Step vs Bio siblings
Other posts have me thinking, again… I’ve actually had trouble with this for as long as I’ve been with DH, 5 years now.
I have BD12 and BD8, and there’s SS7. The two little ones were about 2 and 3 when DH and I got together. SS has always been what I consider a mean child. When a toddler he would hit, bite, pull hair, take toys, not share, etc. Everything you’d expect from a toddler but worse and more often than any I’d ever seen. Plus he whined and complained a lot, still does that to this day, actually.
He has gotten somewhat better over the years. He still drives my BD8 crazy and picks on and aggravates her most of the time. He hasn’t physically hurt her again in a couple of years. When they were littler though he’d hit, pinch, push, bite, pull hair. One time he even pushed her off of MIL’s front porch that was about 3-4 foot high. Luckily it scared her more than anything.
What I’ve struggled with this entire time is, what is normal?? When is it too far and when should you really leave your husband that you love because of their child messing with yours?
I have a brother, he’s 3 ½ years older than me and drove me crazy. I remember wishing he’d leave and never come back. I remember drag out fights. I remember throwing a hammer at him! Luckily I realized what I was doing and before release and threw it off aim. I remember biting, scratching, screaming, hitting…but he’s my full biological brother. My mom would not kick him out or send me off. I had to deal with him and him me. I also had a love for him that you do for a sibling. I wouldn’t have admitted that then though!
I feel bad because SS is not DD’s biological brother and that I do have that option to leave him behind. He’s never done anything that made me fear for her life, but I hate that he makes her so unhappy, I feel guilty that she has to deal with him because I married DH. She does not have that natural “he’s my sibling” love like she does for her sister. My BD12 and BD8 fight also, but nothing ever like BD8 and SS. I'm sure a big part is their ages. BD8 even tells her sister she loves her etc.
Does anyone else have these feeling/thoughts? How do you justify it or do you? When do you consider it to be TOO much?
- Countrymom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I agree with
I agree with anniegetyourdrinkon.
I'm curious what your DH's
I'm curious what your DH's perspective is on his son's behavior.
Is your daughter his only target? It sounds like he may be generally a more fractious child.. and at 7, his level of self control is still pretty small. I would expect your DH to insist he treat people in the home nicely and to correct actions when needed. I would also expect for him to let you know what you can do to "punish" or effect change in the boy's behavior.
There may be more natural competitiveness because of their ages too.
I would definitely try to make most of their interactions be supervised as much as possible. It is also good to teach your daughter how to deal with his actions. It might mean that she needs to leave and go to an adult.. whatever... but she should know she doesn't just need to sit there and "take it".
No, she is not his only
No, she is not his only target, she just gets most of it because he's around her the most. His cousins that are around occasionally get it too. I've heard them say he's a bully and complain that he's there.
We have worked with him since I came into the picture. Before that everyone in his life let him do pretty much whatever he wanted. I believe us "cracking down" on him has helped and the reason for his improvement. But we only have 50/50 so he still gets away with everything while away from us.
I've had many talks with DD and how I understand what she's dealing with and when she should tell me and when she just needs to walk away, ignore etc. I've seen her go to her room and scream into a pillow on more than one occasion! She can be pretty dramatic at times and is more sensitive than a lot of kids, which makes things a little harder too. I have never told her to just take it though, I tell her to just get away from him. She does not have to be around him constantly when he's there. They each have their own rooms and we have 17 acres to play on.
I'm sure that the fact that
I'm sure that the fact that he gets a good reaction from her makes her the most fun to "tease".
I think the more she puts on the appearance that what he is doing doesn't bother her.. and that the result of him doing this is that he will be left all alone might make him a little more apt to behave a little better.
To some kids even bad attention is better than NO attention. My lab will chase chickens because he loves to get them to flap and squawk but he has no interest in actually catching them. if they didn't flap and squawk, he would likely stop all together.
Ha, your are right! I've told
Ha, your are right! I've told her that so many times! But she just says, "it's so hard!!" (to ignore him)
They are both young and are
They are both young and are learning self control. Him for not needling his sister and her for not acting like the world is coming to an end.
If there is too much strife, I would enforce more of a "if you can't play together nicely... you will be separated" threat.
Yep. I don't put up with
Yep. I don't put up with physical violence . They can lock each other out of their bedrooms, choose not to share, exclude from play activities but never ever do I allow them to hurt each other. Serious restriction and punishment for that violation . They are 7,9, and 11. I started early though. Hitting was just never ever allowed
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying.
We do what we can to try and stop it. DH sees what a pain SS can be. He doesn't hit anymore, or hasn't in a long time anyway. He's younger, but way bigger than my DD and could hurt her if he wanted. It's now mostly just driving her crazy with aggravating, bratty kind of stuff, but I still feel guilty that she has to deal with him.
I also agree with Sue.
I also agree with Sue. Consider your daughter's sense of self worth if she's getting picked on constantly.
I have an older sister who beat the crap out of me constantly until I hit puberty at twelve. She too was a highly strung, angry child. I was punched, kicked, pushed and slapped, and it definitely impacted my self image. I became a nail biter and an overeater to help cope, lacked self confidence, and still have issues with codependency. Additionally, I left home as soon as I could, so my mother lost out on having a closer relationship with me.
Normal is whatever rules you implement and enforce consistently in your home. Please stand up for your child. Sit your SS down, tell him the behavior stops NOW, and separate them every time you catch him at it. There are plenty of cops who would thank you for dealing with this brat now so they don't have to deal with him later.
teach your DD life skills to
teach your DD life skills to beat his little ass...... like laughing at him and walking away...
you can't change his behavior but you can change your daughters and help her seeing it differently...
I would teach her to tease the hell out of SS, if he hurts her she should say, Oh SS I know you love me and has a crush on my but you are only a little boy.... no one can say she's being rude to him, but believe me he will go ape shit crazy lol