Does This Make Sense?
A note came home at the end of last year about ss's school basketball program. We asked him if he wanted to do it and he said yes. We told Bm that he wanted to play and sent her all the info that we had. She agreed that is was ok for him to play so we signed the permission slip and paid the fee. This fee included a t-shirt to be sent home at a later date. So, this Jan. the note came home and said that ss's practice would be Mon. after school.
So I have been sending his basketball clothes and shoes with him on Mon. mornings when he is here and Wed. so he can put the stuff in his locker and have it for the Mon. after the weekend he is at Bm's house. Bm hasn't even asked if ss if he had basketball clothes or reminded him about practice. I don't think that Bm even remembers that he has started practice. Anyway, his basketball t-shirt came home last Thur. and that is the day he goes to Bm's house. We happened to have to drop a fundraiser packet off at Bm's that night and saw ss have the t-shirt on.
I asked my Dh if he told ss that he should bring that to our house to use for practice and he said that he would expect Bm to know to send it. Of course she didn't send it and told ss that she wanted to wash it. So ss called Bm's house Sat. night and spoke to her ex-boyfriend. He told ss that his mom just left and that he would bring it over that night. It never showed up and no one called. So ss calls again Sun. night. first he tried Bm's house, then her cell phone and finally her ex-boyfriend's cell phone before he was able to get ahold of his mother. She told him she would drop it off Sun. night and that she just found out that ss talked to ex-boyfriend Sat. night, 30 min. before ss called her (how convenient). This was 8pm. Bm called here at 10:15pm last night and said she would drop off the shirt in the mail box which she did. However, this morning the shirt looked dirty and ss didn't want to bring it. Ahhhh!
I just don't know why everything has to be soooooo difficult?! I know kids want to give their parents the benefit of the doubt but I told ss that he needs to learn something from this experience.
Dawn
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Sometimes, it's not always the other parent's fault...
What?!?! Did StepMom just say that?!?!? :O
It's really teaching the kids to be responsible for their own stuff. We have this happen to us, all the time, but what we ended up doing was just simply say... Oh well. Tough loss. Guess you'll remember next time. It just got to be such a regular thing, and what I found out is that the kids will expect you to bail them out and go get whatever missed item they left behind. They quickly learn... Uh oh... I forgot something, panic, tell you, you learn to jump through hoops to get this item, and then cycle continues, instead of them learning... Okay, inventory check before I leave. Have jacket, have gloves, have hat, check... all here.
Now the windbreaker thing could have been a on the spot... Oh I forgot my jacket... here just grab something, any thing, because my SS does it ALL THE TIME. You tell him to get a jacket, and he gets whatever he first sees... he doesn't put it on right away, we're pressed to get in the car and by the time you're out the door, in the car, it's too late. Don't know for sure, but that's what happens here ALL THE TIME.
I lived in Michigan for majority of my life, and I know how cold it is in the winter, but I had times as a kid that I wanted to walk out of the house in my pretty little pink new sweater... of course, my mom let me one day, and guess what... I pretty much froze my butt off all day, and I learned a HUGE lesson there. To be responsible for myself. I to this day do not leave the house without a jacket appropriate for the weather
Some boys need a few simple lessons, a few times over before they truly get it. And instead of 'blaming the other parent' I tend to place the responsibility on the child, because after all, they need to learn to take action on their own when the so called other 'parent' doesn't do their 'parenting job'... if you catch my drift.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Step Mom
We do try and get ss to take responsibility for his things/events.
That's why we made him make all of the calls to his mom's house and deal with that frustration. She also has his fundraiser packet and hasn't turned that it yet. I asked ss if he talked to his mom about turning it in on time and he said no. I told him well then if it doesn't get turned in, you won't get any prizes. He should know by now (11.5yrs old) how things are at his mom's house and start taking care of his own things more.
Janice: Oh yeah, we used to have have the dressed improperly problem all of the time. It is embarrassing. Even though I am just the stepmom, everybody at school thought I was the one dressing him like that! And yes, my ss's mom forgot to pick him up from after school care one night. The school called us. We got the principal to write a note to that effect. We never used it though(but I still have it).
Dawn
Same thing but
We're dealing with the same type of thing at the "other house" but this is with bm. BM will "forget" anything and everything unless it directly helps her. BM didn't help one ss look for his backpack after winter break because she was sitting on the couch and didn't want to get up (this ss has a learning disability and is very nervous when he doesn't have his school stuff). BM also didn't help this same ss look for his school id and locker key (on a lanyard) after her week with him so we had to drive him over (he called her, she didn't answer only 15 minutes after they left her house Sun) and he had to go in and ask her again for it (he said he asked her a few times that day but she didn't help). BM is not responsible at all. We've told both ss that they need to be more responsible (take showers on day one-block schedule days at school) and not wait for bm to say anything. We've talked to them about not watching the tv in the morning at her house but rather finishing up their teeth brushing, etc. They have left her house many, many days without brushing teeth. We have a morning routine checklist they use everyday with us (they have a babysitter in the morning) in hopes that they'll get used to some routine and it might carry over to her house so they are prepared for the day (teeth brushed, deodorant on, neat hair). She has made them so many empty promises that we end up fulfilling most of them. It isn't the boys' fault they are in this situation and that their mother doesn't seem to care... I'm venting again...and responding to another comment but:
Dawn, SS will learn from this. He'll see what you do for him and how you care. It may take time but he'll figure it out.
Routine
I have talked to ss about doing the same things he does here, at his mom's house but he would rather be a slob I guess. Here, his routine consists of brushing hair, brushing teeth and making his bed. Every morning. At her house I think the only thing that gets done is the brushing teeth. His room at his mom's house is a mess. I know ss likes to be able to find his things and not get them broken but I can't get him to understand that he can keep HIS room picked up at his mom's house without her telling him too. Ss tells me the rest of the house is filthy and a mess so why bother but I tell him that he can control his room.
Dawn
Once again
I'll say what you said: it sounds like these two women are related! All too similiar. They boys don't keep their room clean at her house. They always tell me how clean our house is and they like it. I'm not out to impress anyone but I really like a clean house and things organized (appointments arranged, routines set (for morning things) and homework time.
It is tough watching dh be a doormat.
I do feel better after writing these posts (venting is great).
This One Drives Me Nuts!
I battled this with my ex on weekend visits. Kids come back in the middle of winter no hats, gloves, homework left you name it. I would just wait out the two weeks. It was not until a school book was left, that I made DH drive the 45 miuntes to return it. When the kids were old enough, I held them accountable. And no homework (or anything important) is to be taken to their Dad's--do it before you leave. It's been under control for about 8 yrs.
On the other hand, my skids (15 & 16) that live with us 50/50 forgot things all of the time and for the past 10 yrs anytime something was left at their mom's they asked dad to go get it. If they left it here they asked dad to bring it there.. like a f****** sherpa- he did. Then the call came and I was the only one available to bring them something... I said no, ride your bike over or have your mom pick it up. That went over like a fart in church. BM called, Grandma called, DH called. And I said the kids have been pulling this for 10 years, when are you guys going to stop enabling this behavior?? I am not playing this game. If it's important enough for us to deliver, it's important enough for them to remember. Once DH quit being the delvery boy, then grandma was doing the running for awile, I think granpa agreed with us and put a stop to it, because then BM Bf was the delivery boy, then BM was doing the running and boy did she let the kids know it!!! Things have improved-- the kids now own it!! If they forget something--we don't hear about it.