It's been a long, long time but I need to put this out somewhere....
BM died last night. This is a sad, sad story but well worth the read if you have the time. I will condense as much as possible.
DH and I have been married/together 10+ years, SD15 has older siblings (29, 37, 38, 21) three on her mothers side and one on fathers. BM has been sick for many years with an uncurable illness; in the past 4 years we have had SD full time because she did not want to stay with BM (custody orders were 50/50). DH and BM had a terrible relationship and both harbored hatred toward each other and volleyed for SD for years. As BM became less mobile SD saw her less and less to the point that she would not see or call her for weeks on end. I watched as BM vacillated between being angry with SD and pushing for visits to not even trying to see her, it was hard to watch. DH did nothing.
I disengaged years ago after figuring out that trying to parent someone who does not want to be parented without the support of the actual parent(s) is impossible. This past year BM has been on a physical decline; she was in and out of hospitals and assisted living facilities for months. SDs siblings (BM's side) would come occasionally and pick SD up and take her to visit but that was a hit and miss type of thing. One month ago the family learned that it was only a matter of time before BM would loose her battle and pass on; SD has only seen her twice since then.
I am so sad; I am sad that BM died without having a relationship with her child. I am angry that DH did nothing to help the situation at all. I am concerned that SD will regret how this ended and is not facing the reality of this situation at all. She got up like normal and went to school today. My DH did not even call the school to let them know what was going on if SD did reach out to someone. I had suggested he contact a counselor to help SD through this a few weeks ago when we knew the end was near but he has not.
I know if I push DH he will resist; if I try to step in he will block. I have lost so much respect for my husband with this situation. I don't know what to do. What would you do?
I will say that through this experience I have learned two very important lessons:
1) There are two sides to every story.
2) Be careful what you wish for.
~Evil
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Oh Evil... what a sad
Oh Evil... what a sad story... Thank you for sharing and for the wise words of wisdom. It just is so sad..
Evil, good to hear from you
Evil, good to hear from you again. And sorry it had to be under these circumstances. Really the skids lose out when the bioparents are at war.
Thanks VM; it sure is nice to
Thanks VM; it sure is nice to see a familiar name.
As far as going forward or making any changes.....I believe that the only person in this situation I can change is myself. I may voice my opinion to Dh or Sd from time to time but my best bet, if I want to stay married, is to let Dh make his decisions right and wrong with his child.
HA! :jawdrop: We'll see how that goes, who am I fooling?
I will post more on another thread. Last night was bazaar to say the least.
~Evil
Wow... "I will say that
Wow...
"I will say that through this experience I have learned two very important lessons:
1) There are two sides to every story.
2) Be careful what you wish for. "
I agree...sending my prayers for your family...
Hi Evil, I'm not on this
Hi Evil,
I'm not on this board much anymore, but your post defnitiely caught my eye (to say the least).
I guess you already have the answer- you can only ever change yourself. SD is still very immature. She's probably incredibly angry at her mother- angry at her for gettiinng sick in the first place, and for everything else that followed thereafter. I know you feel incredibly sad for her. She definitely needs counseling, but it cannot be forced, just REINFORCED. And encouraged.
Unfortunately, this is where DH comes in and he, too, is carrying some deeply buried emotions. I think he needs to talk to a counselor as well.
It looks like you are doing all the "feeling" for this family right now. I would suggest you try your best to take a break from it- it's going to overwhelm you to feel for everyone.
Take care of "you" for a while. I will be praying for you all!
I think you are right. I am
I think you are right. I am the only one that seems to be affected by this womans passing. I guess all involved will meet with their emotions in their own time. I think because I am a mother and feel so close to my own children and parents that it is hard to imagine loosing one of those relationships. I know BM had many problems but she loved her child with all that she had and now that is forever gone. I can't help having feelings about that. Thanks now4teens, I do think you are right.
~Evil
You are most welcome. I can
You are most welcome. I can appreciate what you are going through (in a way) because I am also a "deeply-feeling" person. Sometimes this gets me into trouble because I do not understand how others do not (or cannot) possibly process a situation which I "feel" calls for deeply felt emotions.
But then I have to step back and remind mindself that it is not for me to judge how others should feel. It is for each person, in his or her own time line, and in HOW they choose to deal with it. This perspective saves me a great deal of stress in the end.
Stay well.
Oh I am sorry to hear this.
Oh I am sorry to hear this. How old is the SD? It is very sad.
I know my mom has alzheimers and has not recognized any of us for years, and so my siblings won't go to see her because 'she won't know if they go or not'.???? Are you f'ing kidding me??? I have lost all respect for them and so I really avoid seeing them since they feel this way.
I am sorry and think that yes, this will hit SD at some point and she may reach out to you. I am proud that at least YOU see the importance of this event, and are trying to help.