With everything going on right now, with how sh!tty I feel, with me doing everything I can not to break down into a sobbing hysterical mess, SS is now coming. He will be here tonight.

The house is a wreck, I haven't gone grocery shopping, SO now wants me to go run a bunch of f@cking errands and get everything ready for SS to come down. Any other weekend any other time I would be happy to do it. But with what has happened this week I just can't. I am barely holding it together. SO has no idea what I am going through and he seems to think everything is a okay. He almost seems irritated with me, and I save my hysterical mess for when he is in bed. He doesn't even see the worst of it.

Last night I mentioned staying with a friend so that he could have one on one time with SS. I really just want to go somewhere I can be free to scream and cry and grieve the only way I know how. To let out all this pain, all this hurt all this rage. Do it with someone who understands, who gets it and who can help me through this. His response- Why? We (him and SS) will just sit there and stare at each other. I have no way to articulate to him why I need this without making him feel like I am being ridiculous. I'm afraid I am going to blow up at him. He isn't intentionally being an ass, he just doesn't get it. And I really don't think he wants to hear it. This seems almost trivial to him. Like no big deal. SO didn't know him, and frankly I didn't talk about him to SO much. Hell I don't talk to anyone much about my time in the service, just my therapist and a couple good friends. I don't share, I don't let emotions out IRL. The most SO has heard about him is a couple of crazy stories about fun times.

I am supposed to see my therapist late this afternoon, but we have nasty weather coming in later and just the thought of snow or ice makes people here drive like idiots. Going out in that kind of weather is asking to get in an accident. I'm trying to figure out how to get through this weekend. Its not SS's fault, and I don't blame SO for wanting his son here at all. This just sucks.