Full on Disengagment...ack
Ok, so I am declaring here, full disengagement from SD11 (she'll be 12 next week...oi!) and DP (him for cleaning issues). I will not help. I had enough with the room cleaning scenario and other little stuff and DP's constantly complaining about how he has it so rough and he's so tired (esp. when SDs are with us). I've been super, super good this week. I haven't brought up SDs, except for SD9s TF issue which we were both on the same page with (but has DP discussed it with SD9 as he was going to last night? - a resounding NO would be the correct answer of course!)
Anyway, I will need your moral support in this because it's going to be difficult. It's very hard for me NOT to have a clean kitchen and living area. I want to continue to toss things just left around, and not engage anyone about it. Is this disengagement, or is it just living with the mess?
I can't always work around making dinner for DP and I with the kitchen a disaster from the prior night if DP or SD11 doesn't clean up. Or maybe the answer is I DON'T make dinner then (ok, that fell into place! I'll need to stock up on some cheese/crackers for myself on backup plan).
And what about SD9? She's really never been a problem for me; she's neat, organized, mostly pleasant and WANTS to interact and engages me with her homework and other things (mostly she just wants me to sit with her so she can bounce ideas off me or tell me a story about her teacher or something). She always does what I ask - sometimes I have to explain why, but generally she's pretty great about it.
I don't buy anything for SD9 any more, but I don't think I can fully disengage from her as again, there doesn't seem to be a problem - OH WAIT - unless there IS a problem, then it must go to DP?
Example: SD9 smelled terrible yesterday. Really bad. She knows she needs to shower at least 2x a week (her mom told her this too) and she never puts up a fight about it, unlike SD11 used to. DP was useless. In fact, sometimes he discourages her from showering...."it's too late just go to bed"...so I made sure she showered and after she bounced upstairs with her homework and waited for me to sit down with her.
Any feedback would be great, it would almost be easier if both SDs were a problem ( :? )
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I would like to think that
I would like to think that disengaging isn't about not interacting with a child that wants to interact in a good way. Seriously, what kind of a message would you send to this little girl if you all of a sudden stop? IF a problem arises leave it to DP to sort out. And I think if SD9 smelled terrible you should tell her. Maybe she doesn't realize? I mean if you were with a friend and they had something on their face would you not tell them? Now if she actually showers or not isn't your problem...it's DPs. Kinda treat her as a little friend...kinda reaping the good stuff and letting DP deal with the bad.
Is there a space that you could have for yours alone? That you could keep neat and tidy and not permit them to make a mess of? When the rest of the house gets into a state..don't cook.. just go there. If the girls question why tell them honestly. No one cleaned so you are in your tidy place until they fix it. End of story. You are staying there until DP or they clean it up. Eventually they will get that if they want you around they have to keep up their end.
Although really it is YOUR house too. And the major issue is with DP not parenting his children or helping with the cleaning. So maybe a bit of disengagement from him is what's necessary. Kinda of like tough love for the DP?
I ignored a sink full of
I ignored a sink full of dishes! And am ignoring other crap all over the counter! I didn't help DP with SD9 bed time! I did my own stuff. SD11 did another load of laundry on her own (although it's still not in the dryer...lesson learned by tomorrow morning). I am going to pour a little more wine and go read. So nice! Doing my own thing!
Thanks Sally - that's my
Thanks Sally - that's my plan!
I ignored all dirty dishes still this morning.
I cleaned up ONLY my stuff. All b-fast dishes are now stacked with yesterday's dishes (including SD11s mess). NOT touching them.
I'm good at flinging stuff down the stairs. I don't want to walk all the way to her room sometimes. Too much work for me.
It took him until Sunday
It took him until Sunday afternoon to finish the dishes.
Over 2 days.
I think he was waiting to see if I did them...he!! NO.
I made sure that all were done yesterday, then made xmas cookies and cleaned up my mess and made dinner.
He told me to leave the dinner dishes and that he'd do them tomorrow. So we'll see if there's still dishes when I get home, otherwise no dinner making for me.
He's starting to learn - it's only been a week but it's been working well so far.