It really depends on the people involved.  At one end of the spectrum you have people like my brother and his exW, who have dinner with each other's families and get along fine.  At the other end you have most of the members of StepTalk who don't.  

My DH told me when we started dating, 16 yrs ago, that he and the BM had an amicable divorce - it might have been until I came along, but I never knew it to be.  I went through absolute hell for the best part of a decade, with a hostile BM and difficult kids, who spent every other weekend with us.  My life only changed for the better when this stopped.  My advice is to read a large selection of posts here, and don't give up your own accommodation to live with your partner immediately, until you get the lie of the land.   Ease into it gradually and leave yourself an escape route, should you need it.  Good luck!  

Most of us on ST are here because it is not working and it is much more difficult that we thought it would be.

How it starts usually ends up very different to how it is now and what brings us here. It's not really that men intend to mislead us about the kids or BM, just that they want to be optimistic and underestimate the ability of BM's to go fully Toxic when they are no longer the woman in control and the kids to want to please BM and feel jealous of any attention he gives to anyone else (you). They want to show their allegiance to BM and so feel they have to hate you to please her, she supports this and it becomes impossible to have a reasonable relationship with them.

Of course, this is not always the case, Like Kes said there ARE people who manage it but I think that is because the BM involved is clever enough to realise that life is easier without all the trouble and nastiness and actually wants to put her kids feelings and happiness before her own.

I really think most of it depends on the BM. There is also the fact of how the children have been raised. People's style of parenting can be very different and when there is a clash of expectations then it leads to a lot of resentment and conflict.

Its not about how it feels to be a step mom but the challenges that come with it,you can never think of them  until you are going thru it. Its not about how it feels to be a step mom but how YOU feel about becoming one. You know your relationship with the future step kids, do you think you can love them, tolerate their behaviour and do they respect you, are they properly disciplined and able to do house chores and other things for themselves or they are to have everything done for them? What about the future husband? Is he over protective of his children, will he let you parent and discipline them as you see fit or he will misjudge you and call you hateful and abusive and make excuses for his children? Do you think he can put you first or his kids will always come first? What about the bio mom, how do you feel about having to deal with her for the rest of your marriage? Is she a drama queen or she is civilized and causes no trouble?

Have you thought of having your own kids, how many? Is the future husband going to be able to support all these children or it will be a financial strain? Have you thought of the fact that soon after saying i do you become a mother of two and facing the parenting problems before taking time off to enjoy your marriage, you run straight into challenges? Will the hubby hire a house help to wash, cook and clean up after his kids? if not are you okay with the extra responsibilites of doing all that for your husband plus his two kids?

How do you feel about not having a honey moon phase? I mean most newly weds have time alone for at least a year or two before bringing kids into the picture, they focus only on the two of them, going out having fun just enjoying being married, having privacy in the house, no divided attention or loyalties. Dont you want to have your hubby all to yourself for a while? Spice up your sex life and have sex anywhere in the house be it the kitchen, living room, bathroom? Dont you want to be free to wear whatever you want for your hubby be it lingerie and heels when he walks through the door or walk around naked?

if you are living with kids you can forget about privacy, freedom and say hello to extra responsibilites, limits, restrictions and boundaries and that just sukcs out all the fun in a marriage. if you cant have fun and complete freedom and privacy at the beginning of the marriage but challenges and restrictions then the marriage is doomed to fail. Its very important to have time alone with your husband that's how you grow in love, bond and create memories and a bond that will stand the test of time but if right from the beginning you are faced with challenges limits, restrictions, it will frustrate you and bring out the worst in you and you will fight and argue then when you are asking yourself if the marriage is worth fighting for, you will look back and remember no good times but just challenges right from the start.

You are asking questions any potential SM should be asking.  But, I’m not sure anyone here has the answers you are looking for.  It is not because this is a site “where SPs come to vent,” and it is not because, as some like to claim, we are bitter or angry or jealous or just don’t get it.  It is because there is really no way to guarantee your success as a SM, period.  But, I can say: Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = Step Hell.

There are just too many extenuating factors to take into consideration, and much of the advice out there for SMs is based on long-held presumptions and assumptions, and much of it is based on what largely non-SMs think should work vs. what actually may.   Very few, even amongst professionals, take into consideration SM’s main role as dad’s wife or SO and instead seem to only want to focus on the “mom” part of SM.  Because of this, for years and years SMs have been looked at almost solely as competitors to mom or competitors to SKs for dad’s attention, and SMs have traditionally been treated abrasively and judged harshly because of it.  The reality is, most SMs just want to be dad’s wife or SO, and welcoming to the children.

I’ve been a SM for over 15 years now, and I still can’t really help you with your questions.  What I can tell you is that as a SM, or even potential SM, you need to do what works for you, because there is so much bad or contradictory advise out there, it is unbelievable.  What works in one step-situation might not work in another, because there may be a huge difference in the many factors that go into making a step-situation work.  I often even refer to SP’ing as a crazy backwards world, because things that no woman or wife would be expected to take in an initial family situation, for some reason a SM is expected to take and with no questions asked.  Dad wants to sleep with his 13-year-old daughter in an initial family—"gasp! No way!”  Dad wants to sleep with his 13-year-old daughter in a step-family situation—"oh, poor thing! She needs her father.”  This is just one example. 

Follow your instincts.  If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.  Look out for yourself.  Most people will probably tell you something like, “Just be nice to the kids, and it will all work out,” or something similarly sappy.  It sounds like common sense, and I would have thought the same before I became a SP, but that’s another thing. . . a lot of what sounds like common sense doesn’t work in step-world.  There are studies that show that the nicer a SM is, the more the kids may actually start to despise her, because their loyalties are to mom, and they’ll just automatically look at SM as competition for mom.  This is especially if BM encourages them to think such, which certainly can occur.  There is no way you can change anyone’s mind in this situation.  You can’t control BM; nor should you be expected to.  This is where you need a STRONG DH.  He needs to put his foot down from day one that you are his SO and his children are to treat you as dad’s SO, and not as mom’s competition.  Sounds simple enough, but so many divorced men with children fail on this one it is unbelievable.

Too many of these men wind up treating their wife or SO like a child and their child more like a wife.  Even little things like letting his son or daughter sit in the front seat next to him all the time while you’re in the back, will send the message loud and clear to the kids that they are dad’s significant other and not you.  Children deserve to have all the love in the world, but they are not SOs and they are not wives.  You combine a lot of these SM in the back type situations, along with guilty dad syndrome and BM’s PAS’ing, and next thing you know, you start to feel like the servant they are treating you as, and then when you go to one of your still-married friends to complain, she tells you that you need to understand more and give them space and not put your DH in the middle.  In reality, not only are YOU the one being put in the middle, but you are also being put in the middle of someone else’s divorce fallout.  There is no way you can correct this.  Only your DH can.

Not trying to sound sour, but trying to get you to see that there is no way you should settle for being sloppy seconds just because your DH has children from a previous relationship.  If you feel like you are being the family servant or scapegoat or can never do anything right, or everyone is telling you you need to suck it up for the initial family, these are all signs that your DH is letting you take the fall.  One might expect that of BM or even SKs, but very few women ever expect that once they get heavily involved with or marry their DH, that he could so easily shrug his shoulders and let you take the fall in reference to his family pretty much every time.  SO, the only advice I can really give you, is make sure you have a strong and true and tried DH before you ever marry him.  You’ll need at least that.  

For me it is like giving your heart to a child and wanting everything in the world for him that you would want for your own children-- then realizing that as long as his shitty mother is in the picture everything you do will be undone, every dream will lead to nothing because BM is in the pedestal, and anything that you give to him really only benefits BM. 

It is this cycle of never-ending heart break... but I would do it over and over X100. I love my stepsons like they are my own children and refuse to give up on them. Even though I have no rights, no say, no nothing... They are mine. 

LIke a sea of choas and emotion. There are some awesome moments, I love my skids to bits and my DH is my soulmate. But there are days I really just want to scream and throw some punches, and other days I want to curl up and just cry. Sometimes both at the same time.

It feels like false expectations and some dead dreams. Because no one dreams about being a step-parent, and no one dreams of the psycho ex being involved, of some woman trying to have pull in your household while you laugh and slam the door in her smug face... (but you also can't do that, because you have to be diplomatic to avoid your DH hitting fallout).

Basically it's like being a diplomat and having occasional contact with a hostile country, all while avoiding the urge to just bomb the s*** out of the hostile country already. And then struggling with that decision and knowing you can't do it, but you want to, because crazy people are a menace to society.

The Psycho is also abusive and neglectful though and high conflict... Each situation is different. Home life is good, but her weekend, day before clear to two days after, normally suck.

Read all the horror stories on this site.

I list only one feeling that is all encompassing. It feels shitty.

I disagree about the BM, in-laws, etc. 

My BM is mostly fine. She asked for money a lot (still asks, sometimes, even though all kids are 18 and up now!) But she was never crazy or jealous...she was glad her kids liked me. She's, in general, an undisciplined, chaotic person who seems to have very little common sense...which is annoying when her mistakes become your problem...but I wouldn't describer her as toxic. 

Same with in-laws. We've had our ups and downs, but in general they accepted me (now they absolutey love me) and have been good to me. 

Skids, also, were never nightmares. They had annoying habits like all kids do...and I thought they were a bit coddled and catered to when I first came into their lives...in ways that I think weren't good for them. I didn't absolutely love their personalities...they were just kind of Meh to me. OSD went through a dark phase where she was intolerable, but she grew out of it, and the other two have been mostly good. Oh...and my DH generally listens to me, takes my concerns seriously, and tries to prioritize our marriage (that wasn't really the case early on...or, at least, I didn't feel that it was...and I think I still have PTSD from the first 3 years of our marriage). 

Even with all of these elements for success in my corner, I have STILL found it incredibly difficult (emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically, and financially) to be a stepmom.

It's a roller-coaster. My feelings literally change from minute to minute sometimes. I feel anxious and stressed at the thought of skids coming over- and then they come, and it's mostly fine. Sometimes it's enjoyable to be with them- Other times, they are driving me crazy and I feel like I just need to be away from them. It's a contradiction and makes no sense, but I know others feel that way also.

I never wanted to be a mother- I'm not much of a kids person, but for some reason I thought my ideal scenario would be to end up with someone who had kids, because I could see loving someone else's kids. I do care about them, and I love SD9. I care about SS12, but the fact is, if I never saw him again, I wouldn't be upset. That sounds terrible, but it's true. If you can get to the point of loving skids like your own, that is great. But it's very hard to get there. Being a SM is really hard. I feel like you know what you need to do, based on your posts. It will be harder than you are imagining.

It depends.... Are the kids fairly well behaved?  Do you like them? Do you get along with them?  Does their dad parent them effectively and does BM butt out of the business of his household for the most part?

What does their father expect of you?  Does he want you to care and mother his children..love them as if they are your own?  Does he have full or part custody?  A large Child support obligation?  All of those things can factor into how frustrating your experience can be. 

Plus, just getting married can sometimes turn semi-civil relatinship with the kids or his EX into more difficult and drama filled situations.

Is it all bad? no.  I have a great relationship with one of my SD's.. and a good relationship with the other.  We had our frustrations over time (both adults and independent now)... and the EX caused her fair share of drama and stress.  There is also the natural stress and mess that come from having extra people in your home.. you lose privacy.. your DH has obligations to other people.

And also, do you want or have kids?  Will the fact that he has already had kids with another woman mean he won't want more?  Will he expect you to care and raise his kids while he steps back?  Do you want to take an active role in their care? 

The bottom line is you can do everything right and things still can go wrong.  The kids will always ultimately have allegiance to their bio mother...and in the end that can hurt your feelings.  You will likely get little thanks from the kids for anything you do (did you thank your parents every time they drove you to soccer practice etc?).  Their mom certainly won't like it if they care about you... and won't thankyou for all you will do for them.  It can be frustrating and complicated.... but it also can be enriching and fun.. and if you marry the right person it can be great... in spite of the bumps.

As noted above, it CLEARLY depends on the bio parents of the child. The foundation is either healthy for a great outcome or it is not.

What is it like to be a step parent? Well that depends on whether or not the x is mentally healthy or not. 

Sit back and be very VERY observant of all persons involved in the childs life. Especially the  x and his/her family. Most terrible situations are generational in nature. 

Being a step parent can be very easy but only if the x wants it to be.  

I was dealing with my husbands ex who is a nightmare and basically badmouthed me to the kids from the start. I really had no chance with sd17 and she has gone to live with her mom. bio mom is also bipolar unmedicated. When you have a bio parent consistantly feeding their children who live with you hatred, who do you think they will believe. My other sd is a teen mom who is a decent person but was ignored by biomom when she was little. I kind of wonder if she ended up pregnant because she was looking to replace that love. I heard all of the statements such as "I hate you" and "youre not my mom" several times over. Some days, I would cry and wish I hadn't married my dh. But i do love him and while i would say things still are not smooth 100 percent, it's really just more coping skills right now and sometimes I jsut look the other way because I really don't want the drama of what I went through with first sd. On the other hand as far as bio mom goes, I secretly count down the days when sd16 reaches the right age and I can go punch bio mom in the face. I am not a violent person but she has it coming to her after all the crap she has pulled over the years and I don't have even a parking ticket so i figure a night in jail at most. My husband used to say, hold on to the positive things and look at all the positives. Over the past 3 years those got more and more sporadic as sd17's behavior escalated. I found myself becoming bitter . I walked around with a target on my back and she was manipulative enough to act like nothing was wrong when dh was home. when he wasn't she was completely ignorant to me to the point that the other kids were stressed out. When I tried to tell him, he became defensive. Thats' when I gave up and decided there was no way I would ever win in that situation . so then i started letting him handle her. then she went to her moms so I think that pretty much proves on it's own that it was her goal to begin with.