How have you handled in-laws?
Just curious, but now that my DH and I have retired and moved away from his inlaws I have had time to think (maybe too much!) about how his side of the family treated me, especially since I was his third wife and I basically disengaged from SD from the time she was 13. I never was outwardly mean to her, nor did I ever express any animosity to her or his family, I was just aloof. Granted it probably didn't help matters that I never made a lot of effort with her, or her me. I just felt his family were pretty cold to me (with the exception of my MIL whom I loved) and I couldn't understand why as I never created drama or said anything unkind to or about anyone. Just wondered if anyone has had the same experience. Do you think it's due to SD and my relationship? I really couldn't give a crap now, but like I said, reflecting on it I am convinced it had to do with SD. Anyone relate?
- donnaree's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm sure that your inlaws
I'm sure that your inlaws would have liked for you to have a pleasant/warm relationship with their grandchild. They likely saw your aloofness and it probably was hurtful to them in a fashion by association. They might figure that if you don't want to be "part of the family" and want to pick and choose who you associate with.. then they may not have much use for that.
On the other side of the coin.. do you care really whether you are close with your inlaws? do you have to socialize with them alot? can your husband see them without you? or is it just that you don't like that they don't like you... even though you made that same decision about the stepchild? I would not borrow trouble here. Perhaps as the third wife they were guarded at how long YOU would last. perhaps they had ties to the exwives.. attachments that were unrelated toyou?
you can drive yourself crazy... with all the possibilities. but the bottom line is the relationship is yours to cultivate.. or let go.. do you WANT them in your life more? then you may need to make an effort. if you don't care.. don't worry about it.
I know it’s all history and I am aware I need to see my part
in these relationships. However, other than disengaging early on out of self preservation and to save my marriage, I do not feel I did anything to deserve them or to SD to warrant their obvious coldness. Some eventually came around but others you could tell still had an edge. We are talking after being married 20 years. Like I responded to the other comment, my intuition/gut feeling tells me that SD was talking about me negatively behind my back, possibly for years. But always acted pleasant to my face. Call it paranoia or not moving on, but it was hurtful and I just wanted to know if anyone had similar experiences.
Read your post from 2014
Its possible that SD has been talking badly about you behind your back.
What ever happened to the financial enabling and the cash grab that was going on?
I am inclined to agree that she poisoned the well
I have always had a strong feeling that SD has said things to my DH's cousins and aunt about me (DH is an only child). She was supposed to be in our wedding and then backed out a few months before. I have told DH that I believed she was trying to get him to change his mind about marrying me, like she did it out of protest. I admit I still am working through the resentment that caused. But I do still think that she was communicating her displeasure behind my back. My MIL was great about not repeating anything negative she may have said, but I am sure that it occurred. I know its all water under the bridge and we don't live near them or SD. But it was still hurtful. Anyway, the financial enabling came to a crashing halt with the death of my MIL who was the prime target of SD's manipulation when it came to $. The final straw with me in remaining disengaged is when, after MIL died, she was brazen enough to ask if grandma left her any money in her will. My DH actually wrote her a four page email explaining she didn't and that basically she needs to get a job and step up to being financially responsible and independent. Very proud him for that.
My MIL is like this. In my
My MIL is like this. In my case, she has been like that to any "outsider" that comes near the family. So one thing to look at would be if its towards you in particular or not.
Sorry to hear about MIL
I was very lucky to have a wonderful MIL. The only challenge with mine, was that she basically took control of parenting over from my DH and he let her. She loved SD very much, but also enabled her financially as well as not correcting bad behavior. She was probably afraid if she did anything SD didn't like or said no, SD wouldn't come visit. Sort of an emotional manipulation on SD's part.
I don't really handle them...
I don't really handle them....I look at them as my husbands mom and husbands dad and step mom....just as I would a friends parents. I know they see me as an outsider.....so I treat them accordingly. They were team BM from the begining and were horrible to DH for divorcing her.....so I keep my distance.
It makes my stomach turn, though, now that we have a shared child and they are now MY childs grandparents. It's is so un natural feeling.
When skids turn 18.....I plan to go as far away as possible from in laws and skids.....with or without DH.
We just moved 500 miles away from in-laws
this past June. SD, who never lived in the same city, was trying to persuade DH to move there and was posting all sorts of stuff on FB to tug at his heart strings to get h to move there. Like I didn't exist. But I was clear with him that I would never move that far way from my family. Plus her BM lives there as well. Anyway, now we are in a brand new chapter. I wish you luck. That has to be very uncomfortable for you and your Bio child and sad that it turned out that way. Stay strong!
The disrespect and acting like you don’t exist
is beyond hurtful. It's petty and mean. I am sorry that you experienced that. It's his some of his cousins and aunts. I was fortunate that at least my husband was an only child (meaning no siblings to deal with) and that his parents were not like that. It's like you are forever an outsider. Even if you've been married 20 years like we have.
I didn't deal with most of the inlaws.
Or rather, they didn't deal with me. There are a few who are wonderful and I am close with. They accepted me and we have a lot in common, plus that thought/think BM is trash so there was no pining for her.
The others basically ignored me from the start. They were so disinterested in getting to know me, and still thought of BM as the DIL SIL etc that they had photos of her and DH up in their houses, shared old photos of them together on facebook, and still acted like DH was married to her. I am sure they now blame me for the estrangement of SD and DH's decision to disengage with some of them completely, and some slightly due to how they backed BM when she was putting him through hell.
Oh well, I'm not bothered anymore (I was initially offended). I don't have to see of hear from them and get to have a great relationship with the nice ones!
That’s exactly how I have tried to handle
the in-laws that have grown to accept me and I have tried to just ignore those that don't. The biggest challenge in the past few years is/was DH's aunt on the West Coast. She seems to think she is the replacement for DH's mom who passed away in 2017 of Alzheimer's. She actually told DH and I at dinner one night (before MIL passed) that we should continue to support SD. Meaning that after MIL passes we should continue to bankroll SD. DH made it clear (thank God) that SD was turning 30 and that she is perfectly capable of "supporting" herself. Auntie didn't like that and tried to say that SD was basically not as mature as her years. DH quickly changed the subject. This is an example of the enabling that went on with SD. I believe auntie knew that SD wasn't in MIL's will and was trying to run interference for SD. Needless to say I have disengaged with Auntie as well. Thankfully she also lives far away.