You are here

New issue on the chopping block....

HeadOverHeels's picture

Submitted by HeadOverHeels on Tue, 09/29/2009 - 5:04pm

What do you do when SKs say bad things about DH that you KNOW they heard BM say...?

Heres the quick background - DH is in sales (cars) and has been for the last 10 years, he is a manager, works very hard for the hours he puts in and works for an extremely reputable dealership. BM and her DH have bought 4 cars from MY DH in the last 5 years.. Fast forward to today -
SD comes over and says 'when I'm 16 I am going to have my license and I can drive'
DH says, 'Are you going to get a car or a truck?'
SD Diablo - I don't know yet, Maybe I will buy it from you, as long AS YOU DONT RIP ME OFF'

I questioned where she heard it.. She said 'I made it up'... There is NO WAY she made it up. People in DH's line of business catch a bad rap a lot. So to hear what she said, it HAD to come from an adult.

She kept to it that she 'made it up' and 'never heard anyone say it before' - DH had a nervous giggle going on, because he just wanted the conversation over. I pushed a little further and then explained that I did know she was lying, it will not be tolerated, anyone who says anything bad about her Daddy should not, and she is NOT to repeat anything like that again.

I spoke with DH after this happened and he is going to have a chat with BM next time he sees her about talking about him negatively whether she is in the room or not (she has a BAD habit of crawling on the floor and hiding behind doors and furniture to eavesdrop!) because she hears EVERYTHING! I laid into him a little bit about giving up when she says 'i made it up', that is her answer alot and she says it to not get her mother and grandparents in trouble. He agreed that this is unacceptable, and he will lay into her the next time she gives that BS as an excuse...

And the best thing is, DH went out of his way to help her with getting her approved for a car AND the trucks they have currently, he had to call in a 'favor' with the bank they work with because her credit was THAT shot. I was twisted that he even helped her, but he felt helping her get a safe car, would help get SD around safely.. Thats fine.. But this was the last straw - don't stand their with your hand out for help and then as soon as you get your help, use the same hand to slap him in the face with...
GRRRR....

TIA for your help.

Comments

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 5:55am

HeadOverHeels - When things like that used to happen over here, DH would always take the high road, but after a while, I did not. For example... in the situation above, I would have done the same sort of thing back.. that your SD brought up... I would have said...

"No, don't worry, DH won't rip you off. He has had to call in favors for your mom and her husband to help them get vehicles, so you can rest assured that he will do whatever it takes to help you get a good vehicle."

Is that saying anything bad about BM? No... You aren't giving details.

Is that straightening out some of the true situation... In my opinion YES

If BM throws a fit and asks why you are sharing that info with SD.... I would tell her that we wouldn't have to do that if she and her mother wasn't trash talking DH.

BM and her family over here were doing the same thing to my DH. They were saying how it was all "poor BM" who didn't have a lot of money and was struggling and couldn't even buy oil for heat for her house, while DH and I made all kinds of money.

After hearing that for a while, ... and after hearing SD's friends (!) repeat that same crap to her (because BM talked to them) - we told SD the truth about the fact that we do make more money, because we had 2 incomes instead of 1 and to keep her mom from losing her home (because SD knows how much BM was struggling - she was sure to tell her as well)... we weren't asking her mom for certain things...(like child support).

It sucked to have to bring SD in... but she is old enough (14/15 at the time) to know the TRUTH.

I don't think it can be considered PAS if it's the truth. It also got them to stop when they realized that we were going to be responding with the truth to their PAS lies.

This is extreme and I know a lot of people wouldn't recommend it. But you might want to try.

Best of luck to you!! Please let us know how it goes.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 5:57am

Maybe I should have said... "I don't think it can be considered PAS if it's the truth TOLD IN DEFENSE of false allegations and lies being put out by the other parent."

You know.. your DH could also laugh it off with the line..

"Yeah, I ripped your Mom and Her Husband off so bad... they bought FOUR vehicles from me in the past year!!"

That sentence alone could also have tipped her off that they wouldn't keep going back if DH was "ripping them off".

** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 6:43am

He agreed that this is unacceptable, and he will lay into her the next time she gives that BS as an excuse...

------------> What good will this do? If anything, it will only create yelling/bickering and noone actually hearing what the other has to say, and probably even cause future problems. So yes, if BM is speaking negatively about DH, then DH should address it with her, but just by simply saying that he doesn't feel it is appropriate to speak negatively about him in front of the kids, and that in the future if she(BM) has a problem, to please address it with him. I don't know that "laying" into her will really accomplish much, and gently speaking to her may not accomplish much either, if it doesn't, there isn't much you can do about BM's behavior.

IMO, the appropriate response to SD saying "as long as you dont rip me off" would be....."Now why on earth would you think that honey?" and if she would have said, "Idk, I just made it up" ...Then correct *her* by saying, "You are my daughter, I love you, and I would never rip you off". Situation handled.

__________________________________________________________________________
“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

Enmorbare's picture

Submitted by Enmorbare on Wed, 09/30/2009 - 6:52am

I'm not sure why you interpreted what she said as being a negative she heard from BM. Car sales people get lots of wrap for 'ripping people off'. Clearly BM does NOT think that your husband is a rip off as she has bought 4 cars from him since they divorced??????

perhaps BM was saying that she trusts exH NOT to rip her off.....thats why she goes back.