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After last night, I think I am definitely depressed.

corgimom's picture

Submitted by corgimom on Fri, 03/18/2011 - 7:04am

I won't go into details, but after a long day of work and home, the kids finally went to bed, DH and I took a shower, and we laid down. We were talking and he started touching me, and I said, "No I want to cuddle first," because for some reason I got scared. We talked for a little bit and cuddled and he started rubbing my back (all very gently), and then he started kissing me and making his way down (sorry if this offends anyone). I immediately started crying and I didn't know why, all I know is I didn't want to do anything sexual. I told him that my emotions won't allow me to enjoy it, and he asked why, and then I started the hour-long breakdown where I first stated that I feel like a "bootycall" if we don't really see each other all day, have sex after we go to bed, then go to sleep.. which doesn't make sense because he wasn't trying to get any, he was trying to please ME. He was rubbing on me and trying to make me feel good and any other time I would have enjoyed it. I then came to realize that I feel like a failure as a wife, and that I feel like I do not make him happy. He said I don't make him unhappy, but when I told him I felt like I didn't make him happy anymore, he just kind of didn't say anything and kept holding me. He said he is still happy, it's just different sometimes, and he still loves me and doesn't know what to do to help me. I just asked if we could start showing more love towards each other, with little things. I am going to look into that Five Languages of Love book this weekend and share it with him.

It's so hard to be happy. Even when I am having a good day, I feel like beneath my top layer I am still somber. I felt scared and like a failure. All I do anymore is cry, nag, be unhappy, or sleep. I feel like I don't even want to be awake, it's becoming harder and harder to find motivation to eat healthy or exercise, and I can't control my tears when they come. It's just like I'm in an infinite state of sadness and I feel like it will never go away. I don't think about hurting myself, but I think about death and the peacefulness of it. All of this scares me, because it is unlike me. I was supposed to take SD5 to her psychology appointment today, but I told DH I don't think it would be a good idea. I don't want to randomly break down and start crying while I'm there.

Needless to say, I am calling my psychologist clinic and letting them know that talking to someone once every three weeks isn't enough for me. I want to get better. I am hoping that after my first trimester my hormones shift back to normal and these feelings of depression go away. Has anyone else gone through depression during pregnancy? Any words of encouragement would be appreciated.

Comments

meneran's picture

Submitted by meneran on Fri, 03/18/2011 - 7:09am

Just when i started reading your blog, somewhere half way down.. i wanted just to reply 'Are you pregnant maybe?' .. and then i see the end of your blog Blum 3

I think that the feelings you have are quite normal, many women experience that. Its good that you can talk to your husband as well. Its good idea to see therapist too... anything, just to make yourself feel better.

There is no magic pill for it im afraid.

Heres a *hug*!

panlilytsde's picture

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lifestyle's picture

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