I am worried that I will feel like the "often irritated outsider" for years to come. :?

Hello, I am a 36yr woman. I've never been married and have no children. Although for many years now I've hoped and prayed to have a loving relationship, marriage and children. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 4 months now. He's a divorced single dad to one 8yr daughter. He knows I hope to have a wedding and baby of my own one day. Thankfully before I joined this site, I read the other blogs & I see from other user's comments that I am not an evil or terrible or selfish person for having mixed feelings about his daughter and for having the thought that things would probbly be better & easier if it was just Him & I. But it is not easy.

She acts like a little brat more often than not, often times whining when she doesn't get her way, or over little stuff that no one can control, like it being hot in summer etc. She sometimes has tantrums, which I think an 8&1/2 yr old is too big for and she doesn't really have many manners. Like saying please and thank you, or not sitting with her legs all up in the air. My boyfriend has even gotten frustrated with her bratty behavior at times and referred to her as a brat. But I am sure I get frustrated with it WAY more than he does. He doesn't usually do much to discipline her behavior either. I know, I know, She is his child and they have been together just the two of them, most of the time for the past few years since he's been divorced. I am not sure if part of the reason he doesn't discipline her more is because he is used to a lot of it, is worried about backlash from his ex in court or if he just doesn't know better ways to discipline so she learns to act better.

He has split custody, so he has her with him every week from Sunday afternoon to Wednesday then she goes back to her BM's house. He and I usually spend time together on Friday and Saturday evenings. Because I have two jobs and I work Monday - Saturday and he works Wednesday - Sunday. We also live kind of far apart, about 40-55 minute drive one way, depending on traffic & weather. Sometimes I stay around at his place on Sundays and spend time with him and his daughter Sunday afternoon and evening. Not always bad but sometimes I feel like a "fifth-wheel" and when she has her whining tantrums I feel so irritated and want to just go home.

My BF and I love each other and have discussed getting married one day and he knows that I want to have a baby of my own one day. Hopefully before it's too late for me. :? We've also discussed getting a place together this summer, but honestly I am really concerned about the days when his daughter would visit us. The idea that half my week, every week when I get home from work could be consumed by his daughter acting like a brat :O :sick: . The thought alone litterally brings me to tears.

A few months ago, on a Sunday when I was hanging out with him and his daughter, she ended up whining and pouting for about 95% of the afternoon and evening. It was so F'kng annoying. Even though by BF did get annoyed by it some, he didn't really do or say much about it to her. I was so annoyed. This was not the first occaision of her speding hours acting like a whiny twit.

At one point we were all sitting on the couch, my BF in the middle and she put her feet on him and was pushing on him and pinched his arm. He got upset a little and told her to stop it. But that was it. If I did that as a child, My mom or dad would have smacked the crap out of me and rightfully so. My parents weren’t super strict and didn't spank us a lot, hardly ever actually, we learned not to act a fool and the threat of a slap was enough. They were very loving, but they didn't let me or my sister act like little shit's either. Thank goodness!!!!!
After she finally went to bed, my BF seemed to be just fine as if our whole evening wasn't marred by whining and pouting.

My sister and I are very close. I have a niece(5yr) and nephew(7yr). I have been around them both since they were born. They are my god children. I love spending time with them often and I am thankful they live fairly close to me. They are pretty well behaved children because their parents, My sis & brother-in-law teach them well, give them lots of love, yet do NOT let them act up without disciplining them. I don't let them act up when I am watching them either and if/when they do, I put a stop top it. "Time out" is ussually enough to get them to straighten up. Yet we still have fun together, they are always so happy to see me, I feel like a celebrity with all the hugs and smiles I get when I walk in the door. I know that won't last forever as they get older. Such as life.

Anyway, the Sunday when my BF's daughter was acting like a little twit, after she went to sleep I was really quiet. My BF asked me what I was thinking about. I said he probably doesn't want to know. He asked me what it was again and said he does want to know. I said, "why do you let her talk back to you?" he dismissively said, she was just acting like a brat and I said, "then why not say something to her about it? and then I said, "I don't even let my niece & nephew talk back to me."
He got frustrated and it turned into an argument. He said he could spank her butt, but what good would that do? The he said, this is why he is terrified of having another child. I said, "Oh, like I'd let MY child act like THAT?!"
Cause, while i know all kids have their moments, I sure as hell won't let them act like that.

I ended up crying in the bathroom for a moment. Partially at the fear that he may never fully warm up to having another child with me. But also at the idea of putting up with his child acting like a butt and him not doing much about it or to change it.

Last night I tried to have a calm conversation with my BF about my concerns and it went fairly well, no yelling etc. He did end up asking me what he could do to help me [not feel like a fifth wheel]. I am worried that I will feel like the "often irritated outsider for years to come though. I do not have previous experience with this stuff, so it's not like I had a list of things ready to tell him. Besides, I was trying to tread lightly so he doesn't just think I am trying to insult his child or his parenting. I did not mention to him about my concerns with how irritating her bratty nehavior is and that I am not sure I want to live with that.

I did tell him that I am concerned about his consideration level for me when she is around. Recently the three of us went on a road trip to South Dakota for a few days. there were ups and downs, but for the most part a good trip. Thankfully she didn't act up much, that is until we were driving back. :l
A few times while on the trip I noticed that my boyfriend would do things like, ask her what she wanted to eat and not always ask me too and let her watch "her shows" on tv and not even ask me if I might want to watch something other than a kiddy show. One time when we got back to the room with food, She immediatly asked to watch "her shows". Well since she watched them the day before and that morning, I said " wait a moment, lets see if we can find a show we all might want to watch" My boyfriend flipped through a couple channels then handed her the remote as if what I said didn't even matter. WTF?

It has me concerned that he will not take my feelings & needs etc. into consideration much when she is round us. I know she is his child, she should be his priority most of the time. But on the other hand she is not a little baby and old enuogh to learn how to share and be considerate of the people around her. I don't think anyone has really tried to teach her that. His and my relationship should be a priority to him too. I let my boyfriend know I am considering renewing my lease at my current place for another year from next month (May). So that we could all have more time to adjust to the dynamic.

Not trying to be too selfish but, Is me trying to learn how to deal with all this "ish" AKA his substantail baggage (a bratty SD, his ex and her family and his hesitation about having a baby w/ me etc.) really worth it for me? I really could use some feedback and support, especially from those who can relate.
Thanks in advance for reading my ranting vent.