Just need to vent
I’m high risk pregnant, currently on pelvic rest and am doing bed rest. I have a short cervix and have had some contractions.
My boyfriend and I have gotten into another fight. I’ve been on bed rest for 6 weeks and I’m the beginning, my boyfriend said that he would take her out on walks every day to make sure she gets some sun. The only time he has taken her outside is when he has his daughter. My daughter is special needs, with a weak immune system, lung disease and kidney disease so she can’t be in school.
Our fight was because he got mad that he “ignored his daughter for mine this weekend” when he took the girls to the park. I went too and we were only there for 45 minutes, but of course I had to sit the whole time. My daughter has slight weakness in her left leg so I asked him to watch her carefully, because I didn’t want her falling of the play ground equipment.
His daughter kept guilting him to play with him and trying to get him to leave my daughter alone, I had to stand up and go over to him multiple times and remind him to pay attention to my child, I even ran over to her a few times to ensure her safety.
While I understand that he needs time with his child, I told him because we left that he would need to focus on my daughter while there because I could, he still insist we go. Other than that 45 minutes, he didn’t focus on my daughter.
Anyways, his daughter knows that I’m high risk and pregnant, and when he dad was outside smoking, he asks me to play with her. I kindly told her I’m sorry honey, but I’m unable to, I just have to lay here. She then started whining like a puppy. I told her if I get up and play with you, I could end up hurting the baby, again she whined, I finally said, do you want to hurt your brother and I got scolded for “being mean”.
Anyways, I asked my boyfriend to help brush my daughters teeth, her dad was suppose to come and give her a shower and brush her teeth but he bailed and so I ended up giving her a shower and picking up all her toys, which took a lot out of me, I felt extreme pressure for about an hour and knew that I needed to rest, so I asked my boyfriend to brush her teeth. He said no, that sounds stressful. So I ended up having to (she hates her teeth brush) and then I had to put her pjs on that I asked him to put on and do her asthma treatments (she also hates that).
Anyways, we ended up fighting because he thinks that he spent his whole weekend focused on my child instead of his and always puts my child first, to which I reminded him that the only time he focuses on my daughter is when he has his child, other than that, he only focuses on himself.
The worst part is three times he has walked away with me talking, either to go upstairs or smoke, because he knows I can’t follow him but he’ll come back to snap at me somemore before he leaves
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So my only question is why
So my only question is why are you with this man? Why are you having his baby? He is a jerk and he isn't going to get any better. If he can't tell that a special needs child needs more attention than an average child or that he need to step up and help you on bedrest... he is a special kind of stupid.
If Biodad has a pattern of
If Biodad has a pattern of bailing on his daughter, you need to find someone else to help you out with her. It's obvious your boyfriend doesn't want the job.
I'm going to give your SO the
I'm going to give your SO the benefit of the doubt here.
Few SPs like taking care of their SKs. Their tolerance for those kids is much lower than they are for their own. Plus, I can't imagine how disheartening it must be to take care of someone else's kid as a (or in this case, the) primary caregiver when you only get to see your own child 50% or less of the time.
Add to that, your DD has special needs. And your baby, who is also your SO's, is in distress. You are ill and can't work. And it sounds like your ex/DD's dad is a flake.
That's a lot on your SO. I'm assuming he is the sole breadwinner at the moment, trying to take on the majority of the care of your DD while also trying to make time for his own DD, while also being worried about you and his own unborn child.
This isn't me saying that you aren't stressed and worried. This isn't me absolving him of his poor behavior. This is me, however, telling you that the approach needs to change.
Can your DD live with her dad for a while? Can he take on primary custody while you are on bed rest? Your SO isn't obligated to take care of your child, and he probably didn't realize what he signed up for 6 weeks ago. Many SPs do this - they take on more than they can reasonably accommodate. I just find that men are much better at saying "I can't and won't" than women are.
And that's what your SO is saying - he can't and won't take care of your daughter. He's likely frustrated that Dad isn't stepping up and that you are ordering him to pay attention to your DD at the expense of his own child. I understand WHY you are doing that, but that doesn't mean it's okay.
Your SO has an obligation to help YOU since you are on bed rest with his child. That obligation doesn't extend to your child, though. Your SO needs to communicate better that this isn't working, and you need to find different care for your daughter, whether that be Dad, another family member, or a home health aide that can assist with her and her treatments a few days a week. If either of my SSs had special needs that I wasn't used to handling, then all of a sudden was forced to be their primary caretaker, I'd have a panic attack and beg for help.
Again, I say all this assuming that your SO isn't actually a jerk but is just overwhelmed and not handling it well. You aren't handling it well, either. You both need to have a conversation about how to handle this better. You both have solid reasons to be upset, and unless you THINK he is purposefully being a d-bag to you and your DD, you both will need to make concessions in the interim so that your family survives.
I can see both sides. It is a
I can see both sides. It is a lot to ask of him, and any of us in his same position would probably struggle with it. However, the fact of the matter is that you are physically unable to care for your child properly because of your pregnancy, and she does have a father. Is he around? If so, I think you do need to see if he can take her more until you have your baby. Or find some help for your BF. It's a tough spot. Yes, you would hope he would step up, but he's not. Your daughter needs care that you can't give. Time for Plan B, because Plan A was your BF and that's not working.
My daughters dad is usually
My daughters dad is usually very reliable, comes most days out of the week to help me care for her, feed her, bathe her but he worked until 10 pm last night and had to get up and be at work at 7 am. He actually texted me before he went to work yesterday to see if he could come by before work but my phone was on silent so I didn’t see it. He then didn’t realize he worked so early (his schedule is all over the place). Unfortunately my ex lives with his parents who are hoarders and or daughter often gets sick when over there so it isn’t ideal for her to be with him, plus he’s going into the army and will be gone for 5 months at the end of the month.
As for my boyfriend, he did know what he was signing up for. My daughter is special needs because I had her at 23 weeks 5 days. I let him know from the beginning that I would be considered a high risk pregnancy. Everything was going good until I was 18 weeks and my cervix went from 3.5 cm to 2.5 cm and I had to get a cerclage. My cervix from last weeks check is 1.2 cm long
This is frustrating. I do
This is frustrating. I do understand your bf wanting time with his daughter and how picking up extra duties could be a stress on him... However I also don't think he's looking our of his norrow-minded little cone. Your Daughter needs help, you're pregnant with his child, and while you desprately want to help your daughter, you know that doing too much could hurt the baby. So you do need some extra help right now.
I think your bf needs to look at himself. Not only is he being selfish, it seems he's mistreating you with how he'll come and snap at you.I get being frustrated, I truly do, but snapping at your SO doesn't help, it only makes things worse, because now you're frustrated AND fighting with your SO.
I think you need to look at someone else to help out with your daughter sometimes though. If you give your SO some breaks (You stay in bed though!!! Someone else needs to help!!!) Then likely he won't be so moody at other times when you REALLY need his help with her.
Expecting a non parent to
Expecting a non parent to care for your special needs child is a lot. My son is special needs, too and had a lot of the same care requirements. It is stress full for the new caregiver. I would look into respite care. They have home nurses come and help with the care. It’s been a god send here and might be for you, too.
I wanted to add, you might
I wanted to add, you might feel some hesitation on asking for respite help. I know I did. I wanted to be the sole care giver. I will say, I am so glad I did it, I wish I did it sooner. You will need extra help when the baby comes.
My little does qualify for a
My little does qualify for a home health nurse, unfortunately she’s spent a good portion of her life in a hospital and has come to fear people. My ex husband, myself and my boyfriend are the only people she is comfortable around and it took a year for her to be comfortable with my boyfriend. She’s completely terrified of people. I would take more out of me to have a nurse come into the home, train her and get my daughter comfortable with her than to take care of my little on my own. My daughter still cries when my boyfriend watches her downstairs while I go upstairs to take a quick shower. She would be a huge clingy mess if I brought a stranger in.
My little is actually very easy. She does require a nebulizer treatment twice a day and is tube fed, but I blend all her food and freeze it so it’s ready to go and most of it can be put into a feeding bag. Her social skills are behind and she likes to play by herself so she very rarely asks for attention.
My son is tube fed and it is
My son is tube fed and it is hard for those not doing it all the time and that’s with premodern formula. I think you might be in a bit of denial how hard it is to take of a special needs kid because you have been doing it so long.
Oh and despite it being hard,
Oh and despite it being hard, he needs to use his grown up, polite words.
My boyfriend has been helping
My boyfriend has been helping me feed my little for a year and even he tells his family how easy it is to feed her. We do bolus feeds with her though, so that may be easier.
You don't say how BF was with
You don't say how BF was with your child before the pregnancy.
Now that you have time to think (what else can you do on bedrest?), you should plan how you'll manage in the long term. You're going to have your hands full with all the kids' needs and a newborn.
Be realistic about what you need from BF. Figure out how to present it to him so you'll get it. If there's no way to get it because that's just who he is, it's time to start thinking realistically about your situation and how you can manage without any help from him.
In the meantime, when SD whines about playing with her, read a book to her, play a game with her, watch a TV show with her. Soon she might start coming to you with a book or video in hand. Kids are naturally selfish, so talking about risk to her brother is just abstract...and it might even stoke jealousy. Let her pick the book or video and maybe she will soon pick up on your physical limitations. And if she's picks up on it, maybe your BF will too!!!
My boyfriend was amazing with
My boyfriend was amazing with my little in the beginning but me being in bed rest is taking its toll. I was working full time, pay all my own bills and caring for my little. We decided to have a baby and he was aware that I was high risk so I quit my job when we started trying. I kept the house clean and took care of the littles, both our littles.
I do bond with his little, she has some frustrating qualities but I talk with her and don’t belittle her and make her feel like her feelings are insignificant, like her dad and grandma does. They don’t like saying anything that could make the baby mom mad so when SD complains around her mom, then tell her she has a good life, while I actually listen and give advice. She’s really opened up to me. I know this is hard on his little. Her mom just had a new baby and has a toddler, she’s 9 years old, her little brother is 2 and new sister is a couple months and now I’m pregnant.
My frustration lies with my boyfriend, I understand him wanting to focus on his little when he has her, but frustration is that he doesn’t focus on my little until his daughter is over and then complains that he only focuses on mine. I told him to spend the weekend with his little, take her to his mom and then he gets mad at me because “I can’t stand his daughter, I never want her here” and then when I do have her here “you never want me to focus on my daughter or do anything fun” and it’s like make up your mind.