welcome to stephood!! no help on the skid problem, i have been married 6 (w/dh 8 yrs) and i still can't stand skids existence..

i think you are still adjusting and out of place in a new city... the shitty car drive to/from work...

don't stress over 3 yrs from now..... you may win the lottery and money may not even be an issue...

((HUGS))

Nah, you're not being unreasonable. To me, when people get married, they share everything. Maybe you have a great reason for keeping finances separate, but that just wouldn't work for me. If nothing else, then your husband needs to cut you some slack and help out with the household chores. And it's sweet that you are trying to help your husband and ss to spend time together.

No, I believe you are being reasonable.

Dotherightthing, sounds like you've made one sacrifice after the other to make things work and I wonder if that is contributing to your anger.

You're not being unreasonable, but you and your DH might have different opinions about what's "fair." For one thing, I would include commuting expenses (both yours and your DH's) in your household expenses since both jobs support the household.

I would suggest you try to have a calm, nonconfrontational discussion with your DH about how you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed out about household responsibilities, chores, and finances. My DH has NO CLUE about what I do around the house, and it could be yours is like that too. As far as my DH is concerned, the garbage fairy takes care of emptying the kitchen trash can.

While you ARE being very generous to take on additional responsibilities when his son is with you, I'm not sure that's such a good approach if that leaves you with all the work and your DH with all the fun. His son should SEE his dad contribute to household upkeep and, gasp, the son should contribute too.

I thought marriage was a team sport? I would be increasingly resentful as well if eveything in my marriage was divided into "his and "mine". Don't get me wrong, my hubby and I pretty much do our own finances... he has bills that he pays, I have bills that I pay, we each have our own savings and checking accounts BUT should one of us want to purchase or do something "extra" we help each other out.

Looking a little deeper into your post, it appears to me that this is a way for your hubby to control you so to speak.... keeping you dependent on him (i.e. you couldn't possible ever leave him, if you have no money in savings, old furniture and belongings, a crappy car etc.)

I would be increasingly resentful and frustrated as well, he has elevated himself over you and that is so NOT what marriage should be about! you are most certainly NOT being whiney and unreasonable!

dtrt, your story makes me very sad for you. i agree with every poster..... you need to step back and re-evaluate your situation... and his idea of "fair" where the money is concerned seems extremely distorted... i can only assume he has been burned in the pocket book in the past..

good luck and hope things get better for you...

Dotherightthing, you are definitely getting the short end of the stick! It appears that you have sacraficed alot for your DH and his kid and you get very little in return. Sure, a thank you is nice, but you're his WIFE for heavens sake, you deserve so much more! So what if he makes more than you do; marriage isn't about who makes what and who contributes to this or that (with the exception of CS); marriage should be based on your love for one another and mutual respect. That's great that your DH wants to save & buy a house in three years but if you're not happy now and all this resentment is building up (and it will get worse if you don't work it it now) who's to say you'll be around in three years to see this house?

I have a friend who deals with the same nonsense that you are. It's been a huge battle...her husband has blamed her for all their financial woes so they split everything up...turns out that HE was the one with the issue and spent over $40,000 in 3 months.

You're doing a great job...HE is the one who is being unreasonable. And, as someone said earlier, very controlling.

It has only been 6 months since you are married ? Wow, does he talk to you ? Have you told him how this is effecting your relationship? Why are monies still seperate ? Sorry for all the questions but I think you need to write down how you feel and hand him a letter. Just sit down and talk to him.

I can't relate to all of this, but a few things.
DH and I just got married a few months ago, and made the decision right before we did to combine everything financially. I make next to nothing compared to him, but since I do all the shopping for everyone, the cooking (groceries), etc, it makes sense for us to join accounts so I have the money to do what I need to in order to make our life comfortable. And, in turn, make me comfortable. It sounds like you have been feeling this way for awhile, and nothing has changed. Personally, maybe I'm selfish, but I would start making some changes on my own. Start small, but make sure you're happy. I don't know how you would do that, but you need to start somewhere, this will only get worse. It sounds like you give give give and you're feeling resentful.

If you both work full time, similar hours, then regardless of how much he earns the housework should be split 50/50. Especially given that his SS will actually be generating some of that work. He's not making one jot of additional financial contibution to support you, so why should you 'make up for' your lower salary by doing more housework? You have nothing to be apologetic about, I'm sure you work hard. You are completely financially equal (excessively so in my opinion although it sounds like you both have reason to fear merging finances), so your household contribution should be equal too. His son should also have chores, and if DH doesn't want his SS to do chores at your house then he should be prepared to pick up the slack and do more.

Basically you have done a classic stepmum thing of martyring yourself in an attempt to show everyone you can be great mum and make people happy. I have also made this mistake and bustled around trying to be perfect homemaker thinking it would impress everybody, while I was working full time and not getting any real appreciation for it. All that happens if you do that is that you get taken for granted and get REALLY resentful. He may earn twice what you do, but you are putting twice as much work into the relationship because you have the very difficult job of building a relationship with his son. You are taking two people on, not just one! And if the BM is difficult you're taking three people on. You are happy to do that because you love him (this is what you tell him even though I know happy is probably not the word you would use to describe your feelings at taking on someone elses 14 yr old!) but you need him to appreciate that, and meet you half way.

So step 1 is sit down with him, tell him it's too hard on you to take on so much housework, especially with your additonal commute to work now, and in order for things to be fair between you you feel that you need to review houehold jobs and achieve more of a 50/50 balance. Tell him you think perhaps your anger is coming from resentment because you so wanted to make a good start and make him and SS happy that you have taken on what you now feel is an unfair share of the day to day housework. If you can pursuade him then this one step will alleviate HUGE quantities of your resentment and address some of your anger.

On your future anxieties about buying a house etc: Splitting the mortgage and perhaps bills 50/50 makes some sense. But if he earns way more than you then he should be prepared to step up and provide for more of the other stuff. Buying stuff for the house is an investment he can take with him if that should become necessary. When I lived with my first partner I earned a lot more than him. We split the mortgage and bills 50/50, but I either contributed more, or paid for, all the other household stuff - fridge, TV, washing machine, furniture etc. Likewise I paid the deposit on our house. When we split up our possessions were divided accordingly and I bought him out of the house paying him his share of the equity, minus the share he would have paid to the deposit. If your DH has been burned financially it's probably going to take time for him to trust you. But you can draw up financial agreements which would enable him to invest financially in your life together and still have the reassurance he's not going to be taken to the cleaners. In 3 years time you may find he's more trusting and this becomes less of an issue so try not to worry about these bridges until you come to them. Hope this helps.

I just read your last post. If things are getting too confrontational then try writing a letter or email to him instead and come at your points from a new angle rather than starting with the SS problems. Try not to get too emotional, state the facts and suggest your practical steps for improving things between you, with the review of housework as a key strategy. At the start and the end reiterate your love for him and your committment to the relationship and your relationship with his son, and that you just want to find a way forward. When you've drafted it, edit hard and try to eliminate any overly emotional triggers that will cause him to be dismissive because he's heard it before. If you decide to speak to him instead this approach can work in planning the conversation. If the conversation gets heated call a time out and regroup, make yourself the bigger person, not in height but in trying to remain constructive. Failing that try counselling, a mediator can make a big difference and will help him see he's being unfair. The stool thing made me laugh!

I couldn't be married like that. I would be very resentful as well. I know a lot of people separate finances. But I have never really understood why.

We've never separated anything. When we were both working, the money just went into one account. I paid the bills and managed the finances.

I am at home full time now. I contribute exactly $0 financially. I still have all the money. DH works outside the home. I handle all the household stuff, including managing the money. My DH couldn't even begin to tell you how much money we have in the bank. But I could tell you down to the cent.

As for household chores....I do the majority of the housework because I am the one home. He handles the yard and the cars. But when we were both working, he helped out more. We didn't separate the chores. We just worked together to get it done.

I wish I had advise. But I wouldn't remain in a marriage like that.

I think to your DH that money = control. So the discussion is really about who controls what. He's just FINE with the current situation, so why should he change? That you are miserable doesn't seem important to him. So HE thinks 2 hours mowing the lawn is the equivalent of everything you do, but YOU don't. Why is he automatically right? Why is is ok with him that you are unhappy? He sounds like he is a control freak unwilling to compromise, and that would be a huge issue for me.

Try counseling. I mean, really, what have you got to lose? The counselor will NOT think you are evil, I promise. Your issues are only partly about the SS (which the counselor will see), and mostly about the lack of equality and respect you have with your DH. If your DH won't go to counseling, go yourself so you can get a handle on your own feelings. You're being way too "nice" in order to avoid conflict. And you're killing yourself.

(((hugs)))

Wow! You and I could be sisters from another mother!! My DH and I both work and have good jobs, but never seem to have much money. He makes more than I do, but we split the household bills 50/50. We each pay for our own cc bills, car payments, and gas. We've been married about 1 1/2 years and when we combined the insurance, etc., we decided to keep our disposable income separate at my suggestion. The reason was his 2 adult kids who are a constant financial drain.
I understand your anger. That's how I feel a lot of the time. I finally started going to counciling because I couldn't get a handle on it and it's so different from my normal personality. It has really helped a lot!! He would handle issues by not really dealing with them or agreeing with me to shut me up. Then totally act like we didn't have the discussion. His kids are losers and he doesn't have a clue on how to parent. So the end result was that he felt like he was in the middle of disagreements. Which he was. But it took awhile for me to realize hee actually puts himself there because of how he handles conflict.
I think that marriage should be a two member team effort. I don't like having our finaces separate, but until he learns how to say no to his loser kids, I guess I'll have to live with it.
I feel so bad for you and really don't know any advice to help besides counciling. He does sound pretty controlling. It would be hard for me to listen to him whine about cs all the time. That's his problem really. And I wouldn't tolerate the ss being a lazy slob in my house. Time for you to step up and take charge I think. Keep us posted on how things progress. I hope he agrees to go to counciling.

Your husband is not treating your marriage as a partnership. It sounds like he's got serious issues with trust and sharing and more worryingly is not willing to discuss constructively or negotiate but is arguing from a position of no surrender. It's going to be be very difficult for your relationship to survive under those conditions.

It's ironic that he says you're making an issue out of money when it is his complete financial stonewall which is undermining your confidence and making you feel undervalued and probably unloved. His daily complaints about child support show that it is him who is making an issue out of money. His stonewalling is tricking you into making ever more detailed breakdowns of your respective financial and practical contribution in the hope that logic will win through, which he is then turning back on you as a sign that YOU have a problem with money. Like many Dad's he also has NO IDEA what it is like to have to build a relationship with someone elses child, and it seems he undervalues your efforts there as well.

It sounds like he came with all this baggage. You need help dealing with it. Go to a councellor, I guarantee that they will validate ALL of your concerns and be totally sympathetic. They will also see right through your husbands issues no matter how cool and calm he tries to come across. I had counselling with my DH and it not only got us over some major conflicts it also transformed his behaviour when we argue.