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Update on BM passing

evilsm's picture

Submitted by evilsm on Thu, 04/07/2011 - 12:10pm

When I arrived home last night Sd was at practice so Dh and I had a few minutes alone. We talked about our day and I asked if he had talked to a counselor at the school or anyone regarding Sd. Of course he had not and didn't want to talk to me about it as I had expected. He also told me that Sd came to him and asked him NOT to take her to a counselor or psychiatrist. ???? Where did that come from? I said fine, do as you please.

Sd came home friend in tow shortly after in a bouncy happy mood like any other day, really more happy than most days. As Dh was feeding them dinner I overheard him discussing the plans for BMs funeral services. It sounded like they were making plans to go to dinner or something, the tone of the conversation was like a drill:

DH - bla bla are plans for services for your mom
SD - Where
DH - place of services...etc
SD - When? Can I go to school that day? I have made plans for the weekend with friends.
DH - You probably should stay home that day
SD - No I want to go to school, do I have to dress up for this? Is it outside? why?

At this point I just couldn't stand it anymore, it was like they were talking about an estranged elderly relative or something. I made excuses to leave for something from the store and sat in the parking lot and cried. I know people deal with death and grief in different ways but damn! Also SD had many posts from friends and family on her FB page sending thier condolences but I noticed that she had deleted them all. I could not stand to look at the kid when I got home, my heart was just burning.

DH called earlier and said he contacted the school and spoke with one of the counselors there and they said they would let the teachers know and keep an eye on her. At least he did that. *sigh* I know the shock to DH will wear off very quickly and this will all be just a bad dream and everything will be back to normal. Dh will again shove his head in the sand and continue to allow his child to raise herself as she sees fit. People just don't change. My hope for me is to stay as distant from it as possible so that I can continue to love my husband; wish me luck.

I wanted to add that I am very happy to be back here; most people that are not in a blended family situation do not understand the complexities of emotions involved. I am a private person and do not like my business all over town so I talk to very few close friends about my situation. Again I am just grateful to be here to share in anonymity. Much love to ST.

~Evil

Comments

evilsm's picture

Submitted by evilsm on Thu, 04/07/2011 - 12:45pm

Unfortunatly not much has changed, I have been disengaging for a long time. I have tried a couple of times to open her up in conversation like I would with my own BD and it lasts until the other mother part comes out and I don't agree with her or DH about something, the we are back a square one. Dh has spiraled further into guilt/ambiguous parenting; he can do everything for her; make her plate (and cut her food), clean up after her, do her laundry and basically wipe her butt however real parenting never enters the picture. He called to give me more detail on services a little while ago but said SD would not be attending anything other than graveside services. I want to puke.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Thu, 04/07/2011 - 8:14pm

Oh I'm so sorry. I would have cried too. To make light of such a horrible thing. How can you feel any respect for someone who does that?

evilsm's picture

Submitted by evilsm on Thu, 04/07/2011 - 1:17pm

Thanks for not making me feel worse about this VM. There is a lot to this story and I would be writing for months to fill in all the cracks that has brought me to where I am in my feelings. It seems that when BM was able to buy things for Sd she would go visit but if that was not available she stayed away. She told DH days ago that she wanted to go to BMs bank and withdraw money out of a savings acct that BM had for her but did not want to visit her any more. Dh told me that BM left Sd her best jewelry (her ex was a jeweler) and her new car. Sd was very excited about that.

I have to seperate myself from this or I will end up hating them both.

~Evil

iwishyouwould's picture

Submitted by iwishyouwould on Thu, 04/07/2011 - 10:10pm

It could just be that she is fine right now but a month from now she will break down and sob inconsolably for a week straight. Just see how it plays out. I know my first reaction when someone close to me has died is dead-pan zero emotion and then a few hours or days later when it sinks in i start grieving. Only a true, pathological sociopath would not care about a parents death. Just give her some time.