Need advice on dealing with BD/exH
If you've read any of my blogs lately, you'll know that I've been in conflict with my children's father regarding DS9 and his travel ball team.
Quick summary (but feel free to read past blogs if you like):
- exH and I get along very well
- we share custody about 60/40 and worked out our divorce and custody arrangements on our own
- we have dd12, ds10 and ds9
- I have always managed the children's schedules yet I always discuss things with him in advance. I typically pay for most extras and occasionally we will split the costs.
- exH and I both remarried this year
-ds9 was asked to play on a travel ball team this summer. They practice two nights a week and have participated in two tournaments. They may also play a tournament in August. The same team will play fall ball with our 3-4 neighboring cities (average 5 miles away).
- exH agreed to let DS play but he really didn't want to commit to it. Since agreeing, he has made comments about it over and over (passive aggressive). He has skipped a tournament hat he had previous plans and when the team was looking To attend another tournament during exh's weekend, exH said he already had plans and that DS couldn't attend.
Though none of the above make me very happy, I have tried to ignore it. This is where I need advice.
I was speaking to exH about a different topic and he mentioned how he did not like practice for the team because he didn't like keeping the other kids at the field. I've told him before that he does not need to sit at practice nor does he need to make the other two kids stay at the park during ds's practice.
Then exH said that he had a talk with ds9 about baseball and that ds9 needed to be more considerate of the rest of the family when picking out his activities!!!
Needless to say, I was shocked but this particular phone call was not the time or place to discuss this new piece of information.
I feel like this is totally inappropriate for exH to put this on the kid. The kid is just playing a sport he likes.
I need to address this but in a calm, non-accusatory manner.
Help.
- step off already's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Ds9 is a natural athlete and
Ds9 is a natural athlete and seems to do very well at all sports. He's played baseball/tee ball since he was 4. He used to play on the same teams as ds10 and dd12 but dd has moved into softball and DS isn't really into sports.
Now this team is just 7-9 year olds who are really still learning but my bou's pretty good and exH wen admits to this.
Yes, from my viewpoint, it does seem that things have changed on his end since his marriage, though he's been with this woman since about 6 months after our separation 6 years ago.
With his continued complaints about wanting baseball to be over (and realizing that his has only affected him one night a week when there is practice) it seems that all exH wants to do is finish work and bring the kids back to his home for the nightly routine. But not sure.
I should also mention that he lives 2 cities away which is about 8 miles. But again, this was his choosing. The kids go to the same school they have always gone to and their activities are all in my city (the same one we lived in before we split). I know this is extra stress for him, but again, he chose to move two cities away.
He's bitching about an 8 mile
He's bitching about an 8 mile distance? I've lived in so many cities where you could be 30 miles away and still be in the same city.
We live in a busy metro area
We live in a busy metro area so it could take 30 minutes+ depending on traffic to go one way.
I think part of the issue is that he doesn't like to ask me or the wife for help with the kids so he stresses himself out ... But them I don't really know.
There are a lot of unknowns
There are a lot of unknowns in this scenario, including how well his wife gets on with the children. It does seem possible that his wife is struggling with the usual compromises and strains of being a stepparent and perhaps since their marriage is trying to have more of a voice in what happens in their home. Perhaps your ex feels it would be imposing on his wife to leave your older 2 at home with her for hours while he takes your youngest to practice, and maybe the other 2 don't want to have to tag along and then hang about somewhere with Dad while practice is on. That would put Dad in a difficult position. Maybe Dad feels that he's losing time with the older 2 in order to support this activity and one of his evenings with them is now entirely organised around the practice session. I can see why a 16mile round trip in the evening after a day at work seems like a bit of a bind. You say that he 'chose' to move away, but there are often a lot of factors in a move including work, house prices, commute distance for him and wife. Maybe he doesn't feel he really had a say in the decision over whether DS9 signed up for this and his resentment stems from feeling he was railroaded into it rather than having buy in to the decision. I do have some sympathy with him because our BM signed 2 of their girls up for dance classes and the schedule of practices and shows was pretty gruelling and meant a lot of time was organised around it and DH lost out on time with the other children. Although it sounds like you have a much fairer overall division of time with a 60/40 split.
Perhaps you could try to get to the bottom of why Dad feels so annoyed about it? Maybe you could say to Dad, "Look I'm sorry you're finding the practice a bit frustrating, DS9 really wanted to do it which was why I thought we should let him have a go. Is there anything we could do to make it easier on you?"
The offer may alleviate his annoyance a bit even if there isn't an obvious solution. Depending on what he says you could suggest some options like swapping his evening with them to a different non-practice night, or keep the same night but he just has the older 2 and you take DS9 to practice? Then he makes up the time with DS9 elsewhere in the schedule? I suspect if you actually asked him if he wants DS9 to give up the team he would feel bad about it and say no.
Here's some of the missing
Here's some of the missing info:
- From my understanding, sm and the kids get along very well. My kids speak highly of her. One item of note is that SM is in her forties and does not have her own children and has always been pretty uninvolved with the kids and their activities/ events. However, I've definitely seen her more since the marriage.
- regarding the move, when exH and I split he moved out of town to a more hip and single adult area. He moved into a high rise apt. A few years later, he rented the home he is now in as a compromise with now SM. both locations are similar distances from our/ my city. My city is actually closer tO his office, but he is a contractor and works from home or in the field most often.
- I've made offers to help with the other kids or to take ds9 to his games and practice and exH is usually appreciative of this. He is very unorganized when it comes tO the kids so I typically frequently remind him of schedules, possible conflicts, and options. But if I don't do that for him, he seems to end up late/ forgetting/ irritated or whatever. One of the reasons I split wih him was a result of his disorganization and inability to follow through with things he committed to. He tends to be a pleaser rather than realistic so he would overextend himself and I would get the short end of the stick. I know this is something he still struggles with.
He's actually asked me last month to switch up the days next school yer because he currently has Thursday nights and didn't like the "rush" on Thursdays that goes with studying for tests and finishing projects. I reminded him that Monday nights the boys have scouts and that it would make his Monday's unenjoyable (by his standards). He prefers to hang at the house wih the kids.