Feeling Lost.... maybe should end things?
I think I am about to the end of my rope here.
I want to give some background on my situation, no I am not a stepmom officially, but I do live with my boyfriend and our kids.
I have been seeing my bf for over 3 years now, I moved in 4 months ago. There has been an issue with his daughter for the last 2 years. She is really sweet, but she is his princess, no doubt about it. 2 years ago, when he got his own apartment (he was living with his sister after his divorce)he did not have bed for his 2 children in the 2nd bed room. His son would sleep on the couch, and his daughter, then 7, would sleep with him. At first I did not think anything of it, and I NEVER would think that he would do anything inappropriate with her, but the longer it went on, the more worried I got. I mentioned it to him, he said, "yes, I need to get them beds..." but it never happened. Long story short, even on the nights that I slept over, we would try to get her to sleep in another room but at least 1/2 the time I would end up on the couch, his son on the floor, and his daughter in the bed with him.
When I moved in with him, his kids came to live with him full time, BM even now only has supervised visits and they are far and few between.
I said, "now it is MY bed too... this needs to stop" He agreed.
Well, after 4 months, she has hardly slept in her bed alone once, she is not in our bed, but her with brother or with my daughters, and she is older than my daughters. And now, she is starting to "flirt?" with her own father. She is writing him notes all the time, writing "I love Daddy" in the fog on the mirror in the bathroom after a shower, sitting next to him on the couch rubbing his chest. He says she is just very affectionate but it makes me uncomfortable. When I bring it up, he shuts down saying I am jealous. I am not jealous, it makes me uncomfortable. I already had to fight for a bed when she should sleep alone. Now, while I am at work, she cuddles next to him to watch tv all night. His son does his own thing because he gets ignored by dad when they go out anywhere together. So, daughter gets to go places with Dad all alone.
More recently, I have been seeing the counselor that him and his kids are going to. They have had trouble with BM and have court ordered counseling. Dad actually suggested that I attend separate sessions as well. Now that the counselor is getting MY take on the situation, she is concerned that Daddy is giving in to SD to much. He is going to create a monster, she said. She is suppose to talk to him about it. I ask her what I could do for MY piece of mind, to help keep me on an even keel through this. She just said she would talk to Daddy.
Now, tonight, I get home from work for lunch and SD is in MY computer chair watching TV next to Daddy is HIS computer chair. Now he knows I am possessive about my computer chair. She just stands up in it and waves, "Hi Freedom!" so sweetly. It ticked me off. So now I am pissed off and Daddy is like, "what are YOU upset about, I told you about these outbursts for no reason"
I WANT TO SCREAM! I don't know what to do. I have such strong feelings about this. He has been saying that I should not talk to him any more about how he favors his daughter over EVERYONE. It is not just me, not just his son, but everyone. He told me to stay out of it. There is no issue he says.
I get angry when ever I see his daughter. She actually does not do anything for me to get angry with. She can get snotty, but it stems from the fact that she is given everything she wants! She is actually a very nice and generous person.
I am beginning to think that maybe this is too much work for me. I love my boyfriend, I love being around him. But seriously, really, only when she is not around... and I like her too.
I know a lot of you will say to move on, but I am committed to stay with him till at least the end of the school year for MY daughters.
I am about to give up though, it is really becoming a serious rift in our relationship. I guess I just find it so sad that a guy that I think is so awesome has such blindness when it comes to his daughter.
I know I won't go any time soon. Maybe I should plan for moving out at the end of the year. If I end things, then I only have to worry about myself and my girls. I won't have any help, and I will have to change shifts but I won't have this to worry about.
I am not afraid of being alone, but I love being with him, other than this. I guess I have had my love of my life. I just wish it would not end like this 
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I feel the same way SD 5
I feel the same way SD 5 comes over on the weekends and wont sleep alone and she grinds her teeth so loud it wakes me up from the other room. I told her that big girls sleep by them selves and Sd said when i am 5 I will sleep alone well she turned 5 last week I'm waiting to see this weekend what happens. Dh doesn't think it a problem doesn't understand why its a big deal to me but he also doesn't sleep in the bed with me even when she is not over He gets home from work at 1 a.m and gets on the computer and goes to sleep when i get up (i know i have a great relationship) and for awhile she would always want to play computer games on my computer mind you we have 3 computer in our home she always wanted mine even when i was on it she would look at her dad and say can i go one Kerri's computer and he would look at me waiting for an answer i was like how about the other two???? I feel your pain I also dont want to give up but it does drive me insane when sd is over.
OMG...I give u so much credit.....
I would have run the first time I saw them sleeping in the same bed....how old is yur SD?....that to me is just waaaaay too creepy behavior for me to be around....its blurring that daddys girl line to a point of uncomfortableness....thank GOD my DH is not like that with his daughters.....someone needs to make clear to yur SD that YOU are the lady of the house and are to be respected in that role....unfortunately..... if yur DH isn't willing to do that....u have a long road ahead of u.....I dunno maybe its me...but what is with these men sleeping with their daughters?.....in the beginning my DH slept on the floor....no cushion, no nothin,,,just a pillow and a blanket...while his daughters had the bed....had it been any other way, I wouldn't be here today.....jmo
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
SD is 10
I actually LIKE that he is so active with his kids, but when it so obviously favoring... more like obsessing, about his daughter.
I can say that I LOVE the fact he is so close to his kids. My father was not close to me and I still have issues with it.
Also, BF is great with MY kids... better than their dad!
There are great reasons to stay, I just hope that his daughter does not become a spoiled brat.... and his son does not get ignored
Hence, the counselor!!!
Freedom - The girl is
Freedom -
The girl is obviously attached to her father, she is little and naturally looking for loving and secure relationship, ecpesially in this unsure situation of separated parents, a new home, a new circumstances, visitations and a new family - you and your kids. Her father is the figure who does give her feeling of being loved and secured - I don't see anything wrong of her being attached to her F.
If you will express any negativity toward her she will sense it and will lean to her father even more. Once she will get older her fight for her father will become mmore agressive.
The only way to improve the situation I see you getting involved more with her to gain her trust and frienship and love. You describe her as a lovable little lady, it not suppose to be too hard. Forgive her that YOUR chair - don't kill me for this phrase, I know it is hard, I really do.
How old your daughters are? Can they play together to drag her away from that father-daughter rope?
While in your house she must feel welcomed and loved by everyone to feel secure enough to leave that comfortable papa's aura and blend in and be "normal".
While her behavior is normal, I don't think your BF's one is though. I'd pass on commenting that sleeping together issue, but another thing -he shouldn't ignore his own son - it's plain wrong. That tells me his attachement to his BD is more than fathery - sorry.
You are so right!
I agree that this is not HER fault. I don't think she is evil and I do try to be loving to her. When bad things happen with her mom, which is frequently, I take her out and do things with her and my girls.
My girls are 7 and 9, SD is 10.
All the girls do play together, but they are at their dad's house right now until school starts.
stay till
stay till the end of the school year & save as much money as you can, then get the F#@$ out! The whole sleeeping in bed w/ Daddy thing creeps me out. he's NOT your husband so it's not going to be difficult. RUN!
What Does the Therapist Say?
For starters, how old is your boyfriend's daughter? Is she just a little, insecure kid who needs her dad's attention because of the situation between her mom and dad, or is she an older daughter? This makes a big difference. If she is much over the age of six she needs to be sleeping in her own bed at night. Does your boyfriend make any attempt to get her to sleep in her own bed which would include picking her up and physically moving her to her own bed after she has fallen asleep or is he happy with her sleeping in your's and his bed while you sleep somewhere else? If he is happy with her sleeping in his bed and you not sleeping in your's and his bed then you have a real big problem. No woman would or should put up that. Something isn't right. What does your therapist say about this? The therapist is going to have a point of view here and likely recommendations. Does the therapist even know about it? The minute I read your blog red flags went up everywhere.
Therapist says......
Therapist says that this is a problem. That is why she wants to talk to DH. She wanted me to ask him if he would talk to her about it and he said he would. That is why I am waiting until Monday when he has the appointment. I am hoping that she can get through being outside the situation. He won't listen to me on it because he thinks I am jealous.
He does get her to her own bed if she is in ours when I come home from work. Now, if there is a problem, like a storm, I let her in... of course, I let my own kids in (7 and 9) SD is 10, so around the same age as my own.
If I am not in the bed, and she is, he will not move her.
Some days I am really upset about it, and some I realize she is a child and wants comfort. But, she needs to learn to sleep alone.
She is trying, but I also know that Dad is VERY lenient with her.
Just gonna wait until to see what the counselor says...
Hello, my SM twin....
You and I have a LOT of the same situation going on. Read through some of my old blogs and you'll see some good responses from the good people here. I even have one blog about my SD who is now 8 stroking the hair on my FH's chest...it made me ill. When I started dating him, SD8 also slept in his bed every night, however, has not since we started living together (about 1.5 yrs ago). She does still crawl into bed with us in the mornings (which I hate, but he loves) but otherwise, he has insisted in her sleeping in her own bed (although he does lay down with her in her bed every night for about 10 minutes until she goes to sleep).
How old is your SD now? Trying to do the math, it sounds like she's about 9 now? MY SD sounds SOOOO much like yours...sweet, doesn't get into much trouble, etc,...however, my SD8 is manipulative beyond measure. She plays sick to get da-da's attention...wants him to "hold her" all the time. Just this morning I was on this site whining about how she was ALREADY up his butt this morning before the sun was even up.
It sounds like you've already decided about whether you should stay or go. However, for the benefit of everyone involved, I believe you should tell him where his obsession with his daughter is taking your relationship. Perhaps if he realized that you cannot keep living like this much longer, maybe he loves you enough to try to change. My FH is MADLY OBSESSED with his SD, but I have to say, since we moved in together, and I told him how much his OVERaffection of her vs his UNDERaffection of me makes me feel, and that I don't know if I can live like that forever, he has made some amazing changes. He still worships the ground she walks on, but I have felt much more loved and included than I used to. He heard me and wants things to work out for us, so he's adjusted things somewhat. I know SOME things will never change (read my recent blog "Does anyone else ever feel like they will always be 2nd?"....but I've learned from the ladies on this board to keep at it, keep the communication open, and eventually he could shift that devotion more equally. I don't want him to stop loving his daughter...but I want to be loved AT THE VERY LEAST as MUCH as he loves her. My hope is that that will happen someday.
Underaffection... interesting word!!!
Hey, ya know what... when I asked him to try to show me more affection out of bed... he has!!! I am not angry, just happy to be reminded of it!!
I think I am more worried about what kind of girl she will become.
He is so adamant about not wanting her on a pole (stripper) that he gives her everything. He does not see that she will want this same affection from all the other men in her life as well. I am actually trying to HELP HIM. He does not see it that way.
It is so hard for me to watch though, knowing what he is doing to her. Nothing REALLY bad, but raising her to want constant affection from men, and constant attention. I think we all know what kind of woman she will become if this continues.