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My own fault. No more text message reading.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Well, its my own fault. I will no longer give in to temptation with the texting snooping. I'm disengaged and not supposed to be doing this. Need to get back to that mode.

Its funny what SO says that BM texts and what she really texts.

SO conversation with me. BM texted me to ask how I have been feeling. I said fine. Then she asked how you were feeling. I interject "Tell her none of her business". He says "yeah I know". Didn't tell me he answered her. Then says I think she was trying to find an excuse to not let SS come but didn't want to tell him no and make herself look bad. So, I didn't give her a reason. SS is coming SD isn't. She got bad grades and I can't trust that I will not take my anger out on her inappropriately.

What was really said.

SO: Is SD coming over this weekend. SS says he wants to. SD says she has plans with friends though.
BM: Well, that's an issue now. She did make plans but now I'm keeping her home. Got her progress report and she got bad grades.
SO: WTF?
BM: I know, you don't need the added stress right now (referring to his newly diagnosed diabetes that she was told about via skids)
SO: No, My health is fine. Both my parents had diabetes and it was bound to happen. I'm getting it under control though. Nothign to worry about (i'm sure this was his intention to not give off any sense of weakness to BM, but still none of her business)
SO: What were the bad grades in?
BM: Chem and algrebra
SO: he goes on a small rant (again inappropriate) about SD being irresponsible and that he doesn't want her coming over because he will go off on her and can't control his emotions about this. She will have a hard life. He doesn't realize how much BM enjoys watching him get frustrated with SD and him venting to her about it.
BM: I know. You don't need the stress. (VOMIT)
BM: How are you feeling?
SO: no answer, just a question about a pick up detail for SS
BM: How is Helena.H feeling?
SO: She is fine.

Not sure where he got this whole "she wanted an excuse for SS not to come" I think he was padding that conversation to appease me.

Then there are texts scattered on other random days throughout the last month or two.

BM: "SD is in her interview and I'm outside waiting"
SO: at "fast food place"?
BM: Yes

Another day
"Her drivers test was a disaster", "FYI that boyfriend is history"
"Can I have those old home movies and video camera? You copied them for yourself right?" Those are his from my understanding. I think its interesting she wants some old home movies from when the kids were little and they were married.

Its not everyday and his responses are pretty short, but still. I probably don't have much to complain about. Its all mostly about the skids and he's usually short with her. They were on no speaking terms at all for the last year, this is why this is different for me. I don't want her to start her chatty kathy routine again with him calling or texting about nonsense.

The other thing that pisses me off though is that I'm supposed to be understanding of that part of his life. Like there is nothing he can do. Yet, last night I run in to old friends of my late husband. A guy my late husband went to HS with and his wife. We ran in to each other at the gym. Well, SO has made it very clear he wants no part of going to things I'm invited to or meeting friends that late husband and I had (the friends I met because he went to school with them). Makes things awkward sometimes.

Well, I chatted with them and SO was in the basketball gym. I guess he saw us talking. Well, we stopped chatting and they go on their way. SO comes out we are both ready to leave. He's all friendly and chipper with me. Then we go out to the parking lot and he says "who were you talking to". I said "Oh people late husband knew that we hung out with when we were together. He went to high school with guy and his wife was at community college with us" his response "oh"

After that he was withdrawn and not chatty at all. It took him a good hour and a half before he would really talk to me.
So I have to deal with his bitch ex, but I didn't even ask him to meet anyone and avoided putting him in an awkward situation and he pouts???

Really? Your exW just asked about my health and you are responding to her texts and I didn't pout at you!

*Formerly Alwaysanxious*

Comments

imjustthemaid's picture

I also learned many years ago that snooping does me no good at all. It would just upset me and ruin my day. Now BM has no communication at all with us but she used to call DH every single day (we have full custody) and I would check his usage and see he talked to her for 20 min and flip. What could possibly take 20 min to talk about when you don't see your own child!!! Ugh!!

At least SO is short in his responses. DH could talk forever. I think its bullshit that you can't associate with people just because your ex knew them. He needs to stop being a baby!!

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Yeah, I'm done with that. The next time I will just ask him very specific questions about their texts or have him just read them to me. This way he can't put his spin on it. I worry that things will get back to when they were chatty. When SO felt like he had to appease her. I can see this happening because SS13 wants to come live with us, so I see SO using that as an excuse "Not to make it hard on SS, so he can come here". He did that same crap when SD wanted to move too. All that did was make BM worse because then she felt like she had more say so about what went on in our house. Not happening.

I'll remind him not to be a p*ssy when it comes to her.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Been there. I did it before as self defense. Mostly because I didn't want to be surprised by anything. SO didn't tell me that SD took a driving test already (she did take her permit test 4 times over a year ago). But he didn't say a word about her failing the driving test. LOL. Guess he was embarrassed and he is seeing that I was right all along.

DaizyDuke's picture

you know what though? This is how it went with my DH... I jumped up and down, got crabby, got bitchy, pouted, and spit fire about the amount of unnecessary contact between BM and DH and guess what he does? He just makes sure he calls her when I am not around and has told her not call at night and weekends and such when she knows I am there because it upsets me. I understand he was trying to be helpful to me, but it just pissed me off more. Now I feel like they have this little sneaky-deaky thing going. I'm really not sure which is worse.

He does the old copyrighted material... "I have to talk to her because we have SS, if I piss her off then she plays games and she is just such a bitch and I don't want to fight with her".. blah frickity blah! Yep, so fight with me instead.. sounds like a great plan DH. UGH!

stepmom31's picture

I swear, you must be my twin sister... I could have written what you wrote Word-For-Word!

At this point, I don't know which is worse (or which is better)
A. Fight with him - up the ante on the fighting to make it wayyyy worse to fight with me than it is with her, so that he might choose to piss her off rather than me someday.
or
B. Say nothing... accept... find a way to live with the sneakiness of it all, and I have to fight against Myself to do this.

In the end, I'm really hoping for
C. An ex-bf to come back into my life again, so that he can see how it feels. But of course, I don't have the good excuse of having children with any of my exes.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Yes, that's where I am. Well firstly I have to wait for him to bring it up again so that I don't give away my snooping. Really though, I either ignore and not fight that battle, or fight with him.

I think I'm just going to go back to disengagement again. Its going to get worse because SS13 is asking to come live with us before high school starts now (he'll be in 8th grade). I'm not dealing with all the BM crap I did when SD decided to move. Its probably better that I don't know.

I promise you that I will be pointing out SO's ass kissing of BM when he brings it up though.

You are all absolutely right. If I nag, he'll just write to her in private.

Helena.Handbasket's picture

Well he has a different cell phone plan so I can't check it. All I can do is look at his phone if I want to know.I think I'm going to back off again. Knowledge is power, but then again knowledge just pisses me off. I'd rather be indifferent to him and then when I find out something blow up big time.

DaizyDuke's picture

I used to do the same thing (reading text messages every now and then) and would get myself all worked up so I stopped. They were never inappropriate or anything, they were mostly like yours.. BM going on and on and DH just responding with yes or no (or fuck off sometimes)but what bothered me was the implied friendly tone and that is bullshit. There is no other time that it is OK for your spouse to be chitty chatty friends with an ex... oh but if they have a kid then you are supposed to be cool with it.

I had to pull our phone log a few months ago when SS13 ran up $400.00 in overages because DH wanted to see who he was calling. Well for whatever reason the log printed everyone's record (mine, DH, SD and SS) I literally REFUSED... averted my eyes from looking at DH's because I DON'T want to see how many times BM has called him or him her. It just pisses me off, I can't NOT say something and then DH and I get in a big fight.... so not worth it. I know that nothing is going on, I truly do, it's just the fact that he has to have this buddy buddy contact with someone who he slept with that just chaps my ass I guess. Immature of me? Maybe. Human of me? Definitely.

Madam Hedgehog's picture

This is an issue for me as well. DH is usually very good with letting me read the texts she sends (and that he sends back) but occassionally he will put a spin on something and it will send me into a paranoia fog for the rest of the day.

tryingtomakeit's picture

Wow this is like a day in the life of me. My husband nad his ex text entirely too much. Especially when they have a 15 year old. It would be different if she was 3.

Last night the ex texts my husband to tell him the daughter was off her medication. I am sorry, but cant a 15 year old girl who has a cell phone glued to her hand text her father and tell him instead of the ex.

That is my take on it.

I check my husbands phone because if i didnt then I would be blind sided by all kinds of things. For example the ex also texted him the doctor bill amount. Well, of course, he has yet to tell me and wont until the last minute. At least now I already know and can budget money for it.

thefunmommy's picture

This is why I'm so glad DH and I have the system in place that we do. We've both been burned by cheaters before. We both came into this with trust issues. So, whenever asked, we trade phones. I have no secrets from DH. I leave both my email and facebook open almost constantly. His passwords to each are saved on my laptop, by him. It works.

NoDramaMama's picture

WOW. EVERYBODY's post on here sums up my life for the past 3 yrs...haha I went from going crazy from every little text (and it was OFTEN), to disengaging, to caring again, looking at my phone bill to see when they had contact, counted each text, each call, each minute. I was constantly in a foul mood. I just couldn't stand that my bf had to even respond. I trust him and I don't think he would ever go back to her, but my fear or hatred is that if he responds to her in a friendly manner, she would take that as a sign that he's into her or something. So she'll never stop bugging us! Plus, why be "friendly" to her when she was a totally manipulative B*! He's sooo passive, it kills me. But that's another blog.

Where I'm at now is that i'm 90% disengaged. For the most part, I try and ignore it. I have to say that my moods are much much better now. I am not always mad or annoyed by him. There is still that 10% in me that goes out of control sometimes....but hey, that's 1 out of 10 times!! not bad right?

I really feel for all you guys going through this...it's definitely not easy.

NoDramaMama's picture

My 1 out of 10 happened last night...ugh. He had a missed call from her, which i don't know why she had to call, and he called her back. He starts off the conversation with "Hi" and ends it with "Ok, have a good night." Man that annoyed the heck out of me...so i said, "have a good night??" and he's like, "oh boy, u always get so jealous when i have to talk to her." For the record, i am not jealous, but why be so damn NICE?? She doesn't deserve nice...