what to do? what to do?
like i said in one of my earlier blogs... we get my boyfriends kids the 3 of them EVERY weekend now keep in mind this isnt court ordered it is just out of the kindness of his (my boyfriends) heart. the bm works every weekend so bc of her job or whatever reason they come here friday evening to sunday evening... now heres the dillema: my boyfriend starts a new job saturday as a bouncer and sunday we had plans to go to a local farm that that kind of celabrates fall or halloween or whatever so he told the bm months ago about thius new job which wasnt a prob and said we had plans on sunday so asked her to have off saturday evening and sunday which we barely ever ask for weekends off. and we also take them every once in a while during the week if she wants to pick up extra hrs. well my boyfriend told her this and she had a cow saying she just got the work schedule and she has to work and "why cant ur girlfriend watch them while ur at work" and whatever... ive been with him for a a while and known his kids for a little over 3 years but just dont feel ready enough to watch them and my 2 kids also , alone. now he might have to take off his first night of work and already said he wont be able to go to the farm with us. ( we dont have enough money to bring everyone, and also i didnt invite them- its nice to do stuff just the four of us every once in a while) and he said the reason why he just cant tell her no is bc shell just leave them there at home ALONE! (which shes done before) because she knows my boyfriend doesnt feel comfortable with that and then oour plans get ruined no matter what! here i plan something she already knew about and ... its happened lots before... where we cant go through with our plans...
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its from 7 to 12 actually...
its from 7 to 12 actually... but his son wont sleep without him. the daughter picks on everyone and makes em cry. they dont listen. if they get bored they pick on my daughtee and when dads here, they listen a little better. they wont listen and besides i dont feel very comfortable confronting them bc then it goees back to the bm "well she said this or that and we werent even doing anything- i swwearrr" its a bunch of bs... u guys must all be like super parents to not see where im coming from on this!!!
i could invite my boyfriends
i could invite my boyfriends sister over. shes like a sister to me as well. i know she would help me too if i asked... thank u so much spunki!
i have a daughter whos 5 and
i have a daughter whos 5 and a son with my boyfriend who is 2 1/2. its not favoritism its wanting to spend time with just us... when we bring his other 3 , the skids, all attention gets focused on them and we dont even enjoy ourselves which is why we decided to go just us... the whole issue is its not court ordered... nothing is its this stupid bs agreement they made for every weekend or whatever her convenience is its a "will u watch the kids so i can work/shop/run errands" and if he says "no" and she goes"well ill just leave em at home" and he goes "well thats messed up they cant be there alone for that long" and then she just ends up bringing em over anyways... ive told him to call the cops but he says if he does hes worried or scared or whetever that he wont be able to see them as often or something. i said he needs to put his foot down but how can he when she has him wrapped around his finger. i come home from work and theyll be here without me even being informed or anything because of her! my thought is if hes not gonna be here and i dont feel comfortable watching them by myself bc of whatever reason- not spite- that it shouldnt be a prob. its not my responsibility!
they dont repsect me. they
they dont repsect me. they are rude. they dont do things i ask such as telling each other to shut up is not allowed but they do it anyways. they call each other names and show my 2 kids bad habits. i feel as tho if i do it im doing the bm a favor.... i dont wanna do her a favor... and by dh not standing his ground almost makes me feel as tho he just gives up and takes her side and im standing as an outsider getting looked down upon and i honestly feel like... u know maybe it is out of spite, more like resentment, they took him from me when we first met they werent around they were in foster care and it was always me and dh and my bd doing fun things together and bonding and since they came back 3 years ago he never wants to spend time with me and bd anymore. all he cares about is his kids. so maybe i resent everyone for putting me in trhe dark for the past 3 years and thats why i dont feel comfortable!
i do ive posted like 4 or 5
i do ive posted like 4 or 5 blogs already haha but its just frustrating when someone says what u dont want to hear, not that its a ba thing, it just gives u more insight and can actually be rather helpful, im only 24 and have dealt with alot, family my daughters father, etc. but i like this bc its nice to know that there are people out there who r going through the same or simular situations as i am, and to see how they deal with it or see how others have dealt with their problems. im considering giving it a shot, and seeing how it goes, its important for me and for them to not feel uncomfortable i dont want to feel that way. i dont want them to feel that way. so thank u for saying what i didnt want to hear haha its worth a try right?
thanks so much and a hug
thanks so much and a hug back! if it wasnt for ur honest and firm advice i probably wouldnt have even considered this... thanks again!
what do u think about what
what do u think about what sue2 had to say...
If you want the kids there,
If you want the kids there, have them there. If you don't, don't have them there and then resent them for being there.
If I were in your shoes, and I have been, I would simply tell your BF to tell BM that you regret that you are not available that night, as you had previously let her know, and that you hoped she could find other child care arrangements. Period.
Does he pay an adequete amount of child support for her to have the kids in care or with a sitter?
no the child support isnt
no the child support isnt that much but is actually being re evaluated soon. i think im actually gonna give it a try. im not going to resent them but i do need to show them that i am in charge too. thanks!
You do. My skids were royal
You do. My skids were royal jerks when they first moved into my house. I remind them often that when they are adults and they get jobs and homes of their own, they can do whatever they like, but as long as they live in my home, they will follow the rules that everyone else in the house follows, and if they break the rules, the consequenses are the same for them as they are for everyone else. I don't give a rat's ass through a rolling donut if they're here every day or 1 day a month. My kids don't act like jerks, so I know it's possible from children. The expectation over here is crystal clear, and if you fall short, there's a consequence. That's the way it is.
I admire you for trying. Look, it's a struggle at first, but you just gotta lay the rules down and enforce them, and HE has to enforce them too. It'll suck for a while, but eventually it gets to be a habit like everything else. It's just a struggle til you get there. Good luck!
i see what ur saying ive been
i see what ur saying ive been through a abusive relationship with my daughters father and left him after 2 years of putting up with his sh*t and frankly wont deal with anything remotely close to that again and its not because i luuuuvvv him i mean i do dont get me wrong but we have a special bond we share and thats my son and i dont want to give up so soon. im taking the others advice and im going to give it a shot mainly for myself bc everyone is right im more than capable of doing it. its kinda like i need to buck up, and face this head on. maybe some good will come out of it maybe not but its still worth a shot. and as for my daughter goes yes its a struggle but the boyfriend tends to think its a jealousy issue which could more than likely be true i think its important to try to work out the situation rather than split the whole family. its the youngest of his kids that causes all the cockyness towards her so maybe its a "well im not the baby anymore"type of thing that is y he lashes out on her. but im always there to comfort her and talk to her. i dont confront him bc i feel out of place, which is also something i need to work on, but my boyfriend does and meven tho its not always how i want him to, he does so its not totally getting thrown in the attic. he says hes going to have a talk with them and tell them what the plan is and how he expects them to act. so well see... and the bed time thing ur absolutely correct but they r so use to staying up with dad til they fall asleep i dunno how easy thatll be but i aint staying up with them, tv goes off and thats that. thanks for ur hard core advice... its crazy everyone has something different to say but its all the same stuff i think in the back of my head as well, its just what option should i go with? i dunno...
somethings u said i agree
somethings u said i agree with some things not so much, but i do agree with the fact that maybe i try to sugar coat some of the situations going on in my home. i need to get this i dont care attitude on my shoulders bc my daughter doesnt deserve any of that shit! ur so right! and i will lay down the rule and the law. i made a chart with a bunch of rules and it was hard bc no one listened and boyfriend didnt enforce them but im gonna go over it again with them and lay down the law. they are not babies and dont need to be treated like them either. would write more but gotta get supper on the table thanks for ur hard core advice. this is the kind of stuff i need to hear to get me motivated!
As a mother to two girls and
As a mother to two girls and a smom to three girls, I would go with BF's sister coming to help. She's been around since they were little, won't be scared to discipline and will help you gain the confidence to parent them.
Good luck.
ps. You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders! I think you can do this, you just need confidence in yourself. Believe me, if BM doesn't like how you treat her kids, she'll make sure you don't watch them again. Plan the evening, make a special Saturday night rountine (dinner and a movie, special treats).
well thanks but the bm does
well thanks but the bm does drugs and lies to her kids and tells them shes going to take them places and doesnt... im pretty sure shell have something to say but as far as that goes... thatll be it... she wouldnt want to have to leave her precious job on someone whos enforcing rules and putting their foot down. i think shedd actually be surprised maybe even jealous that well be having a slumber party and watching movies while shes at work...
If your gonna be the stepmom,
If your gonna be the stepmom, you may as well be the fun one.
Our BM is unstable and she hates my guts. Once she accused me of child abuse, I used that as an excuse to not watch the kids, but that was no fun for her! Did she ever get pissed when I did say no because I didn't want to put myself or my children at risk for a CPS investigation.
Sooner or later the dust will settle a bit, the kids grow up and the dynamics change.
Treat your stepkids the same way you would kids your once babysat. Have lots of fun, wear the crap out of them, let them stay up late, etc.
Don't worry about what BM thinks, she's not in a position to dictate from what I'm reading.