No Christmas Visit
DH is once again in denial about his indifferent SD12. Before school got out for Winter Break, she was asking everyday "when can I go to BM?" Basically as soon as the last school bell rang, she wanted DH to give her a ride to BM. He knew she was going to visit BM family (about 8 hours away). SD12 told DH that she would be back the day after Christmas... so about 1 week with BM, then one week with us. He thought that sounded good. DH and BM are no contact, so DH just took her word for it.
DH didn't talk to SD all week before Christmas. He texted her Christmas morning and then SD12 returned her phone call 5 hours later. I could tell his feelings were hurt that she wasn't missing him and counting down the minutes until she could see precious dadd-o again. Well, it's now the 30th and SD12 still isn't back from BM. Not that I'm complaining! SD12 hasn't asked to come back to our house and the only other time they talked besides Christmas was SD reaching out about a package being delivered from Amazon or not.
How does DH not see that SD12 truly doesn't give a crap!? She doesn't want to be at our house. She has ZERO desire to visit for the holidays... doesn't matter that he got a bunch of gifts or not. She doesn't care! I thought about asking DH to facetime her with DS2. Then opted against it. No Merry Christmas was extended towards DS. No asking what santa got him. Nada. I'm over DH trying to go over the top for SD12. I feel like the sooner he sees SD12 for who she is, and accepts her indifference towards our side of the family, it will save him a TON of heartbreak. When SD12 was younger he would have blamed BM for "keeping her from him." She has her own cell phone that she is tied to 24/7. She makes online orders ALL the time for herself. Any effort towards a thoughtful gift is totally absent. Even communicating on the holidays.
It gave me a taste of what things will be like in the future with SD12 and holidays. I don't think she will involve herself in our family plans. And I don't think DH will push it anymore either. Down the road, I can easily see the twice a year birthday and Christmas text... but other than that no real involvement. I'm sure DH wishes it wasn't that way, but I also thinks he needs to accept the reality of the situation.
Anyone else's DH get bummed out over SKs during Christmas? It totally puts a damper on things!
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I lived this life in my previous marriage.
Every holiday, including Father's Day and HIS birthday with exdh was geared towards HIS KIDS. Not our young family. Xmas was a special hell. I spent 2 days cooking for his little darlings (close to my age tbh) and was hardly present for my own little ones and the joy they brought and experienced with these holidays. Now 30 years later and divorced 10 and now it's my kids arranging, planning and cooking for daddy and his little darlings their half siblings. Yes, I set a terrible example. My advice is do not let him and his pining for a fantasy that will never come to fruition impact you and yours. My kids DO thank me for starting traditions with just them that we still continue to this day. It's just sad that it excluded their father at the time. There were even a few Father's Day he didn't want to celebrate or wanted to postpone celebrating because his kids were unavailable. Sorry DH, you can "catch up" with those adults at both your convenience but I'm not making a ten year old wait to give you the card and gift they made you until then. I wish I had set even more boundaries back then. Learn and grow I guess. My kids are finally setting boundaries around catering to their half siblings too.
Good point! We started
Good point! We started cleaning up yesterday... put new toys away, DH took down Christmas lights, etc. Well he came inside and saw me taking ornaments off the tree. He sort of flipped out. "You're not going to leave the tree up? SD12 still has to come back and open her presents!?" So i finished taking down the ornaments, but left the lights up I guess. Her presents and stocking are still in a pile under the tree. But seriously? You want me to wait to accomdate cleaning up the house because of SD12... when you have NO IDEA when she will actually come to our house to visit? It would have been different if he knew for sure "oh she's coming on the 31st" or SOMETHING! But no plans of returning and I'm supposed to revolve my home decor around SD? Like she cares if our tree is up or not anyway?! Like you said, it's just his fantasy of everyone unwrapping presents under the tree together as one big happy family. REALITY CHECK!
Haha sounds familiar.
We had one year two of exes kids still hadn't picked up their presents by February. They heard a sibling was coming over and asked them to get them for them. Nope. You want a gift grab at the very least you gotta show your face. Funny the more boundaries I set the more these people weren't as comfortable coming over. Be prepared for that and hold to it. It took me about 20 years to start. Start now and you'll be free of the drama sooner. Once they all had families of their own that outnumbered the ones we still had at home I told DH that we (me and my servant children) couldn't keep hosting a big meal every Xmas eve and breakfast Xmas morning. He took it very personally as I'm sure his kids did too. Mine thanked me. By noon Jan 1st I would not say a word and finish taking down the tree.
One year SD didn't get her
One year SD didn't get her Christmas presents until Easter, we had to store all them from us and the in-laws until then. It was so awkward when she finally got them.
My DH now doesn't buy gifts in person unless he knows we'll see SD. Otherwise he just mails things directly to BMs.
That is awkward lol
Really showed how little they visit doesn't it?
Do you historically
Do you historically undecorate the house 4 days after Christmas? I know some people do. If that's what you usually do, more power to you. If your husband wants Christmas decor to exchange gifts with SD, then he can take her out somewhere as there will be holiday decorations up until a bit after NYE.
In my house, we don't take down the decorations until January 6th or "Little Christmas." Just make sure you're taking them down as you usually do and not because you're annoyed with SD.
DH used to never ever want to
DH used to never ever want to put up decorations until SDs were at our home, which means I had to wait too. Annoying but whatever.
He never wants to take them down until a few days after New Year's - SDs have never had to help put stuff away of course since at this point they are always at BMs. And usually I do all the cleanup. This year I am 100% ok with this because I am so OVER it this year. On top of DH getting Covid and thus YSD leaving Xmas day, then I got the flu (I'm just back sitting upright after 3 days) I am ready for the end of the year. I need to plan a good New Year's eve for DH and I since we haven't celebratated anything yet. I should be ok going to the store tomorrow. Thinking of prime rib if they have any left....and hoping DH doesn't get what I've had!
That's interesting, I had
That's interesting, I had never heard the expression "little Christmas", any idea where that came from? What other traditions go with it? Here they call it " Epiphany " or "the kings". Elsewhere they call it Twelfth Night. I love learning about traditions!
Yes, they always get taken
Yes, they always get taken down before the New Year! Going back to work on Jan 2 is stressful enough. I try to get my "to-do" list done before then. I just thought it was ironic for DH to take down outdoor lights, but was confused when I joined in to take down the tree?
Ah, my DH is super touchy
Ah, my DH is super touchy about the tree as well. I'm ok waiting for SDs to be here to put it up (unless YSD drags her feet coming).
I let DH know this year that tree was going up on X date with or without YSD this year since we didn't know when she was coming, and that the tree will be taken down on X date after New Years, no buts about it.
Yes the tree set up was so
Yes the tree set up was so hard for me this year! DH put it on me that I wanted to put it up without SD and how mean I was to want to do that. SD DOES NOT CARE WHAT WE DO DH!! Ugh the fight we had over that. Well she came and no tree went up! She wasn't interested at all. When she left I put it up and when she came back.. she didn't even notice! She only noticed there were no presents under the tree yet. Good hard lesson for DH.
BRAVO!! Stick to your usual
BRAVO!! Stick to your usual schedule. They snooze, they lose!!
SD8 is on her way to be like
SD8 is on her way to be like this. She adores being at BMs even though BM is a lazy-HC-Toxic-neglectful-immature-narcissist. BM manipulates her hard and it's all just really sad for SD.
We gave her my old iPhone XR without the sim for Christmas (so it's basically a mini iPad) and she has been messaging BM and FaceTiming her every single day she is here. She is gone for 9 days over there with her iPad apparently BM bought her for Christmas and DH doesn't receive anything. No message, no calls.
I find it all a bit suss with her iPad too. SD messaged Bm saying could she pick her up later or even a day later so she could have more time at ours on her iPhone (she even wrote don't tell dad I asked) playing games and BM replied saying 'I still have your Christmas gift that I promise will be just as good as your iphone!!'
Wow so mature BM. Of course it's a competition and of course you last minute bought her an iPad to 'one up' on Dh. Instead of replying something like 'No there is plenty of electronics SD you can play with here'. NOPE. It's all a big ass competition to BM.
SS10 was so shocked saying we already opened our presents at her house. Oh man of course BM probably rushed to the cash converters to find a cheap iPad to 'win over' SD to be more at her house. Now SS wonders if the new iPhone he has been asking is under BMs tree. The one she gave him 3 years ago was her old phone and hasn't worked for a year. Mmmm doubt it SS.
Im not complaining though, I love SD not here, DH understands she is a lot of work with BMs influence. Plus I have no headlice to deal with.