I don’t want my kid living without his/her father…
How many of us are guilty of this. In saying that we often find ourselves providing our kids with such dysfunction that they’d be better off being raised by a stable single parent? That’s the worst excuse in the book, because if you are staying for the children, you are there for the wrong reasons, and the people that get the worst deal ARE the very children you’re staying for.
My BD3 (soon-to-be-4) does not have a relationship with her dad, because he kinda forgot to tell me and my family and friends that he was married. His wife called me when my daughter was 1 year old to ask me whether I was aware that my “boyfriend” was married. She was very calm about it, I suppose the she had to have made that call one too many times to realise the problem is her husband.
I made the conscious decision to cut all ties with him. The reasons were as follows:
1) She’d always be the dirty little lovechild in his family, and no child needs to take the punishment of their lying parent.
2) She is totally accepted and loved in my family, she’s be met with hostility and resentment in his, and that’s not fair
3) I don’t want to have him involved in our lives at all. I don’t accept CS and he’s got no visitation.
Does she ask about her daddy? Of course she does. I tell her that he daddy has another family that he’s living with and cannot be a part of ours. As she grows older she’ll be let in more detail, but that’s all a almost4 year old needs to know.
Now you’d think I’d be smarter with the next choice of mate… not. LOL! I chose a man who has a child who is out of control, his presence in our lives caused so much pain and we’re still suffered the residual damage. I became bitter towards my So because:
• His son’s behaviour is the reason why our house is filled with so much tension
• Because his son is not allowed here, he’s been nasty towards my BD3
• My BD3 internalised that my SO is mean to her, and is acting out by not wanting him around
• His evil child gets to be shielded from all of this, when he visits his dad, he gets taken to SO’s house.
• OUR lives are destroyed because of a child who now gets to live a consequence-free life
I am angry, and I am bitter about it. I am also 34 weeks pregnant. With his child. I can see what a bad job he’s done of parenting that little runt, that I actually want NO interaction with my son and his. Is it in my unborns son’s best interest to stay with his father for the sake of getting to know his dad? Is it in my daughters best interest with growing resentment. At the age of 3, really this is sooo unhealthy… How do some parents sacrifice their children’s good mental health for the sake of having a man? I look around me in my town and I wonder: Have we gone mad?
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I left my ex when my BD was
I left my ex when my BD was only 4 months. He is an alcoholic and I knew that I didn't want to raise my child in that environment. I wish I understood what I was getting into at the time!
It was very difficult on my daughter. She asked more and more about her dad the older she got. I found out her grandmother (dad) told her that Jesus was fixing him. She literally thought he was in heaven being fixed! I could have killed grandma!! My BD just turned 14 and just last week we had a heart to heart about her dad. I told her the truth and she accepted what she could. She doesn't understand the illness as she feels he abandoned her for beer..which I guess is true!
I'm glad I left him! She has turned out to be a better person without him around! He doesn't see her, and he doesn't pay child support! He does post on Facebook that his daughter is his whole life and I guess that makes her feel good. He is a poser! I say nothing because I love my BD too much!!
Is it in my unborns son’s
Is it in my unborns son’s best interest to stay with his father for the sake of getting to know his dad?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This may be harsh, but it may be in his best interest for you to stay with his father, just so he is not raised like your SS...
I am so grateful that my EX has stayed mostly out of the picture.
I think my issue would be the
I think my issue would be the ability to control what goes on when the bio child is with his father and skids. So during visitation, I wouldn't be able to control that.
Willow, here's the deal. If
Willow, here's the deal. If my SO has created a monster in FSS7, his son from another relationship, if I stay, he's bound to repeat those mistakes with our unborn son. I cannot take that risk. He does not see that there is anything wrong with his son's behaviour, what assurance does that give me that he will not instill those same antisocial values in our son? The moodiness, the ignoring people when he feels like it, the hypochondriac behaviours, the brattiness, the total disregard for rules... the list goes on. His son is a product of the values that my SO instilled in him. What good is it that I openly place this unborn child in the line of fire to be raised the same? What kind of mother does it make me letting my BD3 be hurt daily by the snide hurtful remarks made her way.... What kind of repsonsible parent does it make me raising 2 children in an unhealthy environment for the sake of saying "I did it so he can know his dad". I canot find a good enough reason to make it okay.
alwaysanxious, as I have read
alwaysanxious, as I have read from other people's expereince, there's something about Biodads and their children from first relationships. They get more attention, and are the ones who get attention at the expense of other subsequent kids from later relationships. I am banking my money on that beign the case... havign said that though, I have enough witnesses to strengthen my case, if it ever comes up that visitation can only occur if that abusive SS7 is not there. I am trying to find a way of getting a restraining order based on the history of his previous abuse towards my BD3. My house is very far from SO's house (about an hours drive), so it will be very limited interaction. I find that kids are more often than not shaped by their mom (good and bad behaviours). So I am praying that the values I instill on a daily basis will wipe away bad habit learnt by dad on an occassional basis.
Interesting. Good luck to
Interesting. Good luck to you!!
OK if you say a childs
OK if you say a childs behaviours are more often than not formed by the mother .... how can you blame your BF for his sons behaviour? Wouldn't that be the mother's fault if you believe your own logic?
I may have missed something in the first paragraph but did you ever contact your first child's bio family? Or did you draw the conclusion that your daughter would be ostracised and labelled? Some people aren't like that. They embrace ANY child who is 'family'.
Is denying your children the opportunity to meet their birth family in their best interests? Their may be good people out there, certainly not a badly behaved 7 yr old. But their may be relatives who can give your children a better balance.
And you may not get to call the shots regarding who can and can't be around your children. They have another parent who has no legal impediment to NOT see his son/daughter. Just a mother who doesn't like the way he raises his children. Didn't you see this when you first got with this man? The way he behaves with his son or allows his son to behave?
Also from a medical perspective it may be prudent to maintain contact with someone. One day you may need that blood relative to help keep your child alive be it with a kidney donation or otherwise.
a bit more history is needed.
a bit more history is needed. BD3's dad was not suddenly cut off for no reason. As I said I found out a year after she was born.... Fact is that in that year, he hasn't bothered fathering the child. He made no attempt at bonding with her. I spoke to a psychologist, family, minister about it, and it was everyone's opinion that the child does not need to go thru see-saw feelings. Its not as if the door is permanently shut, I keep contact with his sister, who happens to love my daughter and is equally saddened that her brother is such a jerk. She's the older sister.
Regarding FSS7, he lived with his dad for the first 5 years of his life, he started living with his mom Jan 2010 as it was better for him regarding school etc... BM was very absent in his formative years, so what that child learnt, he learnt from his father.
initially when we met FSS7 was the same as MOST Skids, nice, acceptably respectful etc... When his abuse came out, a lot happened so fast and he was removed. So no, I didn't study father-son relationship till problems arose and I haven't interacted with him for 5 months now.
I get offended, as do most people, when people chose to not read what was said. I said a woman should not stay with a man cos she's doing it ''for the kids''. She's not. She's doing it at the expense of her kids. That was the implication.
Also I never said my son won't have a relationship with his dad. He will. The visitation bothers me if his other son is there, because that child has got oppositional-defiant conduct issues. He has proven to be a harm to small kids. Even reports from school. He defies all rules etc... Now if I smilingly let my baby visit dad and Chucky is there, whom of u will comfort me if he kills my child, or causes brain injury? Before calling people self-righteous, read properly first.
my concern was not for my son
my concern was not for my son not to have a relationship with my SO, it was that should I stay, him being a permanent factor will be detrimental to my BD3 as he IS nasty to her.
It all stems from the destruction his son caused in our lives, so my daughter who was the victim of physical abuse at the hands of FSS7, is now being psychologically abused by my SO with his insidiously nasty behaviour.
So should my SO and I continue being involved, I damage one child knowingly. The other child will have more exposure to SO's behaviour, and the odds are that he could very well turn out like his model older brother and father. I'd prefer off-setting those risks by more limited exposure. Therefore, my son gets the relationship minus the negative bad influence on a permanent basis.