BM taking DH to mediation
Just got a letter in the mail yesterday from the family court commissioner. BM is taking DH to mediation November 20. BM has several issues, but one of the main issues is that she wants to sign SD11 up for tournament/traveling basketball team and tournament/traveling softball team. These are all on weekends and are not all in the town we live in. DH has placement every other weekend and he told BM that she can't sign SD up for these types of things without his permission. DH and I both work full-time and can't commit to being gone so many weekends, especially when DH works on Saturdays during the day and we have a 19-month old at home and twin babies on the way. BM says that she will take SD to all of the games, but we don't want that either because then we will lose a lot of weekends with SD and that's not fair either. We want SD to be part of our family events and be able to spend that time with DH as well as her siblings.
This is what standard placement in our county states (DH and I want SD involved in sports, but she is already in regular season softball, soccer and school basketball - we feel these are "reasonable" but we don't feel that the traveling teams are reasonable):
Child(ren)’s activities. Parents can help their children by respecting and
supporting each child's relationship with the other parent. Prior to a child starting
the sixth grade, unless agreed upon by both parents in advance, parents should not
plan activities for children that conflict with the other parent's scheduled time
with the children. The time a parent is scheduled to spend with the children
belongs to that parent and the children. The other parent should not interfere with
this time. Parents can help their children by adjusting the schedule to permit their
children to participate in reasonable extracurricular activities.
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Comments
I agree with this. Kids don't
I agree with this. Kids don't get everything that they want. It's not like we are not letting her play any sports! Just not traveling teams. First of all, we are too busy for it and weekends are the only time we really have to get anything done around the house. Second of all, most games are out-of-town and are 2-3 day tournaments. This gets really expensive and you are too far away to come home in between games.
She wants to play, but we
She wants to play, but we just can't commit to that much time away from home when we work full-time. Even when our kids that we have together are older, there will be a limit with sports. She is already playing, it's just that the traveling is way too much.
Yes, she does other sports on
Yes, she does other sports on DH's time. She plays soccer which is on Saturday's in the spring and DH has her every other weekend. She plays basketball on Monday's after school and he has her every other Monday night and she plays regular season softball (Tuesday and Thursday nights in the summer) and he has 50/50 (week on week off) in the summer. So, yes, she does play plenty of sports during DH's time already.
I agree with you csete, the
I agree with you csete, the sole reason being that it doesn't sound feasible transportation-wise.
That said, be prepared for sd to be upset about it. Most kids that age want to be around their friends, not parents and toddlers.
How about allowing her to
How about allowing her to pick one travel sport? During that time add a week day over night visit with dad.
Both sport should be out of the question because dad could end up missing about 8 months of his scheduled time with SD.
I hate the idea of saying no all together if SD is a really good and dedicated player. This could lead to scholarships. That
would be enough for me to be willing to agree to ONE of the teams.
We can't do another overnight
We can't do another overnight during the week because we live in a different town than BM, so we don't have busing available to get her to school and neither of us work in the same town we live in or SD goes to school in. Also, she does not excel at either of these sports that she wants to be on the tournament teams. It would be different if she were an all-star player. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but it's true.
She is not good enough to
She is not good enough to make the actual "traveling" team, so they put you on a tournament team, but the games are still out-of-town and they are still 2-3 day tournaments.
I think if DH lets her do
I think if DH lets her do this, she will take us back to court saying that we aren't taking all of our placement and she will try going after more placement and ultimately more child support as well.
I had the travel ball issue
I had the travel ball issue over the summer with my ds9. I'm all for it. I also don't think a parent absolutely, 100% NEEDS to be at every game. Let bm take her and you, dh and the baby can show up mid day and take her from there. Even in intact families all parents don't attend all the games.
We already have Sunday night
We already have Sunday night through Tuesday every other week (when we don't have her Friday - Monday), but we can't do that every week because of daycare and work schedules. Sundays are the only day we have a family day and because we only have her every other sunday, that gives us ONLY 2 FAMILY DAYS per month, so that's why it is tricky.
What is the child's holiday
What is the child's holiday schedule like? Perhaps the compromise could be one travelling sport, BM is the one that wants it so she is to pay the travel and equipment costs (MAYBE dad pay half fees ???) and should be responsible for getting SD to and from these games. Dad gets make up time in the holidays!!
My overall opinion though, is that it is DAD'S time! It is the child's lot in life that her childhood is split between 2 homes, spending time with both parents (and both families) should take precedence over EXTRA extra-curricular! However... given how my SO's last mediation went... it will pay for your DH to have a sound and fair compromise ready to offer in case things start looking like BM will be granted everything she wants.
I can see where you are
I can see where you are coming from, but it's not like we aren't letting her play any sports during DH's time. All 3 sports that she plays during regular season are during his time as well and we are okay with that. What we can't commit to is being gone on the weekends that we have her, especially with 3 little ones around. It's too much time away from the house, especially when we both work full-time and DH works on Saturdays. Sundays every other week (so twice a month) is our only time to do something as a whole family.
Many 11-year-olds don't want
Many 11-year-olds don't want to spend a whole day around toddlers and babies. Maybe a compromise is in order. Could she have some friends over, or a friend? Then she's not stuck around little kids all day.
I.e. Maybe one of her teammates could come over before their game or over for dinner after the game.
The difference here is the BM
The difference here is the BM is NOT saying no and is presumably making sacrifices to take the SD to these away games. Does BM have other kids? If she does and she makes the sacrifice to take SD then a judge may side with her. There is also going to be bias from the judge if he is into sports and believes it is a good thing for kids. It could be worse, BM could be letting SD run wild and hang out with a bad crowd, she doesn't and has her in sports in a very structured and time consuming situation. If she is keeping her grades up and doing well in all the sports I cannot see a judge saying no the kid doesn't get to keep her travel teams because SM wants to stay home with her kids and have family time. You can bring your kids to the games. Not fun for your kids? How about SD not finding it fun to miss her games for your kids? There are a million ways to spin this situation, OP needs to find the way that doesn't make her look selfish and won't put a strain on SDs relationship with her dad down the road. It is a very fine line.
I see where you are coming
I see where you are coming from and it might not be so bad when my kids are older, but my twins aren't even due until April. Once they come, this first summer is going to be way too difficult to get to the games. I work full time, I will be nursing and making homemade baby food and DH works on Saturdays, so Sunday is the only day we are both home to get things done around the house.
I just really don't know what
I just really don't know what kind of plan B to have in place. It's difficult for DH to commit to being gone all day on Sundays because that is our only family day since he works every Saturday. Not only is it our only family day, but it is really the only day I have to catch up on stuff, meal plan, grocery shop, get everything ready for the week, etc. while I have his help around the house. If he starts going every Sunday to take SD to her tournaments out-of-town, that leaves me with a toddler and soon 2 newborns on my own at home to take care of on top of getting everything else done to keep the house running. It wouldn't be so bad if I were a stay at home mom that could get a few things done during the week, but I don't have that luxury at this point. I work full-time. The problem with this BM is that she won't agree to just one tournament team. She will have to have it all. She won't take no for an answer for anything and it's getting ridiculous. We were flexible with her for a long time and we recently had to stop all flexibility and just follow the papers because we were the ones that kept giving and giving and giving and she would take, take, take but never give. The few times we told her no to anything (even small things), she would throw a fit, act like a child and keep arguing so she could get her way. DH got so sick of this and finally told her that we are done being flexible.
I am on the opposite side of
I am on the opposite side of this story. BM wants to take SS OUT of travel baseball. DH and I say NO WAY. We do let SS play on whatever teams he wants to, because he is a good kid, with good grades and a good attitude and he is in love with baseball. The stance we take, if BM can't take him (which is usually the case) then we do. We have 2 other kids as well. Either I stay back and take care of what the girls need to do, or their dad does it. We make it work.
That's just us though... not saying we are right, just saying... that's what we do.