Update on Winona Chronicles - No room at the Inn...
She's chronic all right - a chronic pain that just wont go away.
Yesterday I come home after a super long and frustrating day at work, and find out that BM has told Winona that she should not get too comfortable, that her room that she trashed is now Munchkins. She wasn't told to leave, according to BM, but that just meant she was sleeping on the couch, so she turned around and came back to dad who was waiting in the truck, and told him that she was told she was no longer welcome there.
So, she is with us full time now, Frick.
And this morning, BM dropped a sick and coughing Munchkin off, and when Winona decided to get up, was yelling at her and telling Munchkin that she "ruins everything". I get a text from Munchkin, "Winona is being mean to me again", and tell her I will call her father. She and I both have the same texting app, which her father does not have.
Apparently, after piecing information together, Winona had a job fair to go to, so that was why she went off on her sister like that - I guess SO never mentioned that she was supposed to babysit her sister. He set Munchkin up to get verbally beaten up. Of course, SO and I get into a huge yelling match, because me telling him his daughter lied to him and verbally beat up her sister was stressing him out.
Well, as I write this I am shaking. I just texted Munchkin my advice - that her sister blames her for the problems she has created for herself. That she needs to figure out how to stand up for herself and stand up to her sister, and if she does this, then she will be respected. I told her "yell back".
Seriously po'ed right now, and am stewing over this new thing. I had hoped she would live with her mother, but knew that it was not likely (2 bedroom apartment vs 3 bedroom house) I know that SO will not turn away his children, and I know that would be the wrong thing to do, but I cannot live like this with this dark cloud hanging over my household. Contracts will not work, me giving rules will not work, asking for a deadline for moveout wont work - she is helpless with no boyfriend or friends to move out and get her own space, no job, no license, and she decided to sign up for summer college classes.
Prayers are needed for this situation to either workout in a positive way, or that I have the resources to leave it.
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Comments
Yeah, Im thinking along the
Yeah, Im thinking along the same lines. I need to focus on career, and transitional activities that are positive, and this is really dragging me under.
SO called me co-dependant, that I take on everyone else's garbage. But this is different than taking on someone elses issues and trying to fix them or make them happy - this is about respecting the people in the home, its about being respectful and its about expectations with repercussions.
Clever, SO told me "everything will change once she turns 18, and graduates", and she hasn't changed at all. Noting has changed. He has no expectations.
Get your resources together
Get your resources together and show him just how independent you can be. This girl looks like she'll be floundering a long, long time.
The other day dh said to me if things get "bad" between sd17 (now graduated) and her mom he wonders if he should help ($$$) her get her own place.
I said in theory I'm not opposed to helping young people get started in life. But do NOT rescue her from her mom. She needs to live with it long enough to know she really, really, really wants to launch. She needs to be motivated to buckle down and work, save, learn to budget. If you give her the $$$ this year she will come flying back to her mom's the minute she gets frustrated over a light bill or a roommate. She will not know how to handle her money. She will be making false starts endlessly. He did agree with that once I pointed it out.
I think Winona is in for that because your dh is not willing to stop rescuing her. So get your act together and rescue yourself. If my dh called me co-dependent or something like that, I wouldn't have that much trouble making this decision. He should be working things out with you, not invalidating your opinions and feelings.
Shes jealous of Munchkin
Shes jealous of Munchkin SD11. Munchkin gets treated like a little princess, but shes a real sweetheart, too. She is very respectful and doesn't talk back, or yell at people, she helps out in a cheerful manner, and she is clean and organized (except she doesn't like showering, often) - her room is always pretty nice. She is a cheerful type, and we have a great relationship.
As I have started making more money, I spend it on Munchkin, I take her out to the park, the beach, or for a lunch. I do nothing for Winona, and now her mother isn't helping her, so its all on the father and a cousin.
Yeah, she's finally getting it together, and gotten copies of her birth cert. You would think the parents would have pushed it, or she would have, but not. She likes sleeping, and eating and watching videos. Now that she is out of high school, I am hoping she gets her license and then she can be more independent, and we wont have to deal with her and the attitude as much.
lol... in combination with
lol... in combination with what I suggested down below, drive the point home with this....
"Think it doesn't work? Then why is it that your sister gets the good stuff I tell you about when she acts the way I'm telling you to act?"
"She likes sleeping, and
"She likes sleeping, and eating and watching videos"
Sounds EXACTLY like SD 18.5. Her biggest goal is to start watching the new season of "Orange is the New Black" over the summer.
He had repeatedly told me,
He had repeatedly told me, previously, that once she turned 18 and graduated high school, that things would change, that she would have to do things differently if she wants to stay with us full time. Its the same crapola, same thing as the past 3 years. NOTHING has changed.
Mine is coming up on 18 fast.
Mine is coming up on 18 fast. DH has poked around the edges to see how firm I still am about that same promise he made me 3 years ago. He has found out: "very firm."
One way or another, I am not living like this anymore. So far he is holding to the promises he made to me. I've pointed out options to him that he hadn't thought of and the discussions have been a net good though a bit shaky at first.
There is no such thing as a
There is no such thing as a "maturity" switch. If a child was not expected to gradually mature over the span of 18 years, no amount of "remedial" parenting will help.
I know this now, after
I know this now, after reading posts on this forum. Its amazing to me that parents are ok with these behaviors. And then ok with the snottyness and outbursts. "That's my DNA-Spawn!" No matter what, they will look after them and let them treat everyone like dirt.
yes, the "my (insert kid's
yes, the "my (insert kid's name) didn't do that" and the "my kid, right or wrong" attitude is what is killing society.
Fathermuckers. Sorry _ am
Fathermuckers. Sorry _ am having a bad day today, just still steaming and stewing.
If I could move out today, I certainly would.
Winona SD18 is not worth all the tears and anger, and bad feelings and ruined evenings, days, mornings this past 2 1/2 years. She is not worth anything to me anymore, and SO has ruined the pure and simple love I had for him. I do not want him to even kiss or hold me right now, I am so upset.
Aw, I'm sorry sweetie.
Aw, I'm sorry sweetie.
Thanks Aniki - It will get
Thanks Aniki - It will get better. Because now that she is 18, fighting with mother, and not being friendly to sister, I told SO that "no I will not be dragging you into any arguments, will not try to force you to parent, but you have to be ok with what happens because I will be tough on her."
DH wants me to re-engage with
DH wants me to re-engage with PigPen. :sick:
I wonder what she'd do if you
I wonder what she'd do if you were to simply tell her....
"You ever think like wouldn't be such a bitch for you if you weren't such a bitch? Try being respectful, considerate, and nice for a change... see how much better life can get..."
Then deny the hell out of having said it. }:)
That might cause some issues,
That might cause some issues, but it would be a long time coming. Or something like "you sound just like your mother..."
I told SO, that I would not be involving him in any disagreements that would happen with Winona, and hes on board with my handling issues myself.
We also both agree that EVERYONE in the household is deserving of respect. But then he comes back at me "shes a TEENAGER!!! Bad things will come out of her mouth!"
"but you're the parent!
"but you're the parent! You're supposed to DISCIPLINE her when bad things come out of her mouth!"
I've recently come to the
I've recently come to the realization that SO is a "provider", rather than a "parent". He's really great at providing, but the parenting thing is just not there. He is not clear with expectations and repercussions if expectations are not met.
We have had multiple discussions on this sort of thing, and I am repeating myself all the time. Expectations, with repercussions. He's not willing to do this.
I'd be willing to bet you're
I'd be willing to bet you're looking forward to being a fly on the wall for her first few jobs... when someone "serious" puts her in her place... I know I would be
Hm. I would like to see her
Hm. I would like to see her get put in her place. She tried taking the bus yesterday and got lost. People still have to shuttle her around everywhere, but at least she has a cousin she can manipulate.
She ended up at Dad-dees
She ended up at Dad-dees work, and a co worker took her to an interview at Dennys for a hostess position.
Dad-dee and I both want her to get a job. REALLY WANT. So he is helping out, and then she will need to figure it out, or always rely on Cousin H (sort of like Cousin It... but less hairy). Cousin H doesn't have a job, is 21, but got her license and a car, at 19. She just goes to school...Winona's role model I guess!
She lasted 3 days over a 2
She lasted 3 days over a 2 week time period last year at a mall candy shop. Maybe she will have learned a few things. Her problem is work quality and showing up on time.
At first she can act real nice, then when the irritation sets in, she loses the veneer.
Yeah, that is the most
Yeah, that is the most annoying thing in the world. When they say kids will do/say stupid stuff (everyone agrees on this).....but then they flub up the second half of that proposition which should be "so we correct/guide/teach them otherwise" but they propose is "so you should suck it up because one day they will magically wake up a different person without any instruction or experience with consequences whatsoever."
Really, really, really grinds my gears.
EXACT-A-FREAKING-LY! Like,
EXACT-A-FREAKING-LY!
Like, that excuses things, and makes it so they don't have to step up to the plate, do the HARD thing, which is PARENT> I really want to buy him a parenting book right now.
He said he "spoke to her", but that was before I told him how she yelled at Munchkin.
I told Munchkin that she will need to figure out how to stand up for herself.
And I also told her that she should yell back. If her parents wont parent their child, she needs to be smarter (she is) than her sister.
You know what? I said
You know what? I said something similar (age appropriate) to SD when she was 14 or 15. Advised her to try to get what she wants through positive means, not negative ones.
She told me "being good" is useless because she might not get what she wants anyway so "what's the use of being good?"
It was not much longer after that that I pretty much gave up on her.
being good "might" get you
being good "might" get you what you want
being bad gets you nothing but trouble
Exactly. Not to mention being
Exactly. Not to mention being good builds confidence and self-esteem and a variety of skills and creates great relationships and avoids hurting people.
Which is why I can't relate to her. Hurting people is just another day at the office for her. That she feels no intrinsic value in positive things leaves me cold.
My mother always used to tell
My mother always used to tell me "you get more flys with honey than with vinegar..."
Ill try that one, but I bet you she will say "I never wanted flies, they are gross!" Or eye roll to the back of the head.
I was thinking about how I
I was thinking about how I would say this comment, while driving to work this morning. Practicing it...LOL.
lol... just wait for her to
lol... just wait for her to act like a complete snot....and until she starts blaming everything and everyone else for her issues....
just look at her with a look of disgust on your face.... shake your head... sigh.... and say "did you ever think that maybe your life sucks because you're such a bitch about everything?"
Easy. }:) }:)
If asked... just say... that you told her maybe she shouldn't be so negative about everything in her life and maybe it would start looking up
I need to be sneaky, because
}:) I need to be sneaky, because she is such a liar!!!
I will practice. Munchkin has been practicing her "come back/put downs" for when her sister belittles her and harshes on her. And the roastings are hilarious!!!!
"You know, as crazy as it sounds, Karma and the Universe always conspire to give you what you ask for, and you have been asking for problems obviously..."
"You know Winona, remember all those texts you sent me blaming me for every problem in your life? Did you ever once consider that YOU have always been YOUR problem?"
"Winona, you want some of my food? Remember when you told me you hated me, and that I am disgusting? Well perhaps you need to rethink that..."
"So, you say, you GET it? Well typically people who GET it don't repeat mistakes over and over again. You need to GET it more, I think, and perhaps you wont have to learn the harder way (just the hard way, because of your hard head...)"
Yeah this is fun!
CLove - you say a contract
CLove - you say a contract will not work, you say a move out date is out of the question for Winnona...
You know what... it's not out of the question for DH, you simply tell DH, fine your big baby snowflake needs to find a job with in a month, she will pay rent within 2 months, if none of this happens I will be leaving in month 3...
I'm not supporting a lazy ass adult, and yes she's an adult.... she can work as a waitress instead of being at home, eating and watching movies the whole day.... waiting for a useless jobless man to get her pregnant...
Thus DH.. either you step up and get your snowflake to launch or I'm out, and by the way - It's not her duty to babysit Munschkin, it's your duty as a father.....
Luckily I haven't seen Winona
Luckily I haven't seen Winona for the past 2 days - she was either asleep when I left, or with a cousin after a job fair. I do not ask and I do not care - the arguments with SO have continued and things are still the same. Still same crappy attitude, still same slob that does nothing to help out.
She's not been too bad, though, although its only been 2 days since her mother supposedly "kicked her out". I asked the boyfriend Tweedle, and he said that because Winona trashed the room so badly, and they only have one extra, that the room was given to munchkin. She wasn't asked to leave and she wasn't kicked out - she was merely relegated to one of the couches in the living room. No escape from Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. So now with us full-time.
I am hoping (and planning) after my new job starts, that things progress to the point I can move on the time schedule you mentioned. Then, SO can move in with me - or not, but its all on MY terms, not his. And there would be a contract, oh yes. Of course perhaps she can shack up with her cousins - they can all go out "shopping together". Ha.
So, of course Winona blames Munchkin for all her problems. I told Munchkin that her sister is responsible for ruining things, not her.