i have always tried to make birthdays and holidays something special in our home. day to day life can be frustrating and stressful, and its nice to not only have something to look forward to, but to celebrate a loved one's special day and make them feel good. i guess i am getting a divorce for my birthday. the day i met dh, i knew that i would marry him. we have that kind of connection. we still talk about our first date and how we both knew. how everything fit together so well, and how we finally found the person we had been searching for our whole lives. dh has often said he wished he met me much much earlier, so that bm was never a part of his life. i guess he can have her back anyways now.

the next day (after he had said it was over), he acted as if nothing had ever happened. we went to bed, held hands like we always do, it was tense but ok. the next morning, big fight again.....even down to how we would split finances while still trying to live together peacefully. i asked him if this was what he truly wanted, or was just stressed and angry. he said "stressed and angry". i said, "then lets stop all of this discussion for a few days. its making things worse. lets take the next few days, and think about trying to understand the other person, how to collaborate, not compromise,(thank you step talk), and bring to the table a desire to work together." he agreed. he came back in the room with a list of chores for ss17 to do that day. very simple (finish dishes, mow the front yard, cut down the weeds growing by the creek, outside of our back fence). i was proud of him, and happy that maybe he sees the need for ss to start taking some responsibility and for us to work together. i come home from work to see my entire flower garden mowed down by the weed trimmer. weed trimmer is still plugged into the inside door of our house, laying outside. back door wide open, dog running around loose, ss no-where to be found. my flower garden was inside the yard. clearly not what dh wanted, and pretty f*cking obviously not weeds. i am furious. dh comes home, and looks incredibly sad. his immediate response is "its my fault, i wasnt clear enough with my chore list". (you've got to be kidding me). he asks if i have talked to ss about it. i say no because he is no-where to be found. he calls ss, doesnt answer his cell phone. we eat dinner, and do the dishes and find ss sleeping on the couch at at night. dh asks him why he is sleeping on the couch. ss replies "i was so tired from riding my bike, remember i had to pick up my school schedule today". dh asks if he got it, ss says no, he was supposed to be there at 1pm, and showed up at 4p when they were already closed. i say (very quietly and calmly) "ss, having a phone is a privelege, not a right. it can, and will be taken away from you. you cut down my flower garden, something that took me hours and hours of work to do, i will come up with a dollar value and you will repay me for what you did. staying out all night will not be happening any longer. you will start looking for a job and will be going out with friends on the weekends only". ss lowers his head and starts to cry. i walk out of the room. dh stays with ss. (this is the absolute MOST i have ever said to ss about discipline, consequences, etc. this is it.)

later that night, dh tells me that he cannot afford my birthday present nor buy me a birthday cake because ss got a letter from school saying his fees are $300 this year. i say "why so high?" and he says "the parking permit is $100". i say "parking permit? he doesnt even have a license yet!". dh says "his education comes first. i'm going to bed". goes in the bedroom, locks the door (locking me out). i knock on the door and he yells out that he is sleeping go away. this morning he is gone. we always set out cards, presents etc in the mornings and make a big deal of each other's birthdays. nothing.

i never wanted a "battle" of affections from/with dh. never saw step parenting as a "i win, you lose" type of situation with the skids. i had the naive high hopes of one big happy family. instead, i never formed a bond with either sd19 or ss17. sd19 told me to f*ck off before our wedding, and didnt come to it. ss17 and i have existed in our home together, but pretty much only for the sake of dh. i have taken a lot of sh*t from his kids. i only began to stand up for what i believe is right after i found step talk and was able to educate myself on what guilty parenting is. i see the right way and the wrong way to raise kids, and although i have made mistakes, i still feel i handled it the best way i could. but we as step-parents will always face the eternal battle of letting our opinions be known vs letting the bios do all of the work. i wanted to help and my help was good enough when ss needed a ride to school or help with homework or a shoulder to cry on when his friends blew him off for the 100th time. my help was NOT needed when i tried to discipline or tell dh what i could not deal with in my own home. flowers can grow back, and i hope that mine will. i'm more afraid that my marriage has been mowed down and its dead forever.