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TIRED OF ALWAYS HAVING TO ATTEND EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

FRUSTRATEDSM1's picture

Submitted by FRUSTRATEDSM1 on Tue, 12/07/2010 - 5:30am

I am sooooo glad I found this site. I am the soon-to-be SM of one girl 9 yoa, and one boy 6 yoa and they constantly have something going on whether its softball, cheer, competitions, etc. I am 23 years of age and I do not have children of my own, never been married. I am a part-time student, and work full time. We share 50% custody of SD and SS and I resent them so much most of the time because I feel like my time away from school and work is always about them. Although most of the time we get along fine, I do feel that my relationship with DH would be so much better if we didn't have to constantly rearrange our weekends that are supposed to be "couple time" because one of them has some activity going on and their BM needs us to babysit the other so that its easier on her. This woman is always partying and getting drunk and refuses to give up her weekends to take care of her own children. So guess whos stuck with them, DH and I! When I complain to DH he says that I should care more about skids and not what the BM is doing. WTF! I'm 23 years old, they are not my children, and I'm the one giving up my life and my youth to raise someone else's kids!

The only thing that stops me from leaving is that I truly love my fiance. I adore him and I feel so guilty when I fight with him about not wanting to give up my date nights to attend yet another competition or softball game. However, when the tables are turned and I want to go to one of my goddaughter's activities that comes up once in a blue moon, he complains that I don't love or care for his kids the way I do my goddaughter.

Any one have any advice?

Comments

FRUSTRATEDSM1's picture

Submitted by FRUSTRATEDSM1 on Tue, 12/07/2010 - 6:19am

Thank you for your comment krisnkids. Yes my fdh is a wonderful, involved father and I have taken this into consideration if we decide to have children together. I say if because it used to be a for sure thing but now that I'm spending the next several years helping him raise his children, I'm kinda thinking twice about spending even more time raising children throughout my lifetime. I love kids but I'm not ready to devote my entire life to raising my own just yet. There are still many things I want to accomplish before I'm strapped down 100 percent of the time.

I do try to keep positive towards the skids. I cannot say I have too many complaints about them overall. They are mostly well-mannered and do what they are asked most of the time. I have worries about the fsd though. She's starting to talk back to her dad and is really messy. She rarely says hi to me when she comes over on the first day until she needs something or wants me to help her do something. I feel that she is ungrateful for the things her father and I do for her. I like the idea of being somewhat detached from the SM role. I don't want my feelings hurt if one day she decides that I don't matter to her. My fdh does most of the day-to-day activities with them and I like it that way.

lifeisshort's picture

Submitted by lifeisshort on Tue, 12/07/2010 - 7:54am

Exactly. Don't give up your life at 23. Find someone who is childless, someone who can give you the undivided attention you crave.

Let this man find someone who is more suited to being a mother-figure to his children, who understands what it's like to be a single parent and what it feels like to want to spend as much time with their kids as possible. Someone who won't resent the children for taking away time or resources.

Don't feel bad for wanting what you want, but don't expect the other person in the relationship to want what YOU want too. You're two different people with different needs and desires. You will be happier in life if you find someone who better meets your needs.

StillSearching's picture

Submitted by StillSearching on Tue, 12/07/2010 - 8:53am

Wow frustratedSM you and I are in the same boat. I am only a little older than you but I feel the same way. My boyfriend has 2 teenagers in high school and I go to their games with him and I feel that I would much rather be somewhere else. Even when they are staying with us I think what else could I be doing right now. I work full time and I am a full time student and I take advantage of that. If they go somewhere and I don't want to go I just say I have school work. But I guess that was the choice you and I made being young and getting with men that have children. I think maybe as we get older and have what we want in life we will relax a little bit more. I was married before and I didn't act like a wife then, I think I am just too independent.

SillyGilly's picture

Submitted by SillyGilly on Tue, 12/07/2010 - 9:01am

"WTF! I'm 23 years old, they are not my children, and I'm the one giving up my life and my youth to raise someone else's kids!"
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Yes, this statement says a lot. You are absolutely right for feeling this way. I think you should probably seriously consider if you would be happier with someone without children from a previous relationship. At 23 there are tons of men that don't have any "baggage" and who want to experience the things you want to. Your DF sounds like a great man and a great father. However, he is not going to stop being a great father and even if the two of you work it out so that you are not expected to attend events on "off" weeks - that doesn't mean he won't continue to and to be honest I don't think it is fair for you to expect him not to. I don't know that it would solve your current frustrations because even if you are not going he might be and then you would still not be having date night or going out, etc.... I was 23 when I met my DH and started the whole SM role. I had been nothing but wild from 15 until then so it was almost a relief to settle down and I was ready. Five years later occasionally I still find it hard when my friends who don't have kids are all going out and I am unable to. Although I am very happy this lifestyle is VERY challenging and just not for everyone. If I had a girlfriend ask me about dating a man with kids in their 20's I would strongly advise against it. There are just so many guys without kids that are wonderful and I think that should be explored because "steplife" doesn't get any easier. If you are already resentful about your weekends being busy you are going to be very disappointed how consuming their activities become as they get older and more social! Sorry to be such a downer but you should be out cocktailiing on weekends if that is what you want to do.