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dont know what to do newbie.

cloud_3's picture

Submitted by cloud_3 on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 4:52pm

Hi everyone. I've been reading the blogs for about a day now, and just want to start by thanking everyone for being so honest and candid. Its made me feel like maybe its okay to feel THIS frustrated, and like im not crazy.

 

I technically am not a step-parent. My girlfriend and i have been together for some months now. She has two sons, and one of then (16) is... just difficult. He has a personality disorder, and it makes things really hard sometimes. I actually work with at-risk youths, so its something i manage in my normal day-to-day, and handle well. Almost all of the kids i work with get well connected into their communities and show drastic improvement in a short amount of time (less than 6 months typically).

 

My current struggle is that i have no control over the situation with my girlfriends son. I can vocalize my opinion, and offer different options, but creating, or executing a plan of action is where the line is currently drawn. The boy has a father figure in his life, who was previously dating my girlfriend. I understand that it is important for him to have a male figure in his life, and for the kid to keep a relationship with the man who stood as his father in his life for 11 years. The issue is that i feel so irrelevant. I know that part of it is my own issue, because everything in my nature tells me to take control of this situation and call the shots, and i cant.

 

I feel as though there are people who are dealing with things similar to what im dealing with and just figured its worth giving it a shot to find a place i can relate to people, who can maybe offer advice. I want to be involved, and my girlfriend says she wants me to be involved, but im the only one who isnt allowed to do anything "hands on". Im jealous. im sad. because i'll probably never be considered like a parent to him, and i feel like as a woman, im less capable of being a part of this mixed family. I just dont really know what to do about it. None of my friends, or anyone else i personally know has ever been in this situation, so im looking to the web for help.

 

Also, im still trying to decipher all the acronyms used on this site so please excuse the ignorance.

 

Thank you.

Comments

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 4:58pm

To help get you started...

What do the abbreviations mean?

Here are just a few:

SM = stepmother

SD = stepdad or step daughter

BM = biological mother

BF = usually biological father but every now and then some use for boyfriend

SS = step son

BS = biological son

BD = biological daughter

DW = dear wife

DH = dear husband

DD = dear daughter

DS = dear son

POA = power of attorney

CS = child support

MIL = mother-in-law

FIL = father-in-law

PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome

SO = significant other

O before ss or sd = oldest

M before ss or sd = middle

Y before ss or sd = youngest

SF = step father

CO = custody order

GBM = biomom's mother;grand BM

CP = custodial parent

NCP = non custodial parent

OP = original poster

MOTY = mother of the year

GUBM = golden uterus bio mother

https://www.steptalk.org/faq

cloud_3's picture

Submitted by cloud_3 on Fri, 01/31/2020 - 10:23am

thank you so much!

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 5:05pm

Focus on your relationship with your girlfriend and not parenting her kids. 

Honestly, you shouldn't have any control over her son UNLESS his actions are harming you or putting you in danger.  The fact that your girlfriend isn't dumping  her parenting responsibilities on you is a GOOD THING.

Enjoy your new relationship and let the parents handle all of the parenting stuff.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 01/30/2020 - 6:17pm

Yes - this. It's not your place to come in and "call the shots". If your GF does a decent job parenting her kids, then be grateful and just step back and be the fun "uncle/aunt" (can't tell your gender from your screen name).

And yes, of course your SS needs his father to be in his life, that's a given.

cloud_3's picture

Submitted by cloud_3 on Fri, 01/31/2020 - 10:19am

She definitely tries her best, and i mean... i admittedly can't imagine how hard parenting really is. She just has these huge dreams for him, and i don't know if hes capable of accomplishing them. I don't want to call the shots necessarily.... but if I'm being entirely honest on this post, and with myself, i think its more that i wish that i didn't want to call the shots. subconsciously i know i need to back off, and just be supportive... but its definitely helping to read these comments and have to take a hard look in the "mirror"

cloud_3's picture

Submitted by cloud_3 on Fri, 01/31/2020 - 10:22am

I don't think theyre harming me at this point.. not physically anyway... but emotionally sometimes the effect it has on my girlfriend, definitely causes issues between us. I offered the comparison of having a friend in an abusive relationship that is constantly getting beat up, and that you tell needs to leave the relationship, for them just to remain in the relationship...

it hurts to see her struggling, and adds a lot of stress to our relationship about every other week. i know you're right, and i should maybe see those as opportunities to be the positive in those dark times without judgement... and im starting to see that.. its just tough and not in my nature to not jump in and try and "save the day".

I guess i also somewhat get jealous. As a girl, i'll never get to fill the roll of parental figure in either of the boys lives. i've never wanted to have kids of my own... but it makes me feel a bit out of place, and like SD and my SO will always be a family, and i will never be part of the family...

cloud_3's picture

Submitted by cloud_3 on Fri, 01/31/2020 - 10:13am

I can't figure out how to do that... any help?

cloud_3's picture

Submitted by cloud_3 on Fri, 01/31/2020 - 10:16am

Thats kind of where i start to get nervous... i'm very much a bigger picture perspective kind of person... shes exhausted from dealing with him his whole life, that she has told him he has to leave when hes 18, and we've decided that since it would be a detriment to our relationship, we should wait to move forward until he is out of the house... but... i really dont think hes going anywhere. And more than that, i wouldnt feel right if he left and started failing, or falling on hard times, but wasnt allowed to come back so that we could move on with our plans. I grew up in a home where getting kicked out was never a thought in my moms mind, and i just wouldnt feel right not following that example. I know that would ultimately be her call... but... thinking about it ending up that way makes me really sad.