You are here

Currently in my head

cniebs083078's picture

A bit of background information...I moved in with my SO about 9 months ago.  In the rented home that he used to share with his soon-to-be-ex-wife.  His place was larger and with our combined kid count, it just made more sense.  So a few things:

  1. Yes, I knew it was a home he once shared with her, but I did not realize how much it would bother me on a continuing basis. 
  2. Every peice of furniture, dish, towel, etc....bothers me.  As somewhat ridiculous as that sounds, it simply is how I feel.  I am slowly working to replace items in the house that had her awful hands on them at one point in time.  Cannot really replace the house right now.  So I am trying to start off small.
  3. Still I am left wondering:
    1. Is it normal that I want to burn everythng in the house in a giant bonfire and dance around in celebration with a bottle (or two) of wine?
    2. Is it wrong for me to tell him that I want to burn everything in such a grand fashion?
    3. Why do I feel like this even though I know it's petty and ridiculous.

Next, is the fact that she literally moved a block away so I have to pass her house on a fairly regular basis:

  1. How juvenile is it that I flip off her house eveytime I drive by it?
  2. Will I ever grow out of it?

Lastly, can I disengage from my SO's battles (court and such) without being labeled as selfish and unsupportive:

  1. I have been there for him since the beginning (we had been friends for 14+ years before dating) thorough the seperation and now the divorce court battles and custody battles.  Custody he lost and considering appealing, divore is almost done (I hope).
  2. It seems that every day of our relationship (when we were just platonic and now in our romantic relationship) we have had some conversation about his divorce, his custody, his soon to be ex, etc.  Every day!  So I am basically done with it at this point.  I informed him that I no longer want to know anything about the court battles.  Let me know when everythng is finalized.  I want to be completely in the dark until then.
    1. Is it wrong to just want to have a day without her name in it?
    2. Is it wrong to refuse any mention of the court crap?
    3. Is it wrong that I just want this over so that our relationship can move ahead?
    4. Is it wrong to want to want our time together to be about us and the kids and ...I don't know...maybe even about me sometimes instead of him and his divorce and his ex and his drama?
    5. Why do I feel so guilty about it?

Why am I left feeling so insecure?  Once the divorce is final will he just leave me because he is through the hard shit?  I know that he loves me and that is silly of me to think but I cannot seem to help it!

Am I selfish?  Am I unsupportive?  Am I an awful partner/girlfriend?  Why can't my brain just shut down for a while?

Does it ever get any easier?

UGH!

Thanks for listening to me vent as always.  HUGS to ALL

 

 

Comments

amyburemt's picture

When I moved in with my dh, we slowly replaced pieces of furniture and decorations. we repainted. It took me a long time to feel like it was my home as well and not just my dh and his ex's home. I don't blame you about not wanting to hear about court. my dh's ex is a mean mean person and sends him a lot of hate email and i occasionally have to tell him that I don't want to hear about it because I need a break from it. Now his daughter does the same thing so I just keep the statment " always move forward" running through my head. sometimes it works , sometimes it doesn't. 

cniebs083078's picture

Thank you.  Sometimes the feelings I have make me feel like I am just being immature and/or ridiculous.  Nice to know I am not alone.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I literally burned 3/4 of the crap from storage. So yes. I'm going to call it normal. I don't like having anything in our home that was from THAT home. It's different and I was mine to be a plac eof solitude. Plus let's face it. With High conflict Psycho BMs and Skids who regurgitate, they're going to say crap if that stuff is still around. Better to avoid it imho.

In other news. I'm cleaning out the garage today too... Which means goodbye to more stuff I won't allow in my house!

Don't feel guilty. You feel guilty because you feel immature, which you're not. It's just territorial and wanting a home you and your SO built together rather than one with a few of your things and a whole ton of their crap. it makes you feel isolated is all.

So burn away!

Diablo

CLove's picture

Did you have burning ceremony with friends? I once burned a PIECE of a photo of ToxicTroll and DH, a baby photo. Cut her out and burned it. And saved the baby photo. I was nice enough, before she called me names, to save photos and albums that I knew were ToxicTrolls family stuff, and sent them back, figuring they were her childrens legacy. Not now. She figures that she has nothing to lose being ugly and horrid to us. Well, there might be more hiding in the garage that I can burn...!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I didn't... Moving accross the country means I don't have tons of friends here. Though if I find more to burn in the garage I could probably facetime in my two besties. LOL

I can't wait to finish the garage and get rid of the rest of that s***. Considering we kind of just tossed some of storage into there to save time. It's time to be rid of everything. Preferably without DH's help... He's practical about EVERYTHING. I just want an US place.

I stopped playing nice somewhere between the child neglect, psychotic rampage cussing me out, and her shoving me.

CLove's picture

DH and I are both disgusted by ToxicTroll. I am putting together photos that I will display in the home, of the children minus those disgusting plastic flowery frames. He is good about tossing things. He likes new. 

OH! I will have to go read some of your history now...we can do a virtual burn together sometime. Print out the horrible texts and burn them together..lol.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

DH is good about some things, but when it comes to say furniture, he gets all blind and is all "well we can use this." No DH, no we cannot. Thankfully he's finally getting it. LOL

Deal! I could use that! It sounds cleansing!

CLove's picture

Obtain photos online from social media of ToxicTroll, and print them for burning cermony. We have certainly blocked each other by now, but she has several old ones (cant figure out her passworrd!) and I have my ways..(witchy cackle)

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I have Psycho blocked, she was snooping on me. That wasn't going to do... LMAO. BUT, there are so many ways....

Diablo

justmakingthebest's picture

All of those feelings are completely normal. Now, I don't live in the house that DH and BM shared. However, there are things of hers that she left behind that she wanted back. DH didn't send them. Since I know she FB stalks us, I like to take pictures with certain things in the background. Petty, I know, but I have to get my digs in when I can!

classyNJ's picture

DH moved into the house we share now by himself.  I did carry a few boxes and help with heavy furniture but all of it was his...except for a set of wine glasses that were hand painted.  He does not drink wine and when I asked why he had kept them, he said "well you drink wine".   I would stick to a pint glass and never brought it up again.

I would only touch those glasses when friends came over.  I am FAR from a clumsy person, but don't ya know I broke two glasses in one hour??? HMMMMM

Nothing was said and that Christmas I opened a gift from DH and they were beautiful wine glasses that I had been eyeing up.  He personally took those horrible painted ones down and dropped them hard into the recycle bin so they broke!!

Didn't feel bad about it once.

Diablo

Yahoo

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

classy, I think your DH is kind of my hero right now after reading that. He rocked that one!!!

CLove's picture

After all the time you have spent with your ear bent over all the ex-drama (ex meaning child, custody fights, divirce), no wonder you have "ex-fatigue" I have had to deal with ToxicTroll for more than 5 years now - from listening to his battles, listening to stories of her drunken abuse, and how she used to beat on him in front of the childre...etc. They were separated-not-divorced when I first came into his picture, and still were at that point when we brought our relationship to the next more permanent level. She really wasnt anywhere at that point, because DH had paid to move her out and then had garage sale after garage sale, and bought entirely new furniture, gave stuff away, gave her their television (scratched screen but oh well...) Everything was new but the interior - paint fixtures, etc.

So, when I first moved in a few years ago, I replaced a faded ugly poster with an original painting by a friend of mine that I really love. "what happened to that picture in the bathroom?" Yeah, um, its well, somewhere...in the garbage dump...

We are currently going to buy THIS house, fix it up and then sell the mofo to have a fresh start. The house is all about us, his previous life is nowhere. My plants have taken over, my art, our art, our stuff, our new antique furniture. The last thing was an old flaking mirror that I had loved, that he had promised her while they were separating prior to me moving in. The morning after he told me she was asking for it (I had loved this mirror!) I told him, "get rid of it, take it down, dump it off and absolutely do NOT hang it!" 

Of course she asked him to hang it for her, and he refused, nicely as always. It still sits dusty in a corner of the dark, disgusting apartment she lives in, according to DH. Meanwhile, DH found a beautiful NEW one online on facebook marketplace for a really excellent price, and I LOVE it, it looks fabulous. 

Fresh things, fresh energy. You want and need that, for yourself. Because you have "Ex Fatigue".

cniebs083078's picture

Ex Fatugue is exactly how I would describe it.  Although my SO really does try to be understanding and does to some extent, he can never truly understand bc he is not in this position.  Like his $3k sofa in the basement that I want to burn, that she bought but left him when she moved out.  I want to set it on fire and he refuses to let me.  Guess at some point I am going to owe him 3k bc...well...it's gonna happen!

CLove's picture

At deep discounts. Let someone benefit in a good way from a nice piece, and you benefit with some cash to spend on yourself. LOL. 

Facebook marketplace is great for that!

notsobad's picture

I have furnished our new home with second hand pieces. FB marketplace, Kijiji, the local second hand stores, all my favorite places to find treasures that people are done with. My living room and dinning rooms are from a lovely lady who was downsizing, the spare rooms are a mix of divorces, moves and turning a college kids room into an office.

You might not get 3K for that couch but I bet you'll 1.5K and that will buy you a new couch that you won't want to burn!

cniebs083078's picture

I think that is why I am disengaging from the SO's battles.  I want to be there for him...feel like I should be actually...but I am at a point where I simply cannot be anymore.  It's just gotten to take too much of a toll on me.

notsobad's picture

We just bought a new house. Love it! Everything in it is ours, not all new but all ours.

SD(29) spent the summer traveling. She gave up her apartment and moved in with MIL/FIL (her Gparents) for the few weeks before she left and is living there now till she decides where she wants to live.

She was going to sell all her stuff before she left but that simply didn't make any sense. She's going to need her bed and and her furniture in a few weeks once she finds a new place. Our new house has lots of storage space and so I suggested that she bring her stuff here. What I failed to realize was that a majority of her stuff is BMs stuff!!!

As most parents do when their kids move out, BM gave SD a bunch of furniture, art work and sundry stuff. She also gave her some large items to use until BM decides she wants them back.

Everything is BMs decorating style, it isnt hideous but I don't want to look at it everyday in my house! The art work has her name scrawled on the back, like someone might steal it. I've thought about a bon fire but I'll just have to settle for the fact that SD will be coming to get everything sometime soon. I hope!