Alright I can see all this replies. I look as the terrible step mother who is torturing this innocent girl who has been taken away from her home.

I will try to explain better myself as the reason I joined in 7 months after her joining because I have been trying to find solutions to the problems we have been having, and I was thinking if I share them with you you might either tell me I am being silly or help me cope with it.. I will try my best to address your points.

*dh and I got married 10 years ago. We got separated when ds was born (he was only 3 months old). I had no family, no support as I only came to the other end of the world to support my husband with his dream. And we got back together about 18months ago. In the mean time I was a single mum working full time with no support from him. DS was my only priority, reason of me being alive as I felt that I had nothing to live for. We managed all by ourselves, through earthquakes (terrifying big ones), operations. I have done everything alone without support from DH. I still think that it is a miracle that DSs is healthy and happy boy who is quite articulate, caring. He is the boy at 4.5 year old told me that if I was sick he would cook food and look after me. Yes for sure he has his bad points, he gets over excited if they play rough and tumble. Yes he occasionally pushes his limits, throws tantrums. But to me he is precious, I will never ever let anyone smash him to the wall. I will never let anyone hurt him. Don't get me wrong I will never excuse him hitting anyone either. I know the meaning of bullying I know the meaning of hitting. It had been done to me so I will not support him to be a bully.

*When SD was living with in-law s she would come home from school and take a shower and wear her Pj to dinner with a towel on her head. Mother in law said that was not a decent thing to do and they only didn't say anything to her because it was a temporary situation. To me I would not let DS5 to wear his PJs to dinner as that would mean that his clothes would be dirty and I would t want to put him to bed with food crumbs on him (sd15 now 16 still wipes her mouth or dirty fingers to her clothes even there is a tissue placed on next her plate every dinner). This arrangement brought up to us by mother in law and discussed with DH and agreed. Also that worked as DS could brush his teeth given the brushes are upstairs bathroom not the basement one(downstairs), and in case of an emergency he could run into the toilet without her worrying the someone will walk in on her. we do not have locks in the doors. (Rental)
*prior to 'SM saying no to this poor girl taking a shower' this girl had told the terrible Sm her half brother should not be downstairs using the toilet because it was interfering her console game. And even prior to that previous night she kicked him out of the toilet while he is brushing his teeth because she wanted to pee (by now you all now we have another bathroom with shower and toilet). So when Sm has said either you wait or take a shower downstairs she was thinking the poor girl thinks that she is above everyone to demand how long her 5yo brother should stay in the bathroom.
*Ds goes to bed around 7:30 and usually we eat dinner way before than. As a fact we ate around 5. And by 7 he was hungry so his dad made him a sandwich saying that after he ate it he can go to bed. So NO I don't usually feed him this late.
*sd had been taken away from her mother and siblings because BM decided to live with a known pedophile (whose target age was around 12-15). In the court in UK there has been comments how destructive also Sd's behaviour for the little ones, but I thought that it was BM trying to make herself look better. No one in UK wanted to take SD even though we put our hand up first social services thought we wouldn't be suitable as she would have to move. We had been assessed by social services in New Zealand and a report had been sent to UK which provided enough evidence that we would provide suitable home for her. Her other sibling had been taken away from BM 2 months after her arrival here when we started having big issues.
*last time I had seen SD before moving here from UK was when she was 6. But since then I always kept in contact with her even when I got separated from DH. In many ways that was actually convincing point for social services that we already had a good relationship. She used to call me often online and I was the 'the mother she should have had' that was her words not mine

*This terrible SM, is the only adult (if I may say) during the week and DH comes home Friday night and leaves them Monday before dawn. Trust me the terrible Sm would much rather like to be the one who goes away and comes home to rest and enjoy the family time.

*the horrible cruel Sm, has gone to the family support place to ask help because she didn't know how to help her SD to adjust the new life and new family. Also Sm, gone to the school and talked to Sd's dean to get her counselling with the excuse of her being a new student.

*SM only called SD bitch twice if I recalled right because she was actually in a virtual website where no one actually knows Sd's or her identity. not on Twitter or Facebook where SD posts regularly. And especially not at a dinner table.

*family support worker had visited 2 times before coming to the conclusion that I need to remove Ds5 from this environment with mostly insults and shouts. (And trust me I do not insult her). Both visits involved DS, SD and my self and DH was there on the first meeting
*evil sm is the one who actually done all the xmas shopping for SD on behalf of all the families involved including SM's family. And last weekend when SD didn't want SM to go to her birthday dinner. And all with the knowledge that SD was still hating her guts and posting bad things about her.
*evil Sm has always had the manners to say thank you, please for what ever SD does, even when SD tells Sm that she doesn't have to say thank you for SM sorting paperwork so her belongings can come from UK.

*social services meeting blog is still available to be read if interested.

*horrible Sm doesn't buy DS a treat unles she can afford to treat SD as well.

*horrible SM, had supported cancelled her plans last minute to make sure SD can go to a party she got invited so SD can make friends. Also this terrible woman welcomed 7 other teens in her house and prepared food and accomodation and space so her SD has a social life, to be told that she is hated the very next day.

I am sure I am missing couple questions but I have been trying to type all this on my phone due to Internet problem. But please let me know if you have other questions