So DH and I had a talk. I'm really hoping that it makes a difference. He has been doing visits with his daughter at his mom's house - who lives in the same community as her - we live about an hour away.

We'd been arguing a lot about his Disney dad behavior so he started doing visits there again. Anyway, over the weekend I went with him to his mom's and when we were driving home, I made the proposal that if he wants to start doing visits here again, he'll have to stick to my terms - aka NO DISNEY DAD CRAP.
We had a very long, calm talk and I think he understands where I'm coming from better than he did before. I told him that I've always wanted for her the same that WE want for our son. I told him that I've never asked him to do anything that we don't do or intend to do for our son.
He said that what I want and suggest are the same things that he wants but it's difficult for him to follow through. She eats like crap at her mom's house so he has a hard time telling her no when she's here for a short time. I told him that children are very capable of distinguishing "mom's rules" from "dad's rules" over time if we are consistent. I also told him that he can't just sit back and say, I'll change it when we have her more because as time goes on, it'll be even harder - we need to make our rules "her norm" (at least here).
We also discussed the fact that he doesn't really do any quality activities with her. I told him that I've always expected him to be the glue between us - because he brought her into this family - and he's not really doing what he needs to do. She comes here and watches TV all weekend or he goes there and they watch paint dry or whatever the hell they do. There's no family activity going on. These are things we do with our son (mainly because I take the initiative) - teach him his alphabet, numbers, painting, craft, talk to him (even though he probably doesn't understand half of the things we're talking about) ... all these things.
As I said, we talked about a lot of things and I proposed that when she's here next, I'll take the initiative to cook kid friendly but healthy food like I do for our son and come up with an activity that we can all do together, but he'll have to be on board to make it work. I told him that I'm putting myself out there to help make things better, but I have no problem going back to being disengaged if he's not making an effort. He said he appreciates my gesture and he'll take me up on the offer.
Let's see what happens. I'm feeling a little "exposed" so to speak and I'm wondering if I did the right thing. I've been waiting for him to step up and it hasn't been happening, so I'm stepping up. I just don't want to get shit on.