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Not sure I can do this

evilstepmom82's picture

Submitted by evilstepmom82 on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 3:47am

My boyfriend and I aren't married. I moved out of state to be with him about a year ago.  I have a 14 year old son and he has a 7 year old son. His 7 year old has behavior issues and is one of the most difficult children I have dealt with.  Because of my profession I have dealt with hundreds.  

To give some background my SS's mother was never in a  relationship with my boyfriend. She said she was on birth control but was not.. She had a 2 night stand with my boyfriend and as a result got pregnant with my SS.  From the stories I have been told this is what she does to try to collect child support and my SS is her 3rd child with 3 different dads.  I've only interacted with her a few times and I won't go into detail but she borders on pshycotic. My boyfriend has primary custody and she gets my SS one night a week. Grandma also takes him 1 or 2 nights a week to give us a break which is wonderful.  

Some behavior issues that drive my to the brink of insanity are below:

1. He has to be told everything more than once. For example asking 6 time to put shoes on. My boyfriend always says he is just a space cadet. 

2. You have to tell him every step of everything....the same things everyday. Get a spoon to eat.... He could not dress himself. I have worked with him and he's gotten better but still at about a 4 year olds level. 

3. He will throw food everywhere when he eats and not even try to be neat.  

4. He won't clean up and wipe himself when he uses the toilet.  Grandma still puts him in pull ups at night and gives him a sippy cup. I think this is part of why he is so delayed at almost 8.

5. He had several (like 20) physical incidents at school. Hitting other kids. Refusing to do work in class.

6. He'll give my dirty looks and has flipped me off.  

7. He has said his mom has told him to behave badly on purpose. 

8. He said he behaves badly on purpose for attention. And because he likes to "mess with " people 

9. He has no friends...because of how he treats other kids.  The kids in our neighborhood run away from him... It's sad really. 

I jumped into trying to be a Mom to him with both feet and it is one of the hardest and most thankless jobs I have had.  

Recently my boyfriend has made it even more difficult.  He will rarely correct his sons behavior.  So I feel I have to for my SS 'S benefit.

Then all of the sudden I'm the bad guy.  My boyfriend said I pick on his son for every  little thing. He says I'm right most of the time and he knows his sons difficult. but... The constant discipline is naggy and making him nuts and he doesn't want to hear it.  

He'll often takes my SS side. As an example I tell my SS to chew with his mouth closed and the boyfriend will say "big deal if he chews with his moth open" so I get no reinforcement. It then turns into an arrgument. I tell him that if he would discipline his son I could be less naggy.  He says he has tried to discipline him for 8 years and he is who he is and won't change.  He tells me again that he doesn't want the fighting between me and his son.  And that I am uptight and to let  more go or only bust him on the "big" stuff.

My boyfriend said the constant nagging is pushing him away and making him love me less. I asked if maybe it is best if  I move out. My boyfriend response was if it brings peace fine.   

I love my boyfriend very much and don't want to lose him.  But I also think that allowing a child to run rough shot isn't right.  I find my self dreading when the 7 year old walks in the room.  I find myself resentful of my boyfriend for not trying to fix his son's behavior.  I find myself resenting when my boyfriend gives his son affection right after he behaved badly. None of these feelings are good. 

...

I thought I could easily handle a 7 year old.  Now I'm not so sure. My choices are keep doing What I'm doing and being a nag until my boyfriend dumps me, move out/run from the kid, or just keep my mouth shut and not discipline his son at all or very little.  My boyfriend had said he doesn't need my help to raise his son.  But I feel like when you all love under the same roof that's part of the deal. I can't believe a child has this much control over my life and am at a loss of what to do.  

 

 

Comments

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 5:17am

I'm not sure how your BF can claim to have tried to enforce discipline for 8 yrs if his son is only 7?   In any case, he obviously sucks at setting any sort of rules or boundaries for the child, who appears to be growing up to be an anti social monster with no personal or interpersonal skills who will almost certainly fail in school because of this, and then fail as an adult as well. 

I think in your position I would be forming an exit plan, because things are not going to get any better, and with your BF's complete backing, his son is just going to get worse and worse.   I personally could not stand living with such a pair as these.  

Letti.R's picture

Submitted by Letti.R on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 5:21am

All issues aside, the issue should not be whether you CAN do this, because obviously you CAN adapt.
The question you need to ask yourself is do you WANT to be subjected to this - and WHY.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 5:24am

He is not parenting his DS.  There most likely something wrong with SS.  Your SO is not getting him the help he needs. But makes excuses for him.  These are major RED FLAGS   Your SO May never change. He is not going to change with out professional help.  

I think you seriously have to take a look at this relationship.  Is it worth putting up with this.  This kid is only going to get worst as he gets older. This kid may never live on his own.  Something can happen to your MIL and you will have him 24/7/365 for the rest of your life.

evilstepmom82's picture

Submitted by evilstepmom82 on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 3:20pm

I agree with the red flags.  I have suggested that he has ADD and needs counseling for these issues. I even found counselors that will see children.   I was met with "the family doesn't believe in therapy" and it's too expensive...and that he gets extra help at school.... Ughh

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 9:40pm

I was going to suggest ADHD - he sounds like my ODS in some ways that has it. Medication and other lifestyle changes/supplements make a big difference so it's too bad neither of his parents are looking into it since he could be helped if he has something like that going on. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 6:00am

Why would you do this to yourself? You can't be a parent to this kid if his actual parent is going to undermine you.  Find a guy who wants to parent his own kids (yes, they exist, I have one).

Move out and move on. He's not the right guy for you.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 6:58am

which is screaming at you to get the HELL out of this situation.  Humans are the only species that ignore their instincts to their detriment.   Unless you have severe masochistic tendencies and enjoy:

1. being despised by ALL parties (including SO)

2. providing free maid, laundress, secretarial, nanny, chauffer, sex on demand, paralegal, financial backing for SO and skid

3. having CPS called on you by the BM

4. many decades of misery and depression-caused/heightened illnesses such as high blood pressure, anxiety, panic attacks, heart disease, asthma, osteo issues.

...then by all means continue to jam a square peg into a round hole.

Sooooo many red flags that everyone is flying in your face!!

RUN LITERALLY FOR YOUR LIFE!!  Find a nice child-free partner!!!!!!!!

#sonotworthit

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 8:55am

Your BF has a history of irresponsible behavior in regards to his son, starting with the night his SS was conceived. BM may not have been on BC, but your BF wasn't doing enough, either, to prevent conception from happening.

Your SS sounds like she suffers from ADD (not focused, having to be asked to do things multiple times, having to break down simple tasks by steps) or ODD (fighting with kids). Or both. If BM truly suffers from a mental health disorder, then it's possible that SS suffers as well, and his lack of real parenting from ANY of his bio family is causing it to manifest at what seems like a young age.

Or, this is the sign of just an unparented kid. So my question to you is, what about your BF is so appealing that you're okay with him either ignoring his son's health issues (you'd likely call CPS and run for the hills if your BF were ignoring cancer or a broken bone) or parenting him so poorly that the kid is developmentally delayed? What makes a man who is PURPOSEFULLY hurting his son through negligence appealing? He has full authority over his son and CHOOSES to allow the kid to suffer versus do the hard work to actually raise him.

If you want to stay, you already know that what you have experienced is what you'll continue to experience. Your BF doesn't care that his son is hurting, and he doesn't care that his son's actions and behaviors hurt you and others. If he did, he'd put a stop to it. It's not that you aren't cut out to be a SP; it's that your BF isn't cut out to be a parent OR partner. He has a lot of maturing to do in order to provide actual partnership to another human being.

Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship. He wants you to leave it if will bring him peace. Take him up on his offer. If you still feel the need to date, you can do it from separate homes on SS's nights with BM and GM.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Sun, 07/14/2019 - 12:02pm

"I asked if maybe it is best if  I move out. My boyfriend response was if it brings peace fine."   

He's told you to leave! Go and find peace for yourself!