What is my problem!?

I am 25 and nearly engaged to a 31 year old with two kids, SS4 SS7. We have them 50/50. He is my dream guy, I love him too pieces, and him me. But I didn't want to date him because he has kids, but I did. At first he was pushing the step mom thing on me really hard! "Is this how you would treat your kids?" He'd always ask when I try to remove myself from whatever activity they are engaged in, or when I avoided the guys he'd force on me by them. (I'm not a hugger to any person) but I explained how it was all too much and he agreed and apologized.. and he's ok with me backing off as a "parent" he realizes im there to be with HIM not THEM. But I'm a free spirit.. gypsy soul. It's hard for me to be anchored to one place and he knows that, hell let me go off and travel and he'd support me in my lifestyle. He will also have his mom watch them at the drop of a hat if we want to have a date night or go on a weekend adventure. He knows they are HIS responsibility, not mine. And he'd even let me parent, my house my rules kinda thing (we live together) he'd always have my back and never step on my feet. It's so PERFECT.. why do I have one foot out the door!? These kids are great, my parents absolutely love them. But I dont. I dread when we will have them.

Little back story:

The dad was an alcoholic with MAJOR anger issues.. no hitting but he'd scream and break stuff. I left but since then he's taken any class under the sun to help him and goes to AA every day and the home life has gotten SO MUCH better.. we have our disagreements but we're able to sit down and work it out like adults now, but I still haven't fully moved back in... I never wanted step kids in the first place.

BUT step kids mean I won't have to go through the gross / painful pregnancy/birth/baby stuff.. and we're years closer to having grown kids out of the house.. AND we only have the kids half the time.. so many upsides!

Why am I still debating this!? I still have one foot out the door!?

Fjams's blog
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It's okay to decide not to

It's okay to decide not to decide right now. You're still figuring out who you are, what you want, and what you don't want. You don't have to commit to anything, or do anything other than be true to yourself.

It sounds as if you don't want children of your own, and don't necessarily want to be boxed into the role of mother. You dread having his kids around. Which is fine as it is your truth, but means you would likely be very unhappy in a life where much is dictated by a partner's parental responsibilities.

So maybe just dating this man for now is okay. He needs to be focused on his sobriety and parenting, anyway. Enjoy him, but don't let him tie you down. The world is full of men, and there are many chapters ahead in your life to fill with people and experiences. Keep your options open.

Very well put.. I'll just be

Very well put.. I'll just be OK with not knowing at the moment. I can do that I just feel very selfish with my actions and thoughts. But gathering from a lot of the other blogs most women (SMs) feel this way.

Being aware of red flags

is NOT selfish.

I never ever wanted kids and

I never ever wanted kids and never had them. Thank G*d because I'd hate being a mom. It's in my bones to not have kids. I don't feel the least bit selfsih because I work my rear-end off for the non-profit world and am there for my friends and family. That's enough for me.

HOWEVER being a SM never entered my mind. At 25 do not go into this thinking it's easy because you don't want your own kids, in some ways it's more difficult b/c you have both the SM assumptions AND the woman with no kids assumptions (you hate my kids and you don't get it b/c you're not a parent). So think carefully. You WILL have kids at your place/his place A LOT.

BUT step kids mean I won't

You need to rethink this - unless you do not want kids, period - because stepkids are not at all a replacement for your own children. Not even close. And if you don't want your own kids, why would you want to be tied down by someone else's kids? If you view having them only half the time as a plus, why not just have NO kids all the time? Wouldn't that be even better?

I have two stepkids who are 4 and 7, so I'm familiar with the ages. DH and I also have an "ours" baby, because I DID want my own children. I love the skids, but in all honesty, my life would be easier if they didn't exist. They're a lot of work, and they're expensive. I'm stuck living where we currently live, even though I'd prefer to go elsewhere, because of the skids. But for them, DH and I could pick up with our daughter and move. My skids love me, they do nice things for me, they treat me with respect, I have authority to go along with the responsibility, BM is cooperative and sane - I have it pretty good where stepkids are concerned. But it would still have been preferable if my DH hadn't already had kids.

If you're dreading when the kids are over, you're ambivalent about kids to start with, and there are other issues (the alcoholism) with the relationship, well, it's pretty easy to see why you have one foot out the door. This isn't what you want. And you won't find what you want if you cling to what you don't.

All of This!

And I will add.... Run!

"You won't find what you want

"You won't find what you want if you cling to what you don't"

^^^^All of this^^^^

This situation is the dead opposite of what you would be truly happy with. I promise this guy is not the sun. He's an alcoholic, he has kids and he needs routine and has a long road to recovery.

As a 25 year old, a wandering gypsy and just a person with a logical brain...RUN. Travel, explore, have fun, see the world, do all the things. You're young, have no commitments and it's what your heart desires.

This will end up making you resentful, unhappy and longing for the adventure in life that you crave.

Find something else before the heart of you starts to fade and deteriorate. There is so much more out there...and so many other men that could give you what you desire to be truly happy. Go!

This this this^^^^^^^^^^

Skids are NOT the same as having your own kids, and if you don’t want kids of your own I’m sure you could find a partner who also doesn’t want kids, someone who’s also not an alcoholic, and you could be gypsies together for as long as you want. Why tie yourself down to someone who’s life doesn’t match what you want for yourself?

Youre 25 years old, you’ve got so much life ahead of you & you sound like you’ve got a very reasonable head on your shoulders. Listen to your head, not your heart. There are plenty of great guys out there, you don’t need to tolerate a life you’re not totally happy with. You really don’t.

I’m a BM as well as an SM and, as hard as being a BM is (and my kid is still just a baby), it’s so much easier & better than being a SM. If I could have my DH sans his children I’d do it in a heartbeat. And they aren’t bad kids by any stretch, it just sucks dealing with someone’s past & ex all the time.

For example - I hate that we’ve got YEARS ahead of us before we’ll ever be able to just take a holiday without worrying about visitation schedules. Or, I dunno, take a holiday without his damned kids - period. Another woman will always have some sort of say over your home, even when you put up (what you think are) the strongest boundaries. It’s hard. There are many days I wish I’d made a different choice when we first met & held out for a guy without the baggage.

Im not saying leave him now, but really think before you get married if this is actually what you want for yourself. You don’t have to compromise in such a huge way, you really don’t. There’s a reason you’ve got a foot out the door girl, it’s because you know this isn’t what you really want. Listen to that foot!

I think your gut is telling

I think your gut is telling you something - listen to it.

My problem in this situation

My problem in this situation would be, for starters, that my partner hasn't been sober enough for long enough to make me feel safe and secure. I'd be proud of my partner for taking their health and life back into their own hands, but the damage done *before* having done that takes a long time - if ever - to heal.

Then let's examine the gypsy spirit. If you're a gypsy spirit, then being married to someone with responsibilities that legally tie them down to one place for the next 14 years should scare the sh*t out of you. Your BF is likely to never want to be too far away from his kids, and he won't want to be married to someone who is too far away from long periods of time. His mother will eventually get fed up with being the beck-and-call babysitter, and you'll eventually get fed up with having to live by a schedule.

Third, you need to think long and hard about the "what if's". What if BM dies or does something that makes BF the primary custodian of his kids? What if one of the kids starts having real problems that require your BF to devote a lot more time, money, and resources to his children? What if BM moves away and BF wants to follow so that he doesn't lose his kids? What if he gets caught in a big custody battle and drains your bank accounts, or his own so he can't do things with you? Some people are okay with these "what if" scenarios. Others are not. Either is okay.

I was 25 when I started dating my DH. I wanted to be a free spirit, too. No matter how much your BF doesn't have his kids or doesn't spoil them or whatever, your life with him will always be tethered. Not your life specifically, but the one you want *with him*. That seems anathema to what you actually want.

Ultimately, you have time to figure this all out. You also have options, like not getting married and keeping the relationship as is. But this is a man that you'll never be able to just whisk away at a moment's notice and keep away for as long as possible, both because he has kids and because he is in recovery and needs routine. He's going to need to be anchored more than most.

What if he falls off of the

What if he falls off of the wagon?

And I'm willing to bet that he WILL fall off. That's a YUGE part of why he's pushing OP to play Mommy. IMO...

Baggage

As you can see the man has a lot of baggage alcoholism, 2 kids, a ex and who knows what else will arise in the future. If you think you can just run around carefree. With someone who has 2 young kids that your in a relationship with and you both gonna be happy it ain't gonna happen.

Welcome to the site!

You are 25. He is an alcoholic with major anger issues, young children and some very controlling tendencies - ie trying to force you to be with his kids. I'm sorry, but this situation is anything but the PERFECT in capital letters that you suggest, and in your place I'd have to be downright crazy to remain in this situation. There are many potential partners out there for you, why not look for one without all this problematic baggage?

Just no.

When the kids get older

Your SO will want to do thing with them. Week at Disney, a cruise, Hawaii, what are you going to do then. Stay home? Not go. And remember have SK 24/7/365 Is one BM accident away

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