i remember a time where i used to feel happy and full of life. everything has been spiraling downward in the past year and i feel a shell of my former self. just when we had some breathing room from sd19 and her antics, ss17 has been a nightmare since he returned home from bm's this summer. its causing arguments bad enough to where dh is threatening a divorce. i have retreated from all of this, even though i love dh very much.

now sd19 is back and is getting married! yes, at 19, she is getting married to some guy she met on myspace, and ran away from bm's to be with, 1000 miles away. bm thinks this is lovely and totally supports this because sd finally got a driver's license. (look how well she is doing!). sd texted dh and wants us to pay for the wedding and wants my help in planning it. we live 1000 miles apart, and sd and i have rarely spoken in the past few years. i disengaged from her completely after she refused to come to our wedding, (since she was not going to be the maid of honor), and was planning on "trashing" it with her friends. (she never showed up, we did have a lovely day, but dh was heartbroken over that).

dh practically went into a seizure when he received that text. he was so overjoyed to see it. it broke my heart, because he only hears from her when she wants something. they talked on the phone, after i left for work. when i talked with dh again, i asked him why her boyfriend's parents aren't helping her plan, since they all live in the same town, and dh replied that they vehemently oppose the wedding and want nothing to do with it. surprise surprise. dh says they are negative and hateful. i believe they have gotten to know sd19 all too well. i asked why bm isn't helping her plan it, and dh replied that "sd19 says she doesn't want a trashy wedding, can you blame her?". i am lost, as bm and sd19 are two peas in a pod and are the best of friends.

so why us? well, dh can be manipulated into anything when it comes to his children. but why ask me to help? dh says "this is her way of reconciling". i don't believe that for a second. my sister says to put my foot down and absolutely refuse. dh is so happy....if i say no, then i am the evil step-mom once again. i would be thrilled and honored to help her plan her wedding, if she had only shown me one iota of respect in the past 8 years. instead, its been lies, name-calling, manipulation, stealing my things, breaking stuff in the house, etc etc. my heart aches for dh but guilty parenting produced this outcome.

i want peace in my family. i am tired of all of this. tonight, i came home from work to find our beloved dog locked outside in the yard. we live in a mountainous area, where coyotes, mountain lions, bears, foxes, etc roam freely. NO-ONE leaves their dog outside unattended. but ss17 let her out and then left the house and is gone for the night (dh is working nights tonight, he is also not home). first he ruined my garden right before my birthday, then he leaves the dog outside with no water, and defenseless against wildlife. i am trying hard not to see these as hostile acts. dh says "oh it was a big mistake, he just forgot, why are you so angry, he's just a kid". he is almost 18 years old. old enough to know what happens to dogs left alone.

i am so tired. i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle. these two children will continue to do as they please, hurt their father and everyone around them without consequence or feeling and i can't take it anymore.