Do we call Child Protective Services?
I'll try to make this as short as possible:
BM has many psych issues and a very long history of "attempting" suicide and this is the second time this year. She did this 6 months ago right before we moved out of state. DH consulted with his attorney about the situation ss14 is living in and attorney said it would cost thousands of dollars in legal fees and go nowhere. We wanted to call CPS because she's out drinking all hours of the night, leaves ss14 unattended. The house is filthy. She doesn't make sure he goes to school. We felt our hands were tied after what the attorney said and because ss14 is adament he wants to stay with BM. So DH decided not to call CPS at that time.
This weekend BM calls DH screaming and yelling that she doesn't want ss14 and he needs to take him. (She does this frequently but then the next day everything is fine and she's back to telling DH he's a terrible father who doesn't have his priorities straight.) DH talks her into giving the phone to ss14 who is crying and terrified. He says BM is slapping him, trying to punch him. Throwing a baseball at his bedroom door when he was on the phone with DH and wouldn't come out. DH can hear her in the background screaming at him to get out of her house and screaming at him to "walk" to his dad's house - which is halfway across the country. DH finds out this has been going on a lot but ss14 has been covering for her and not telling anybody what's going on. He says he is tired of her constantly bad mouthing DH and he is tired of how she is treating him, says he doesn't know what to do.
DH advised ss14 to call the police immediately. Police come and BM is once again taken to the hospital for her psych issues. BM is now with his psycho grandparents who are trying to force him to visit BM in the hospital and he's so angry he doesn't want to see her.
We want to call CPS but we are afraid it may do more harm than good. ss14 covers up a lot for his mom. He absolutely does NOT want to live with us because there would be rules at our house. Half the time he's telling DH he hates him and wants nothing to do with him and he certainly doesn't like me at all. DH has repeatedly made it clear ss14 is welcome to live with us but he also makes it clear that life would be a lot different at our house. He would have to go to school instead of staying home all day to play video games, for example.
I am afraid our hands are tied because the Grandparents have and will continue to spend all kinds of money to fight DH when he tries to get ss14 out of that situation. They also go in and clean up her house - they cover up everything when these kind of things happen so that if CPS were called, everything would appear to be perfectly fine. They make sure BM is medicated and she pulls her act together long enough to get DH off her back and then things go back to the way they were.
As step mother, I try to just be supportive. I don't know what to say. I want to call CPS but fear I would just make things worse. Anybody been through this kind of thing? Any suggestions?
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YES. If there is an intent to
YES. If there is an intent to harm her child (even if she's in a manic state at the time), which it sounds like if she's hitting him and throwing things, then I say yes to call CPS.
I think SS is at an age where calling CPS won't necessarily cause him more harm than good. He may try to protect his mother but it may also open his eyes.
How often do you normally see
How often do you normally see him? Is it possible to get him into counseling, even if it has to be on your time?
Yes. She is physically
Yes. She is physically abusing him.
Yes, call them! Also, talk to
Yes, call them! Also, talk to his counsellor and teachers. Make sure they are aware of the issues and are keeping an eye on his condition and attendance. Make sure they have your number, as well as BM's, and are going to call you when he's absent and send copies of progress reports etc to your home as well as hers.
Now My opinion is a little
Now My opinion is a little bit different.
Should you call CPS yes but you need to be smart about it.
We had the same problem with our Bm , she would always leave ss by himselves while she was out at the club. Of course he would cover for her too. but he was allot younger then your ss.
So we started calling ss on the weekend to see if she was home.
After we had enough of her games and Lie's , we called CPS while she was out at the club.
The lady waited at the house with Ss when she came home hung over, she tried to lie to CPS saying she was only out for a couple minutes. Problem was Cps have been sitting on her couch for hours.
So when i say you need to be smart about it ,what i mean is you need to catch her in the act so to speak. If you call cps now you have no evidence and it will be your word against hers. Your ss will lie for her so that only makes it worst. She will only get better at covering up her out burst.
So you need to go now and look up the number for CPS. the next time when she calls yelling and screaming, while your Dh is talking to her, you dial CPS tell them to get over to her house. when they get there they will see it for them self.
DH has spent thousands and
DH has spent thousands and thousands of dollars and countless, countless hours trying to get custody of son. It's really not as simple as it seems. At best, he's been able to put enough pressure on BM to keep the situation from getting out of control -and lately it's starting to get out of control.
That's a great idea goodstepmom! I will program CPS number into our phones and do as you suggested. Catching her in the act is exactly the problem. Her parents cover for her and so does ss14. They do a very good job of it. They all know that DH will act in a heartbeat to get his son out of that situation so they are very cautious and guarded. It's just in the past 6 months that things seem to be escalating, ever since we moved. We've been living in another state these past 6 months so we aren't there to see what's going on. We didn't realize until this weekend that BM is starting to get physically abusive. ss14 is a big guy and he's actually more scared of what he will do in angry retaliation than her actually being able to hurt him. Either way, it's a horrible situation for him to be in. At least there is now a police record of ss14 calling the police to come out to the house.
DH does keep in contact with the school and he stays on ss14's case about going to school and about his grades - that's probably a big reason ss14 shuts him out so much. DH gets emails and text alerts about grades and attendance. BM received letters to go to court last year regarding poor school attendance and she just threw them away. We have been waiting to see what happens this year but so far she's been able to excuse all his absences so DH just keeps trying to talk with ss14 about why he needs to be in school - until it gets to the point he can do more about it.
ss14 was getting to the point, until very recently, that he shut DH out almost entirely. It took a lot of effort on DH's part to get ss14 to even answer the phone or respond to a text. Even more effort to get him to come visit. This is another reason we are so cautious - ss14 has been so protective of his mother and so angry with DH. We walk a very thin line just to be able to stay in his life without him shutting DH out completely. I am hoping that things are getting to a point we can finally do more, but we definitely need to be smart about it.
Wouldn't you think the Police
Wouldn't you think the Police would call CPS? I'm not that familar but gosh! Yes go ahead and call.
Something else I wonder about is how is it that her parents are able to care for him, legally since she isn't able to shouldn't he come to his father?
Yes, when this happened 6
Yes, when this happened 6 months ago DH took him. DH went to the school and spoke with all the teachers, etc. and got ss14 to get his act together to pass the 8th grade. He took him to see a counselor who is very familiar with BM and her nonsense and who ss14 has been able to relate well with in the past. ss14 spent the entire hour with the counselor not saying a single word and the counselor said not to bother bringing him back. BM was in the hospital a week and ss14 couldn't get back home to her quick enough, he hated being with us and it was hard work getting him to cooperate. The Attorney said there was nothing legally that we could do.
Every thing we try to do leads us to a dead end.
We are across the country now. BM will probably be out in a few days and we would have to turn around and give him right back, after he misses even more school. The grandparents will make him go to school at least.
We should have called CPS this weekend while BM was ranting and raving but we were so caught off guard and DH's immediate concern was taking care of the situation at that point in time - we didn't think and act quick enough beyond that.
Dotherightthing - My
Dotherightthing - My thoughts??
1. My opinion is that you should call CPS and do as the poster suggested above - be smart about it. Do it when she leasts expects it. Do you think this will help make getting custody easier intead of spending thousands of dollars to do it?? Can you ask the attorney?
and
2. I am wondering if your SS14 is too young to "make the decision". He can say he doesn't want to come live with you being faced with rules, but he can also be staying out of protection for his mom. He may believe that if he is not there, BM will fall apart, or get into worse trouble. Who will help his mom if he is not there? Also, over here, SD wanted to live with DH and I very very badly. However, even though she had a tense relationship with her mom it was still difficult for her to be the one to say that she wanted to leave. DH did it for her. He told SD- "That's it.. you are coming to live with us and we will make it happen." Your SS sounds like he needs help. And personally, instead of telling SS how much things will be different and harder at your house than where he is now (thus making it a "threat" and also insinuating that his mom isn't good enough), I think you and DH should take a different tactic with him and give him some positive reasons to come live with you. He could end up trouble with you, or he could just be waiting for the structure and non-stressful environment you and DH could provide.
Yesterday when DH called
Yesterday when DH called ss14, DH said he was guarded and distant again. It was difficult to have any kind of conversation with him, this is the norm.
I do believe that ss14 thinks BM will fall apart if he leaves. That and he also enjoys the freedom he has with her because there are no rules and he can and act as he pleases. Last night DH told me that ss14 was telling BM to go ahead and kill herself along with other things to provoke her when she was coming unglued the other day. DH told him to stop it while he was on the phone with him, but he's not there all the time to intervene. It's a bad situation.
ss14 spent two months with us over the summer and it was extremely stressful. He kept trying to provoke DH, telling him he wished he would die, etc., and BM was constantly texting him and DH which we found very disruptive. She doesn't give anyone a moment of freedom or peace. Regardless, DH spent lots of time with him and there were a lot of positive things that came out of the 2 month visit. We hoped that living in a better environment for a few months would have a positive effect for him. But ever since he went back home, he and BM have apparently just had nasty fights that are escalating. We never know exactly what is going on because ss14 is extremely guarded and barely talks to DH.
ss14 already knows what life would be like at our house, regardless of what we say. He's been with us enough to know that there would be structure. DH does a lot of stuff with him for fun but we make sure there are basic rules that every house should have. We really are more lenient on him than we should be because we know he won't come visit at all otherwise. This kid has way too much power, despite the abusive conditions he's living in with BM. Another concern I have is that I don't want him to think he could just go back and forth between mom and dad depending on which situation he feels he has the most control in at the time.
DH says he will continue to look for the right opportunity to call CPS and also to continue to stay in constact with the school about enforcing attendance. The attorney told DH that regardless of what we try to do, ss14 is still at an age that when all is said and done he can have the final say as to where he will live.
The whole situation is just heartbreaking.
I went online and also looked
I went online and also looked at other sections of stalk to reseach this some more.
It appears that the situation DH has with ss14 and BM is not that uncommon. And just as the attorney told DH, it is extremely difficult to take a child away from the mother even if the environment is not stable for the child and the other parent is clearly a more fit parent.
It is truly a shame that the court system seems to protect unfit parents more than it does the kids. It seems like the best role a step-mom can play is to be supportive but not overly emotional about it, no matter how difficult that can be.
Dotherightthing - it is
Dotherightthing - it is difficult, but it is not impossible. But I know what you mean... We didn't think that we would be able to get SD without a fight. As it turned out, BM let her go because DH told her that it would be in the best interest of SD and that if it went to court, she would look like an unfit mother! The thought of having that dirty laundry on record was part of what scared BM!
I think it's time for you two to consult another attorney!