I agree with the statements above. However, I also believe that your fight is not with the SD, it's with your wife. She seems to agree with your reasoning, but switches her mode when she's face to face with SD. You need to work with your wife on this. Have you two tried counseling? That's the best way to get through the communication issues.

As for the bedroom issue, I don't think your stance is harsh. Heck, she's got a room of her own and doesn't even have to share. When I was growing up, I had to share with one of two sisters. That sucked. But the size of the room shouldn't be the issue. The issue is her lack of responsibility, due to her bio-parents' guilt parenting. Which again, needs to be worked out with your wife.

I've always thought of the older kis having bigger bedrooms because their stuff is bigger more then as a reward/punishment. What happens if sd starts doing awesome, going to boot the little one out because you have now set up which room someone has as a reward system? I don't think that was a wise idea on your part. Your wife does not sound like she is doing right by this child or working with you in your marriage. It seems like you are kinda stuck, leave and there is a good chance she will raise your kids exactly the same way. Are you still doing the counseling? Is she otherwise a good mom to the 4 you share and a good spouse to you?

Is there a room in between the smallest and the largest you could give her? A compromise? I agree with StepASide though, you don't want to lose your marriage over SD. If her mom fails to parent her, thats on her. If you fight this battle and lose your wife, you'll likely lose your kids too along with a good portion of your paycheck. And guess what? It still won't change the situation, it will only make it worse. Your kids will be the same as SD, then you might deal with them having a stepdad, giving them a stepmom if you ever get remarried, etc. Its a vicious cycle. Is SD really worth all that? Yes, demand she respect you and her siblings. But past that, leave her up to her mother. Can you really imagine not living with your kids? Try to step back. Let her handle her daughter and stay out of it! By you stepping in, she feels she has to defend her daughter. YOU are making her "rescue" her daughter. Don't give her the excuse.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

The older girl should get the bigger room. That's about the extent of taking HER side.

Your wife is making a HUGE mistake by letting this girl do whatever she wants. I can tell you this from experience. I have a 22 year old daughter who is so selfish, self-centered and has the biggest sense of entitlement I have ever seen. No matter how much you give these kids, they will keep wanting and never be satisfied.

My daugther is only nice when she is getting what she wants. She EXPECTS everyone to just keep DOING FOR HER. This is my fault. She now has a child herself and has another on the way which makes it very hard to just cut her off. But I have to tell you, as much as I love her, I don't like her. She is mean and disrespectful. She writes the nastiest things to me when she doesn't get her way. She has done terrible things to her own sister, and yet that same sister still bails her out.

Your wife is making a monster just as I did. This girl will constantly disappoint her and cause her emotional pain. She needs to get a rein on it NOW before she suffers the same heartache I do.

My FH might have written this a year ago, minus the dream house and the four little ones. I was a guilty parent to my now-14 year-old daughter.

Before FH moved in with us, I was a single mother playing both parenting roles to a child with special needs. I did great in the emotional support department but not so well in the area of discipline. I was working at a demanding job, going to school part-time, and doing my best with what we had. Her bio-jerk had a brief involvement in her life then left her when she was 7. She was already feeling rejected by her father.

FH has three children of his own. When he moved in with us, his kids demanded that he not be DD's "Dad". His reply was, "Of course I won't be her Dad, I already have children." This compounded her feelings of rejection.

So I didn't trust his ability to love my daughter. He hadn't disengaged from her... he had refused to engage in the first place. He couldn't provide her with a father's love, even a step-father's love, due to his own guilt and worry over how his own children would feel. This coloured every interaction with her until she could barely demonstrate civility to him. His words were formal and business-like. There was no emotional connection whatsoever. I demanded civility and manners from her in her interactions with FH. But that's all there was between them. Whether or not she took out the garbage was the least of my worries.

The stress this caused between FH and I was enormous. He (rightfully) had complaints about how poorly I disciplined her. I (rightfully) complained about his lack of emotional connection. I was simply exhausted from parenting alone, then having to defend my parenting to a man who obviously had no love for a child who needed a father. We almost split up many times because of my inability to parent her to his standards and his inability to accept her into his heart.

I could not accept his suggestions/demands for her discipline because I didn't trust that they were coming from a place of true caring and positive regard for her.

Then, a few months ago, she stopped eating and started cutting herself. She was hospitalized and diagnosed with mood and eating disorders. This crisis woke us up, as her parents, to her need for discipline and structure from me, and love and positive regard from him. He opened up to her, showed her his vulnerability, and told her he loves her. He apologized for not being able to connect with her in the past, and acknowledged the trauma inflicted on her by his "other" three children. Convinced that he actually loves her and cares for her, I was finally able to allow him to join me in parenting her, as a united front.

Now she has two parents who trust each other, agree on parenting methods, and love her unconditionally.

Do our dynamics sound at all familiar to you? Could it be that your wife feels alone in her parenting of your step-daughter and doesn't trust your feelings for her enough to respect your opinion? Do you love this child? If so, does your wife know it? More importantly, does your step-daughter know it?

The bedroom issue sounds petty and trite to me. Children don't have to "earn" bedrooms. Children earn priveleges. And children shouldn't have to earn love, affinity, and postive regard from the adults in their lives. I feel your pain because I witnessed it in my own soulmate. But we finally worked it out because we had no choice. My daughter, like your step-daughter, needs a father who loves her unconditionally, especially now that it means that he is able to help me with setting rules and consequences. I'm still the one who enforces them but I now trust that he is there for her wholeheartedly and loves her as one of his own.

And trust me, in a few years you'll want your teenaged step-daughter to have her own bathroom.

I can sympathize with your situation, fedup. My DH enforces different rules for our DS1 and DS3 than he does with SS17. Wait - let me rephrase that - DH enforces rules for our DS1 and DS3. He is a disneyland dad to SS17. However, SS17 lives with BM and it does no good to provide SS17 with responsibilities when BM will never cooperate with us as parents. It's a difficult situation which also caused me to disengage.

A common theme that I noticed in a few of the replies here, is that the stepparent gets labelled as mean when they try to enforce the house rules with skids. By engaging in arguments (with spouses or skids), we give them a face to target their anger. And the resentment grows in us because we will never win these arguments. But when we completely disengage (no dirty looks, no big heavy sigh, no complaining or tattling later on), then skids and their bioparent are forced to work out their issues on their own. Based on other posts I've read, this helps some bioparents to finally see the light when it comes to enforcing discipline with their kids. From a bioparent point of view, I'm sure it must be hard to be told by your spouse that you're doing a crappy job as a parent. As a SM, that was the message I was sending to DH when I tried to tell him how to do his job as a parent. Now that I've completely disengaged, DH can act like a man and take care of his own responsibilities and I can get rid of the resentment.

I personally think you should stand your ground about the room. Main reason, is because its a power struggle now and sd has manipulated your wife to be on her side about it. Make it clear again to your wife that nothing has changed in how sd is 'acting'. Its not unfair or cruel for the oldest to not get the biggest room. I faced this issue with my sd over the summer and she got huffy and puffy with her dad BIG TIME, threatened to not come around , which she is now doing. SHe wanted our masterbedroom for crying out loud and got pist that our child who lives iwth us 24/7/365 days....got a room! So my dh and i decided we gave her no room considering she is suppose to come EOW and shows up now once every 3 months. We created a space with divider for skids or any guest who came in our home instead. WEll that made her tizzy...but you know what...its not mean. Its based on how much they comeand their behaviour along with our family needs.
Fedup, i can understand your frustration. I can also understand people telling you to not be so rigid. BUt this room issue was agreed by your wife and for her to go back on her word when you already agreed makes her weak and shows that her daughter can control her.
You need to sit down with your wife. REcant all logically that you do love her , that you care for her daughter, that you guys agreed on this and also all expections were open and clear. Nothign is hidden. Your sd threatening on this topic will not change it. Ask her is throwing a marriage with 4 other kids involved over one room worth her daughters demands? Is it worth considering what she has done. Look at what happened over Thanksgiving in front of the entire family!!!!
I dont think you will lose your wife. Sit her down and make it clear, you care for sd but this is power thing and you must make a stand. A child cannot control the decision making of an adult. This girl needs to be put in her place yet again from what i see and the main issue now is not sd, but your wife. Discuss this in counciling.
I fought massive fights with my dh before and during the purchase of our home and i made it clear, that sd was not to have a room to herself entirely just based on her age. Rooms are based on how much time is spent in the home , attitude etc...etc...Her behaviour towards her dad was disgusting in the last year and i was not about to reward her even though i can see the guilt in my dh eyes. i stood my ground.
Its not cruel. If she doesn't merrit the room , she doesn't. Period.

Didn't read all the posts so sorry if I'm repetitious. I do wonder if she knew that the bedroom consequence was going to happen BEFORE it happened...and if the answer is yes, then don't flip flop. She thrives on that control and if all she has to do is pitch a fit and she can even control you then you're sliding down the slippery slope with both her and your wife. I'm one of many that are in your shoes here and this stuff simply just does not get better unless both parents can come to a mutual understanding and follow through. When there are other children in the home, disengagement is an illusion IMO...partial is possible but complete is just play pretend. The behavior and rules in the home affect each and every person in the family UNIT...no matter who pretends not to notice or care. I don't know how you feel about your wife at this point, I still feel love for my husband that makes me want to stay married to him, but I know that is fragile at this point due to the SD situation. What the enabling parent doesn't seem to understand is that the taking sides against your spouse can be understood on a psychological level but the emotional toll is taken nonetheless (it feels like betrayal to me). It will erode the emotional bond of your marriage, of which the foundation should be trust. Personally, I understand what everyone is saying and you would be risking having your other children grow up with the guilty parenting syndrome too...but I don't think that is what is going to keep you married realistically. No epiphany here....just a point of view from someone walking the same path as you right now.

From fedup's previous posts, YEs sd was made very aware who gets what room and why. She pulled a hairy and now his wife is backpeddling from guilt i guess or manipulation from sd for sure. This is why i gave the advice to stand strong for both of them. Wife needs to own up to the fact she agreed and for the reasons the decision was made was valid. Sd attitude or behaviour has not merrited her use of a big room and her threats now only prove that she honestly should not have it to make her understand threats do not go anywhere and that she has no control over adult decisions.

OK, so SD was warned so that she could have tried to correct the behavior. So...it wasn't just "OK we're going to buy a new house and since you have always been a pig you will be losing the big room"?...I totally support enforcing consquences that are laid out clearly and the child has ample opportunity to earn them. I am just not sure it's fair to watch her be a slob and get away with it for years and then suddenly give a major consequence that wasn't previously mentioned...that's all

If you continue to let this child control you by giving in on the room she will always control you and if your wife is going to leave you over a bedroom whats the next thing. Stand your ground now or you are going to forever be threatened and manipulated by this child. children of divorce do this. Some need the extra attention and love but I've found most children of divorce become self centered manipulators unless their parental unit stops that.

I actually think a little differently about this. I feel you'd be missing an opportunity to educate both your SD and your wife if you remain completely inflexible on this.

I would sit down with your wife and draw up a contract. In it, you stipulate that your SD will have the biggest room for a period of (X, say one or two months). During that time, she will prove that she "deserves" the room by "earning" it with behavior. You stipulate the behaviors you do and do not want to see, in black and white, on the contract. You state that, at the end of the period, if she has "earned" it, she may stay in the room for a period of X (say, three to six months), at which time there will be a re-evaluation of her behavior. If she is found to have not held up her end of the contract, she will lose the room.

Then you sit SD down, with your wife, and explain the contract to her. Then ALL THREE of you sign it. Your wife signs it as well -- so that she can't reneg on the agreement at the end of the probationary period.

This gives everyone some of what they want: you, some behavior modification on the part of SD and some ability to "punish" bad behavior. Your wife, some flexibility on your part, and SD, the bedroom. This arrangement allows for some possible improvement in all of your lives -- and the ability to have SD understand the reasons for punishment and have to admit responsibility if she ends up losing the room.

If, on the other hand, you dig in your heels and refuse to budge on this, you have no possibility of anything being gained -- and also you will quite possibly lose your marriage over it.

To me, the choice seems clear.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I understand where you are coming from and wonder why it is always you who has to stand up and act like and adult when all of the adults around you (BM, BD) are acting like complete children themselves. This must surely take it's toll on you and I can understand why you feel the way you do. I think if you go back on the decision now to change rooms it could be more damaging because it will show they will always get their way if they act up. Maybe a compromise... as in a way to share the bathroom so SD feels it is hers too. It is your dream house afterall and you provide for your family and you should be able to go with your gut feel about how things should be. BM and BD are probably pushing you to be a part of their game (which they only have to feed their guilt) and you don't own that. Stick by your guns but talk to your wife and try to get onto the same team again.. whilst you are opposing each other things will never work out. I am sick of the way everyone acts out of guilt with my ss too and I know I have all of this (what you are going through) is all to come. Hopefully you can save your marriage so your kids don't have to go through a break up too. I think your wife really needs to know the reality of what you are feeling.

"there is room to work around this issue but it started with my wife saying, I'm sorry that I put you in this position and I know I am wrong for not supporting you and sticking to our agreement about the bedroom situation."

That's AWESOME, FUSD! I'm so glad your wife has seen the light a little on this. I'm also glad my idea about the contract will help you.

Please blog again about the contract and how your SD and wife react to it. I'm really happy for you that you and your wife seem to be on the same "team" about this.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved