I know I deserve better
I've come to the realization I need to end this constant back and forth, emotional abuse that's going on in my home. Have any of you separated to give yourself time to get your thoughts and actions together or just straight to divorce? I'm very angry and bitter and have no respect left for my husband. I just don't want to make a decision on my future based on negative emotions I'm feeling right now.and no, therapy is no longer an option as we have gone that route so so many times. He resents me, I resent him. The stories that I read in here have made me realize no matter how hard us(stepmoms/dads) try, it will never be enough for the parent that has guilt for leaving a dysfunctional marriage and home life. We will always be blamed for BP past mistakes. I want better, I deserve better and I'm damn tired of being the scapegoat when my husband experiences guilt. In the past he always says he says things to me in anger but I know he really feels it. I've asked him to leave and find a new home for him and his disgusting children. I hope they all continue to live in the trash they created. I will suffer financially but no longer be treated like an option. I do love him but don't respect him.
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Individual therapy?
I know you said therapy isn't an option, but does that include individual therapy just for you? You are correct to think you should not make an important decision while in an emotional state. A counselor could help you evaluate all options.. Although, when you say you've lost respect for your DH, you might have already made that decision, whether you realize it consciously or not. Good luck.
I appreciate your insight. I
I appreciate your insight. I've been in therapy before and during the marriage for just myself. I've come to realize my issues and have worked through them. The one thing I can't fix though is someone else. The therapist I've worked with has also tried to help my husband but my husband works on things enough to make me give it another try and then goes back to dysfunction. It's a fiscious cycle that ends up leaving me all disrespected again.
You Have Your Answer
Time to get off of the merry-go-round of dysfunction. No respect for each other is a dead relationship.
The one thing I can't fix though is someone else. The therapist I've worked with has also tried to help my husband but my husband works on things enough to make me give it another try and then goes back to dysfunction. It's a fiscious cycle that ends up leaving me all disrespected again.
How exactly do you love someone you don't respect?
Quit thinking with your emotions and tingly bits and use your intellect. Re-read your original post above from the perspective of someone who is asking you what to do.. then do that.
For clarity, do not separate. Just pull the plug and get on with your life. Otherwise you will recycle through this shit show repeatedly to no avail. Most likely than not anyway. An extremely low % of marriages following separation succeed.. Don't waste your time.
Oh Hon,
Oh Hon,
Having read your previous posts, I can’t help breathing a sigh of relief at your decision to leave a soul-destroying relationship.
A teen marriage to a stone sociopath taught me all that I needed to know about having my self-esteem trampled and shat upon. I finally got the hell out and urge you to be similarly kind to yourself and to your mental/emotional health.
You wrote about loss of respect for your husband and I can assure you, through bitter experience, that loss of respect and loss of love are concurrent.
There is nothing left for you in this marriage other than escalating grief, resentment and a loss of both income and pride.
I would be very grateful to read an update on your life if you are willing to indulge a concerned ol’ granny, yes?
All the best; my thoughts are with you! (((((HUGS)))))
I'd think separation versus
I'd think separation versus divorce less in terms of emotions and more of practicality.
Will your divorce be pretty cut-and-dry, where there isn't room for argument about splitting assets or custody of shared children? If it's that simple, I say just go straight to divorce.
If, however, there is any fighting that could take place over assets or custody, OR they may make financial or legal decisions that will cause you problems, then file for separation now to protect yourself.
If you're not sure which way to go, consult an attorney.
It doesn't sound like there is a relationship to salvage here, so focus on the best course of action for ending the legal piece with as little financial harm done to yourself as possible.
This is sound advice here.
This is sound advice here.
I think that you may get some clarity when you realize that it's not that you "love but don't respect" someone.. but we love the thought of what that person could be for us "IF ONLY..."
If Only they didn't cater to a toxic EX and their kids who view him as an ATM
If Only he would set boundaries that you have asked for to make you feel comfortable.
If Only he would make you feel like the priority
If Only his EX wasn't bleeding him dry
If Only his kids were nice
The bottom line is that he isn't the person you need him to be.. he isn't able to emotionally support you. It's not really about love.. sometimes at all.
ALL of this.
ALL of this.
I loved my XH for a long time after I left him. But that love was really the last flicker of what was left, not a reason to stay and work it out. Feelings are hard to overcome because we have no control over them. Like, my job currently causes me stress and frustration, but I can't just up and quit for a variety of reasons. Same applies to relationships. All because we love someone doesn't mean we should stay with them (just like if we hate someone doesn't mean we should punch them in the face).