Help
Hi, I'm new to this group, and almost 4 years into my step-motherhood. My 11 year old step daughter is a little monster. She hurts my feelings and frustrates me on a daily basis and I can't talk to my partner about it because they get defensive and tells me I shouldn't get so upset. I feel alone a lot of the time, and Like I'm not allowed to have feelings about the SD. I love both of the kids, but I don't like who the 11 year old is becoming. My partner doesn't do much, except "talk to her", so I feel like I'm the only one trying to adjust the behavior that I didn't even cause in the first place.
Now I fear SD is going to be affected by my frustration, further causing damage. I feel frustrated and alone and have no one to talk to who understands. Please help.
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Welcome!
Welcome!
Does your SD live with you most of the time?
Thank you
It's a 5 day split, but they both stay with us more than that
Can you give us examples of
Can you give us examples of the things she does that hurt and frustrate you? It's easier to advise when you have a better idea of the situation.
I can't say anything to her,
I can't say anything to her, no matter how big or small, without her arguing with me about it. She's constantly screaming at her older brother, she yells at my partner, she doesn't listen AT ALL. She takes my things and then argues with me and gives me a hard time when I ask for it back. She pitches a fit when she doesn't get her way. She has zero respect for anyone. I asked her not to do something and she did it anyway right in front of my partner and my partner said nothing, and that was he reasoning when I confronted her about it later... my partner said nothing. I can't talk to my partner about anything because they get too defensive. I am growing to despise my SD and I feel horrible about it. I'm a very caring and nurturing person my nature, and I try so hard to be a good step mom. She lies and manipulates me to get what she wants, even after my partner says no. She has zero device limits, is never grounded, and basically whatever she wants. I can't stand her attitude. I don't know how much more i can take. I started seeing a therapist for anxiety. I feel sick every time they are about to come home. She's mean to her brother, although he can be mean too. She screams at him. She thinks she knows everything. I'm really struggling, and have become anxious and unhappy.
You do realize that the
You do realize that the problem is your husband, don't you? He has allowed her to become what she is due to his utter lack of parenting. And he is doing absolutely nothing to change that. No consequences, no punishment, nothing.
By allowing his daughter to behave as she does shows clearly that he doesn't love her as much as he thinks, His job is to ensure she grows up to be a decent and functional human being. And he isn't doing that. She will never survive in the outside world...
I couldn't respect a man who cared so little for his children...
Hello. you are not alone.
Hello. you are not alone.
(((HUGS))))
Welcome to Step talk.
Hello!
You sound like you are at the almost-breaking point. Sad that an 11-year old has the power to make you sick. You are not alone in this, Im 8.5 years in, and SD22 Feral Forger was like that, when I met her at 15.
This is entirely her parents fault. Here is some advice:
1. You need to disengage. Look it up. Its a process and it is easly customizable to your situation. STOP doing for her, STOP trying to parent her. All parenting is up to her mother and father. She yells at you? Shes disrespectful to you? Take yourself out of the equation. She makes messes? "Sweetheart, can you clean your mess? Oh thats SD's mess? Can you clean it now? Thanks so much!" They will either do it themselves or start asking their spawn to do it.
2. Start making plans to be out of the house when Spawn are there. Start excercising at the gym or get together with your friends. Work overtime hours. Your partner will be forced to deal with their spawn completely alone and might start gettting desperate enough to try to enlist you. Stand your ground and tell partner that "I cannot have responsibility without authority, and since you give no repercussions to actions or punishments for anything, I cannot be involved in parenting your children".
This might wake you partner up to cold reality.
3. If nothing improves, start getting yourself together and move out. Nothing is worth sacrificing your health, no matter if partner has Golden Parts, they are the love of your life and understands you like no other and things are perfect when you two are alone. You can be in a relationship and live apart, while they have kiddos.
Good luck! Keep posting it really does help a lot.
So helpful
This advice is incredibly helpful. It's interesting that you mentioned disengaging, as my natural instinct is to totally disengage. My partner wants me to call out SK's when they act up, but cannot handle when I have frustrations and says it "doesn't help" when I get frustrated. I believe I have the right to feel frustrated. I have questioned myself for too long and sacrificed too much of myself to make sure everyone is happy and ok. I am slowly shutting down. I'm so grateful to have found this space. Thank you.
I agree with the poster above
I agree with the poster above who said your husband is the issue - he won't parent his kids, he won't let you parent his kids, and he undermines you when you try. Might be time to step back and let him take over, 100%. Some have found that once the kid is being rotten directly to their father, and not just to the SM, the father suddenly wants to discipline them.
I can feel your frustration
I can feel your frustration in your words. I am glad you are seeking help because your frustration will turn to anger soon. You have a real problem in your home. This child is 11 and is the boss it seems like. When it is your husband who should be in charge. You need to let your husband know how you feel. Do not sugar coat things even when he gets defensive. You can't live this way. He needs to set rules and they need to be followed. Some fathers let the children get away with things in fear that the child won't love them or want to come to their home. This child knows what she is doing. Her father is really the true source of the problem though. Start with him to get things better in your home when the step children are there. Every time something happens talk with him, not the child and tell him straight up to correct the problem. It is up to him not you to fix things. Good luck.
If your partner does not
If your partner does not support you in front of, or privately, with your decisions and feelings about this mess there is nothing, zip, nada, you can do about it. Nothing will change.
If you don't want to leave then disengage. You do nothing for someone who doesn't treat you with respect. You wouldn't have a friend or acquaintance treat you badly, then this isn't to be "taken" and ignored either.
Don't cook, don't shop, don't help with scheudles, nothng. "Ask your dad" is that answer to anything.
My DH was, and is still, very defensive about me doing any "parenting." So I don't. He cooks, he cleans up after YSD, he provides her input and answers her questions. I barely have any relationship with her at all. I do help once a week, run her to the bus stop but that's just because I drive right by it and I don't have an issue with it. I also cook about once a week when she's with us because I want to cook, not to relieve DH. DH and I did not discuss my disengaging, I just slowly did it. There was a point at which he DID notice and we had several fights (our only big arguments to this day)....I did not give in and I simply said if I'm not appreciated or thanked I don't help - and no, I'm not a "parent" but I am a human being and I have feelings and needs and THAT should be sufficient.
Good luck and start standing up for yourself by withdrawing your effort and time.
It is not much of a
It is not much of a partnership wwhen your partner allows someone to treat you appaulingly. If anyone treated your partner like this I imagine that you'd stand up for them. You deserve better.