I'm thinking of leaving my DH
I adore my DH. We've been married for 8 years. I have no kids of my own by choice. He loves and misses his kids so much. SD9 and SD11 live in another state with BM. We see them off and on throughout the year, split holidays, and have them during the summer. When they're with us, I become withdrawn. He longs for the time when they see through BM's antics and want to come live with us full-time. Trouble is, I don't want them here. They're the typical entitled SK's that no one wants around. But, he deserves to have the freedom to pursue a full custody life with his kids. I feel like by me being here, they are forced to live a life that he doesn't want for them. Their lives would be better with him. He's not a manipulative, lying nutcase like their BM. I'm the only one in this equation who doesn't belong here. They were here before me and also deserve to have a full custody life with my DH. My dad wasn't there for me and I think sometimes it's more important to me that my DH be a good dad to them than a husband to me. I'm willing to walk and it's devastating. I hope I'm just having a low moment. I'm so sad.
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There's nothing saying he
There's nothing saying he will GET full custody. He can want it all he wants, it's going to take some serious abuse for courts to agree & take the skids from their BM to move states away with your DH. Unless BM is going to agree to it?
I would talk to your DH about your feelings IF he was actually persuing & had a good chance at custody. For one, skids may behave differently if they live with you all full time & have stability & discipline. I would talk to your DH about how you feel & ask him how he plans to parent his kids once they are here full time.
A good thing is you would have like all summer every summer free if they visited with BM
But all in all, your husband will probably need you there when he wakes up one day & realizes he will probably never have full costody of his children. When he has that realization, he will be heartbroken. I know my DH was.
He tried getting them once
He tried getting them once before when they revealed to me that the BM's live-in BF was being "mean" to them, but the BM put up a fight and we think lied under oath so the courts said no and just put a few boundaries in place. I know you're right about how hard it is for a judge to remove kids from their BM. And honestly, the skids don't want to leave their BM, they love her obviously. But my DH is convinced they would have a better life with us. I've gently told him it wouldn't be "us" but "him" as I can't tolerate these ungrateful kids who don't know how to act on a full-time basis. He thinks if I were around them more, I'd surely adore them more, and then be more if a positive influence on them and their behavior. It's crazy talk to me.
You do need to have an honest
You do need to have an honest discussion with your DH. Not only is there a good chance he wouldn't get custody, he may not want it if he's single.
It would be really sad if you left him for nothing.
Very insightful with the
Very insightful with the second paragraph and I agree for many men its true.
I would tell him how you feel
I would tell him how you feel - you have nothing to lose. I came clean with my DH some years ago and told him that he was perfectly welcome to have his daughters to live with him but if that happened I would have to leave. It wasn't a threat - I was just saying how I saw it, and that I couldn't live with them - I know myself well, and that my mental health couldn't stand it (I have anxiety and depression).
I certainly wouldn't jump the gun and make arrangements to leave before you've even talked it through. A lot can happen - and NOT happen.
Seems to me you are worrying
Seems to me you are worrying about nothing. Unless you can prove heinous abuse, no court will remove the kids. He's dreaming.
All very good, I mean
All very good, I mean excellent points being made. Thank you. He keeps saying what a positive influence I am on the skids but it's an act I do for him and honestly anything is better than their scank BM. I need to take a few deep breaths and calm myself. When I really think about it, it's "our" life with the skids he wants, not just him. I don't think he pictures himself as a single dad trying to pursue this. Poor man, he gets the wife he always wanted, but still shares his kids with some crazy bitch. It's just never ending. If only my DH knew what this site was doing to help our marriage... But he'll never know because I do this behind his back.
I sympathize with my DH for
I sympathize with my DH for this - I know it's his own fault that he wasn idiot at 19 BUT I'd hate if my decisions I made at 19 shaped my whole life.
He got his degree, great job, great wife (
) & a beautiful home. A decent car, a dog - basically the American dream. But his daughter still has to live in a slummy apartment that's too small for her her mom & brother & sometimes brothers dad. he pays CS out of his pay & BM still doesn't take care of SD like she should. He misses SD, he has to deal with drama everytime he calls SD.
It sucks for him & sucks for SD because yes, her life would be 'better' here but 'better' isn't enough for the court to uproot a child. It really isn't fair, to either the child or the parent who got their life together - but it's how it is. I know it eats DH alive that SD has to grow up the way she does & there's nothing he can do about it. I think that's why so many NCPs live in an imaginary world where it's only a short time until they get custody.
I think it's awesome of you
I think it's awesome of you to look at this honestly. It takes a lot of guts.
Unless BM lights a baby on
Unless BM lights a baby on fire, while drunk and shooting up heroin, in front of a police station and then shoots a nun in the head your DH has very little chance of actually getting custody. The courts are SO PRO BM that it is extremely unlikely a father will get custody unless BM doesn't want the kids. Hell, even then the courts sometimes try to force her to take them!
If you really can't stand being around them at all then leave. But if you're really thinking of leaving because you think your DH will get custody, wait.
But can't they decide for
But can't they decide for themselves when they get older?
Have an honest discussion
Have an honest discussion with your DH. The common theme I see that would make it okay for them to live with you guys is IF you dH disciplines them and they are respectful, good kids and he didn't become a different person around them. If that were the case, I'm sure this wouldn't bother you as much as it does.
I am with seue on this, as well as you, I know that if my DH could get full custody if I wasn't in the picture, I'd walk away in a heartbeat. However, most of us know that if we weren't in the picture, our DH's would never think to pursue full custody because they don't have a support system. Men are selfish like that.
The other day we were talking about BM and I brought up that if SS ever came to visit, I can't be alone with him because I can't risk any allegations of abuse because my license depends on a clean record. DH wholeheartedly agreed and also added that SS is NOT my responsibility so he wouldn't even dream of asking.
I think communication and honesty is the best policy.
DH got custody of SS when he
DH got custody of SS when he turned 16 because he was truant. ACS got involved and removed him from the BM. Chances are, the same thing will happen with SD13. It's fascinating that courts only get involved once the kids are completely fucked up from PASing and poor parenting. Unless your DH has unlimited funds for a lengthy court battle and the BM is a REALLY shitty mom, he shouldn't get his hopes up.
BM is very manipulative and
BM is very manipulative and has the girls keeping information from us. Ever since they told me a couple of years ago that the BF was being mean to them and DH tried and failed at getting custody then ($10k later), they SKs are very tight-lipped. Because they don't share much anymore, my DH thinks there must be something to hide. I think the BM has just conditioned them to believe that if they tell me anything then I'll tell their dad and they won't see their BM again or who knows. They actually told me about the BM losing her job and when she got pregnant, twice, by accident. They share with me, not their dad and then of course I gave to tell my DH. My best friend said I should have just kept my mouth shut and then my DH would go on about his merry way.
of course, I can't do that. I did talk to my DH and he said he can't have a life w/o me in it and until I'm 100% on board, he won't pursue it. This makes me feel bad and again feel like if I wasn't in the picture, then he'd go for it. He says I can't think that way and I'm here now and we're in it together. It sucks.