in the face towards both of you. 

However, he could have been trying to stick it to you and been brashly starting an emotional war with you for publicly humiliating his baby sister. Nonetheless, your husband needs to be man enough to let his son know that he doesn’t run shit under his roof and if he’s going to have such an entitled, demanding attitude then he needs to find a home of his own. 

If this room is your hill to die, put a lock on the door. 

I don’t think we should should criticise, it’s not very constructive for their family circumstances. As my dad would say it is what it is what’s done is done. What she is asking for possibly is a plan moving forward. I’m afraid I don’t have any useful advice on that one. And ultimatums from step kids who don’t know enough about life don’t sit well with me I am afraid.

SS is a disrespectful s***. Honsetly i would hav etold him to put the stuff back in his room or it will be trashed.

What a self righteous POS! I would tell my skid that if he wants to rent the room then it's $800 a month. LOL Adult skids running amuck in your house thinking they can do whatever they want that is bullsh***! OP stand your ground because it is your house!

I assume that both you and DH pay the mortgage and the bills. 

As SS is living rent-free and it's not his damn house, he has NO RIGHT to throw a fit and demand to get the room. It's not his house and he's not contributing. 

It's your house and you have the right to designate what each room should be used for. 

And your DH needs to grow up. 

I agree you shouldn't have humiliated your SD in that way. But what's done is done. 

It's a 50/50 from me on this. 

I get your frustration with SD.. but airing things on facebook (or any social media) is wrong and immature and so dang hard to walk back.  I understand you "snapped".. but I can think of other things you could have done that wouldn't have made you look as bad publicly.. and in fact.. in the end...it really reflected poorly on you.  But it's done.. and it is what it is.  In a vacuum.. one issue shouldn't be cause for permanent banishment.. but this is a big weapon in her arsenal against you.

The boy?  That is absolutely ridiculous.  If one of my SD's had the audacity to move into a room that they were specifically told they couldn't have?  He would have returned to his belongings in the driveway.

I don’t  think there was a thing wrong with shaming the nasty bitch SD. If you don’t want to be shamed and humiliated don’t do shamefull trash things.  None of it was staged or a lie. 

Since you own the home I would evict that asshole ss as quickly as legally possible.  

I don't know how you do it.....I'm reading this blog and I'm just amazed by the f@ckery of it all. The audacity of these step kids. The SS disregarding being told NO and still wanting to do what he wanted and moved his stuff in. Your H burying his head in the sand. SS is very fortunate because I'd be very tempted to do a "Waiting to Exhale" on his @ss. He would come home and see ALL his belongings lit on fire in front of the house, up in flames so he can have something to really hate you for. You have been pushed to the limit and choose to continue living this way.....Why? Do you see what happens when you place yourself last, do everything to appease others?.......they give you their @ss to kiss....Your H who doesn't have the back bone to hold his own is just as bad.

Goodness you have the tolerance level of a saint.

Look, I get that these kids are rude and entitled. But they are that way because your DH made them that way, period. He's the one whose stuff you should be moving out and whose faults you should be criticizing on Facebook.

IMO, everyone is cheering you on, but you should have long ago given DH the ultimatum of either parenting his kids or leaving. Too many people on this board stay in their marriage and punish their skids for what is really their DH's fault.

I don't know how any marriage can survive this - of course DH is angry at you. You did run his daughter off and are now pushing his son out.  Do they need to get out? Yes, absolutely.  But that's not the way to do it, IMO.  Now I suppose that when they refuse to speak to you or DH, you will blame them for being entitled and rude rather than seeing your own contribution to the problem.

OP admitted the social media move was not her best moment. She acknowledges that she was wrong and has had other not so great moments. She has been down this toxic path because of all the BS her H is not handling. She's desperate and frustrated and doesn't have her H's support. It's up to HER now to take her power back and do something about it because her H is incapable. The whole family situation has gone to shit and she needs to save her sanity, or what's left of it. I think its a combination of a whole lot of toxicity that has led to where she is now. Everyone has their share of blame in this but the question is what is she going to do about it?

How is she going to change her life, her situation so she can live her best and healthy life?

Its your home.  SS is 19.  You pay the bills.  SS stays in his old room or he can move out. He’s 19 he can get a room of his  own and pay the rent on it.  It was totally disrespectful for SS to move his stuff in after being told not to.  You can not let him get away with this or you can roll over and become a rug to be walked on. 

This is a hill to died on.  I would not be disrespected in my own home what I am paying for.  Cut off all money to SS cancled his insurance and any thing else you are paying for.  Your DH does not have your back. He’s backing his DS.

SD was told to keep her room clean,  He not cleaning her room was also disrespectful.  We see a pattern here.  You must hold your ground at all cost 

living in my home from September to February 1st.  My home is my sanctuary.  I work very hard in it and for it.  As I'm sure you do in and for yours.  I let her stay in my daughter's beautiful room and she completely ruined it.  She brought in her dogs and I do had to spend DAYS cleaning up dog crap, shoveling (I literally got a shovel from the shed) to get the garbage out and the flooring because dog urine had soaked through to the underlayment.  I had to buy a brand new mattress.  And to this day there is a roach problem back there that no amount of pest control and Advion can get rid of it.  I eventually had to pay $1500 to get her out.  I couldn't live that way anymore.  The smell was horrible.  It had long creeped down the hall from the room to my living quarters.  Now that I'm out of the situation, I look back and how depressed I was having to live that way.  I had to pay $1500 to get her into an apartment that she got evicted from May 1st.  That's what I did to escape.  You had to go on social media to shame her to escape.  I don't blame you.  I don't think you are a bad person.  If you hadn't, you'd still be living that way.  Your husband wasnt going to ever stand up and make her clean it up.  It isn't right to force someone to live that way in such filth and disgust.  I understand cause that was me earlier in the year.  Until they've had someone trash their home with garbage and roaches and urine and dog crap, they'll never understand what its like and what you'll do to escape. 

I probably wouldn't have posted the pictures on Facebook, but in all other respects I don't think that Hershei went far enough in dealing with this gross disrespect of the living environment of her home.  If the SKIDs had behaved thus, in my house, they would both definitely be shown the door, both being legal adults and capable of making their own living arrangements.  I left home at 17 and never trashed any room I stayed in.   SS19 was completely out of order and I would not want him anywhere near me any more.  He can find his own rented room and good luck to him. 

Your SS's behavior is outrageous and unacceptable.  It's equality outrageous that your husband won't put his foot down.  

He should be kicked out of the house.

I don't think it's that big of a deal that you posted the pictures online. It sounds like she trashed the room and ruined the carpet. What she did was worse than what you did.