Is BM Starting the PAS with SS14?
SS14 returned to us on Friday for his normal two weeks with us. As I'm sure many of you know, I have never had a problem with SS14. He and I have always gotten along fine. He lies a lot and is lazy as the day is long, but overall he's always been very polite and thoughtful.
I noticed a change in him since he's been back with us. We went on a weekend trip to a family winter park in the next state, and SS14 seemed very distant. He didn't engage in conversation with any of us. He wouldn't make eye contact. He wasn't smiling or laughing like he usually does. He just sat there and didn't participate. He seemed distant. It was like a total personality shift. At dinner, when BS17 and I were joking around and trying to get him involved, he snapped at me. I mean, the look in his eye was EVIL. It was kinda scary, actually, and I was really taken aback. This has NEVER happened before.
Once home, he's been spending a lot of time in his room, also something he's never done before. He likes to read, but normally he comes upstairs and sits in the living room with us. This is the same exact shit that happended with SS9 before he was PASed out of our lives. At first I thought maybe I was being overly sensitive because of that, but I don't think so.
Here's what I think, and I'd love others' opinions on what might be going on:
I think BM is bored and realizes she no longer has any control over DH and our household now that SS9 is no longer in our lives. I thought she'd stop there, once she had what she wanted (her Golden Child all to herself), but now I'm not so sure. I think she's now starting the PAS with SS14. She normally appears to have no interest in him, but he's just a pawn in her games that she wants to keep playing. Also, once SS9's adoprion goes through, he'll be going to school in her school district a half hour away. She doesn't want to have to get him to school AND drive SS14 to his school here, so by PASing him as well, it'll make her life more convenient. PLUS, I think she's quickly tiring of having SS9 full time and wants SS14 there every day to babysit.
I have the sinking feeling that I'm not wrong here, though I wish I was. I've been spot on with this crazy BM and her antics 95% of the time.
I would LOVE some feedback here that I can share with DH. If it is PAS, what do we do? We can't go through it again.
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I wish he would think
I wish he would think critically, but his emotions and thoughts are completely shut off. Too much for a kid to deal with. He desperately needs therapy, but that will never happen as long as BM has any say, which, unfortunately, she does.
I guess all we can do is what we've always done: be supportive. Be parents (or parent figures, in my case) who actually PARENT, which BM does not. The only issue is that this kid will do whatever it takes to earn his mother's love, which she only gives to his brother.
He knows DH and I love him no matter what, so he can do whatever to us. On the flip side, if he pisses off Mommy Dearest, if he says one thing wrong or steps out of line, she'll kick him to the curb. She has threatened him many times with "sending him to live with us if we're so great" if he doesn't comply, and she'll "move out of state and never be heard from again."
If you were this kid, which parent would you try to please?
How do we go about lavishing him with everything he NEEDS when BM lavishes him with everything he WANTS? How do we compete? We're not super confident, but we're hoping he'll realize when he's older what kind of person she is. How do we get him to open his eyes in the meantime when he doesn't want to deal with any of the emotional pain?
We've been trying to get him
We've been trying to get him to open up, but he doesn't talk. He gives mumbled, one-word answers. I guess we just have to keep prodding. Knowing the kind of kid he is, I don't think he'll ever go against his so-called mother and do what's best for himself. We've talked to him about how she's always making him lie for her, and how that hurts him, and what kind of person does that to their child. It isn't seeming to help, at least not at this point.
Our situation just seems so hopeless. This "woman" is one of the most disordered people I've ever met, and I work with mentally ill criminals every day.
I hope it's just teenage
I hope it's just teenage moodiness, but it hasn't been a slow shift. This was completely sudden, unless it's been brewing under the surface.
I think it is possible this
I think it is possible this is going on since she has finished with your SS9. She has turned him so why stop there? What a freaking time to do it too, teenagers are so hormonal and usually have low self worth. I am sure BM knows this all too well. All you have control over is your actions to him. Be a good enough person so that when he hears these things he will not believe it. Let the extended family know what is going on. He needs to be with people who respect and love you and your DH. Get him out of the house and visit family. Don't let him hibernate in his room.
No, I highly doubt it's that.
No, I highly doubt it's that. SS is a very young 14 and hangs out with all younger kids. I don't think he's been exposed to any of that.
Is BM Starting the PAS with
Is BM Starting the PAS with SS14?
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Probably, but I hope not.
We all joke around all the
We all joke around all the time. He's never had an issue with it. Since I was the butt of the joke (as usual, LOL) he should've been all over it.
BM PAS'd SD15 right out of
BM PAS'd SD15 right out of our house. SS12 and I were very close but since SD no longer is here BM has lost her informant and chaos maker- SS12 is now it. He isn't anywhere near as much trouble as SD but he is getting there with his sneaky games set up by BM.
Have you read Divorce Poison? Heard that has some answers to PAS.