How do you do this to your own kid?
I am so furious with BM right now. I really wish I could tell her exactly how I feel about her. I have spent the last few days, comforting SD12 because of her mother's lies. I knew this was coming, but I had hoped she wouldn't pull it again. SD12 was supposed to spend Thanksgiving break with BM. My DH wrote to BM about a month and a half ago about the holidays, informing her that we can't do any travelling this year because I am in my third trimester.
He explained to her that she would be responsible for getting SD12 at the beginning of her break, per our CO. (Sometimes, we go to her home state so we don't make her do the driving and we just swallow the travel costs.) However, this year she would have to get SD12 on her own. He told her that he already made plans for SD12 to fly back at the end of break and that we would incur the costs of her travel. Our CO says that she pays for SD12 to travel to her home state for visits and we pay for her to come back. Like I said, most years this isn't an issue as we are already travelling there so we bring her.
This was sent in the middle of October. We received no response, as expected. She did tell SD12 that she was going to come and get her for Thanksgiving and would be picking her up on Sunday, November 18. She told her about all the fun things that she was going to do with her brothers and sisters and how great Thanksgiving was going to be. Of course, SD12 got all excited. DH and I were apprehensive, as it was less than a week from the beginning of Thanksgiving break and BM still hadn't responsed to our email. Finally, on Wednesday, DH reached out and asked her if she had made arrangements. She emailed back saying she was trying too get it arranged and maybe we should pay for SD12's plane ticket there and she could pay for the one back. DH shot that down, as it was now really close to the day and plane tickets were astronomical. Plus, we already made plans for him to fly in and get her at the end of the week.
BM reassures SD12 that she is still coming and it may be Monday/Tuesday before she can fly in. She still lies and gets her all excited. DH and I had a feeling that this was going to be like the last two times she has been responsible for travel. She just doesn't show up and crushes SD. Well on Friday, BM drops the bomb on SD12 that she isn't going to get her. She gives her a bunch of BS excuses, but promises that she will get her for Christmas and just to hold on a little longer.
DH and I were furious with her. Why not just tell your kid the truth? Why does she always do this? Does she not realize how much she devestates her daughter? So DH sent her an email about Christmas, explaining that she would need to get a plane ticket for SD12 or drive here to pick her up. I will only be a couple of weeks from delivery at the end of December. He is not going to leave me alone for two days to come get her. He told her that he would make other arrangements for SD to fly unaccompanied minor on the way back. Of course, we have heard nothing. We don't expect too. I really hope she doesn't pull this again. She knows how upset SD was. SD wouldn't even talk to her when she first told her that she was going to miss another visit.
It is ridiculous that she can't either make this work or be honest. And poor SD12 wants to believe her mom so badly. It is just a crappy situation.
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I know this will sound bad,
I know this will sound bad, but be grateful you got this kind of crazy BM, and not the kind that alienates the kid from the father. Seems like the ones who grow up with (sane) dad and SM do better than the ones who have dad and SM cut out and are raised exclusively by BM. At least your SD has a chance to grow up in a normal home and come to terms with who her mother is in the context of a loving family. The alienated kids are damaged for life.
But I do know it's hard to watch and deal with.
Prayers for SD
Wow, hearbreaking. Normal people don't do that! My SS's BM used to pull that crap on the regular and my heart broke, plus I got angry! WHO DOES THAT? One time BM even took two of SS friends to ComicCon and SPECIFICALLY excluded him - that was some next-level f*ckery and I will never forget hugging my sobbing SS with no explanation for him.
A sick, broken, wreck - that's who. None of that comforts SD though. I am glad she had you, a sane REAL WOMAN in her life.
I know this is tough and it's
I know this is tough and it's painful to watch SD go through this. All I can say is to continue being loving & supportive to her, especially during this time and create happy memories with her. I think the arrangements you have are fair and its sad that the holidays come around the same time every year and BM still can't get it together. Situations like this just reflect who she is and her actions are saying alot.
I'm sorry SD has to suffer for her BM's lack of effort. Make the holiday as memorable as possible and congrats on your bundle of joy on the way.
I watched my DH's EX make all
I watched my DH's EX make all sorts of empty promises to her kids.. "when I get my tax refund, we will go on a shopping spree.. to the theme park.etc..."... Rarely did she come through.. and often the kids would stay with mom because they didn't want to miss the bonanza.. that never came.
I still would not pay for SD to see BM
If BM wants to see her kid she would find a way to do that. It’s like you are dropping off SD to a babysitter. You make all the arrangements and she watches her. Unfortunately SD is going to figure it out. That BM doesn’t care
To be a little fair... I don
To be a little fair... I don't think that even in my BM's case that it was because she didn't care enough.. I think it was more along the lines of she was not mentally able to do the things necessary to make things happen.. and in other ways.. she wanted to believe she was the kind of person who would take her kids on shopping sprees.. but in the end, she couldn't manage her finances properly and was always in a pinch... or her bipolar (not diagnosed.. but she was very hot/cold) personality would be all grandiose and promising one day and then the next she is treating her girls like cinderella and yelling at them for some imagined slight. This is the lady who literally blocked my YSD's cell number because she went on a daytrip with her dad and I last year.. "you must love your dad more than me".. and I think in her crazy mind..she really thinks that. The poor girl is living on her own independantly and mommy still emotionally blackmails her.. sick.
Let the pieces fall
My ex made multitudes of broken promises to BD23 from the age of 9. It was a very difficult thing to watch and it made me furious every time. You cannot change the behavior of DH's ex, but you can tell the truth to SD without sounding malicious about BM. Let SD know you have tried to make timely plans and that BM is not responding. Tell her what is going on.
I am not an "alienating" parent and tried to co-parent and communicate amiably with my ex especially since BD and I moved to a different state. Holidays were always hectic. Eventually, my ex's self-centered excuses for letting BD down became unacceptable. One day, BD said, "I don't want to go visit him." She was 14 at the time and has not physically seen him since then. They continued with texts and phone calls for a few years, but even that communication became hurtful for BD. I slowly just stopped trying to communicate with my ex about BD. It was a waste of time and would leave me feeling deflated for my daughter. Everything was always about his needs, his schedule, etc. etc.
Two years ago, when BD was going through a very painful and messy emotional time, I finally called my ex and said, "your daughter could really use your care and support, please can you make an effort to physically go and see her." He made excuses again. I even offered to pay for the flight and hotel. This was the very last conversation and attempt at mending the brokeness that I will ever try. The conversation ended with me asking, "what are you afraid of?" His answer was, "after all this time I won't know who she is and she will be angry." He was just creating excuses again...poor me, victim me, etc., etc. Never a moment when he accepted responsibility for the rift between BD and him. My last words before I hung up were, "man up, be a father and grow a set of balls." I've held too much anger in over these years and watched him hurt BD over and over again. He is a selfish piece of shit whose first concern has always been himself.
Fast forward to a few months ago....BD23 is taking finals at college. Ex is calling and texting repeatedly during her finals. She walks out of class after finishing the final and listens to the message...."I think I'm dying, going in for an operation and I haven't heard from you in a while." He lays this huge guilt trip on her. BD calls me frantic asking me what to do. To make a long story short, he didn't die. He was just scared and wanted BD to come to his rescue. Is this the act of a class A asshole or what? Neither did he follow-up with BD to tell her how he was doing post operative. BD tried calling back to no avail.
I hope that BD can completely write his toxic ass off once and for all after the guilting fiasco. This is her choice to make. It's unfortunate that children will still love their bio parent regardless of how abusive they have been. BD23 is still working through abandonment issues and will have to come to terms with this at some point in her life. The ex has scarred her deeply.
I am not sure what you call it when a parent alienates themselves from their own child. Is there even a term for this? My ex is an alcoholic and addict and that was the reason for our divorce. Although he stopped drinking a few years after the divorce, he has many issues that he has never worked to resolve. Unfortunately, BD has been at the receiving end of his dysfunctional behavior from the day she was born. I left him to protect myself and BD from his destructive alcoholic behavior, but he still managed to destroy from afar.
There is not a damn thing I can do in my power to put humpty together again. I do feel that children always see the truth despite how much adults try and cover it up. Love your SD and be role models for what "good relationship and loving parents" are. Help her "feel" and "process" the hurt and tell her it is okay to be angry about it. You cannot change BM's behavior...just be there for SD when she is feeling the hurt. I am so sorry that she has to go through this and I know how frustrating it is. Make your holidays meaningful and plan ahead for the "excuses."