*I wrote this letter with bits of advise I even received from this forum*

my love,

I write this letter to you, because sometimes we forget what’s said, and we take things out of context, and risk misinterpretation. This letter cannot be altered once it’s in your hands, and it will be a constant source of reference in terms of how I feel, what I said, and the spirit in which I said it.

You know, the truth of the matter is that I am left with very limited choices here. What makes it so complicated is that other than this issue with FSS6 behavioural problems, we have no issues between the two of us that we can't, and don't manage. We love each other, are in love with each other... and for the better part want this relationship to work with everything inside of us. For everyone’s sake, as well as for the sake of a fair stable environment for our that we’ll be having in a few months. The fact that one element of our lives poses a significant threat does not mean we walk away without exploring the options.

The sad reality is the situation has reached a point where I am seriously weighing the options of what’s in the best interest for everyone in my future. Having said that, I have to consider that I will always have two smaller children who will always be at a physical disadvantage to FSS6, because not only is he physically stronger, he is a boy, and has hurt, and can continue hurting the smaller ones if his behaviour is not addressed. I honestly think that the most important point of departure regarding this problem is that discipline that is applied to him. Unfortunately negotiating with a child, like you would an adult; which is to be nice to suit a situation, is not adequate.

The way we discipline our children are very different, and while I will never advocate you hitting your child, you need to find a way that will directly link his behaviour to a specific consequence. The reason why always removing him from a situation when he is naughty does not work is because honestly, there is no negative consequence involved in that practice. He gets to go from one environment where he is misbehaving, to be taken to another environment where he’s left to do pretty much whatever he wants to. Children feel the pinch when they’re deprived of benefits, and consistently exercising this as a method of discipline can alter behaviour. The key to this is that you need to come up with a strategy for discipline for FSS6. Not to only make this situation work, but for your son to grow up and learn that he cannot simply get away with hurting people. I believe that as parents we must shape our children and do everything in our power to finally present the world with well-balanced, emotionally intelligent, compassionate, intuitive, and psychologically stable individuals. This is the best gift we can give them in order for us to one day be confident that they will be okay in this world, and not worry about whether they will cope.

We stand at this crossroad because this is what I fear is being currently compromised for BD3, and possibly our child that’s growing inside of me. This is also the reason why I am willing to give up the man I love so that I can make sure that they are in the environment that will best shape them to be these kinds of individuals. You cannot learn compassion when you are being beaten up by an older child. You cannot be psychologically stable if your home environment is the source of your psychological instability. Yes BD3 and FSS6 has been affected by this - but it's my duty as a parent to lead BD3 through a recovery process that will see him - and me -learn from this and get over it... and finally forget it. Which is why I made the decision to take her to therapy.

I cried about this so many times over the past few days, because I am standing at the brink of walking away from a man whom I love dearly and a man whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe if BD3, our unborn child and I are not around, it will make the situation easier for you with FSS6, and you won’t feel torn in two. That’s a consideration you need to also consider in all of this for yourself and for FSS6’s best interests.

See the thing is that I want this relationship to work, and am willing to explore the options of making this work. What we need to agree upfront is that you need to be in charge of the process, and I will support the decisions you make provided it is fair and to everyone’s advantage. We have to be united in this otherwise it’s going to fail. The minute we contradict each other or show signs of any disagreement, it will fail.

One of the things, as difficult as it may be, or whether you want to do it or not, is that you at least try to get your ex’s buy-in on this. At the end of the day, she is still his mother, and will always be, and she may also be at a loss with regard to the situation, which is why she’s decided that it’s best he stays with you. I suspect that the same issues I have raised, is what’s been happening there as well. Her being pregnant, it puts bigger stress in her life. Luckily for her, she is able to pass him off to his dad, unluckily for you, you also have a pregnant girlfriend who is just as unwilling to live with the situation as it is. You and his mother agreeing to specific discipline means that he does not play you guys up against each other. You don’t want this situation to continue where he calls her whenever he does not like the rules laid down with you, or where he calls you whenever he does not get his way at her home, which is what I’ve noticed has been happening . That incident with her boyfriend snapping at him made me think “what did FSS6 do to elicit such a response from an adult?” No adult will shout at a child without a reason. The way in which he did it may not have been right, but WHAT caused him to react to FSS6 so harshly in the first place?

My fear in this regard is that our daily lives will become simply awful for everyone if this situation is not resolved. With me constantly having to correct and complain about FSS6, you will become defensive, cease to participate, and start comparing BD3’s behaviours (who is in a different part of her development altogether). It may end up as a my-child-vs.-your-child story, as it’s already started out. If I were in your shoes, I would probably do the same thing. We run the risk of you feeling FSS6 is always being picked on when he is disruptive, when it’s really his behaviour that we’re trying to address. Then over-compensating in a way that is so unproductive to what we’re trying to achieve. I don’t want to sugar-coat things, because this is the reality of the situation.

In that I am the one always “pointing out problems with your son”, I recognise that he is a wounded child. And the operative word in that sentence is child. He's 6 years old. He's been displaced, and in a volatile situation where mom and dad don’t like each other, therefore don’t agree with regards to how he get disciplined or raised. FSS6 needs to feel loved and accepted and encouraged to be the best child, and ultimately the best person, he can be. I recognise that your son needs you to shape him and teach him to be this kind of person.

What he requires is adequate parenting. We have always said that we are very different in our approaches, and this is the biggest challenge where our differences have come to stare us in the face. Our value system seems to be very different with regards to parenting styles. We cannot “figure things out as we go along” in this case. A clear decision must be made, rules must be drawn up, and obeyed by everyone, and that will increase our chances significantly. Things like the importance of school attendance and keeping him out of school unnecessarily has raised major alarm bells in my head for some time already. I come from a home where education is your main priority as a child, and unless you’re dying, you WILL go to school. His first year of school has set a foundation that leaves a lot to be desired, and if that continues, it will jeopardise his, and the other two children in our lives’ attitude towards school. I have to think long term because children need to be equipped with the right tools to go through life in their formative years. I have to think long term because the short term decisions we make have long term implications, and making sure that the long term goals we have for our children is realised in a positive way.

I would hate to see you take defence to the detriment of your son’s future development. Whether I stay or go, is my decision. Whether you are willing to work through this, where you include me and BD3, or walk away, is your decision. But I know I can try and assist in healing this little boy from the dysfunction he was exposed to. Bad habits can be broken if it is shown consistently over time that good behaviour yields more positive results in the long run. At the end of the day, I am an adult who does have the ability to be able work and try and assist as best I can, within boundaries. My number one boundary is that this is your responsibility; I am assisting you in this situation. You need to restructure your methods of discipline, and you need to ensure that FSS6 does not compromise the emotional development of the other children in this situation. That's my fundamental requirement. If we prove to be incompatible at the end, then it is what it is, and set up a proper visitation schedule for the little one when the time is right, and discuss the rules of engagement moving forward. Should we give it a go, I need you to give me your full commitment, set down the rules of engagement, write down the rules of the house and how issues will be dealt with, and adhere to them consistently.

In this regard, it starts in the home. FSS6’s respect for your mother and never ignoring her, and seeing her as a disciplinarian in your home is an important step in starting a positive change for FSS6. Encouraging anything else but absolute respect for adults, especially those we live with, is so important that I cannot leave it out. Reward good behaviour, and praise him when he does do things right. Children thrive on praise when dealt out in situations where they do achieve something. That way it will not be a foreign concept to him when he is in other people’s homes where he must be reminded to greet, be courteous etc... These are things that should be cemented in his behaviour already. By 5 years old, children should know how to act around adults and have the necessary social graces appropriate for their age. It’s not about pleasing other people, it’s about forming your place in society, and speaks to how easy you will relate to people in the future. If you are unwilling to engage with people, people will be unwilling to engage with you. It’s as simple as that.

I sincerely hope that you take my concerns and considerations to heart, and whatever you decide; I will respect, and hope that the same applies with my decisions. I have noted my suggestions as best I could in this letter, and hope for a good outcome for all involved. We’re in a difficult situation, but difficult does not mean impossible. Whatever is difficult to achieve, can be achieved. Whatever is difficult to reach, can be reached with effort, with time, with commitment and consistency.

That’s my thoughts, in a very long letter

Love,
foxxystep