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Truancy Problem Solved aka Whats the Plan Stan part 2

CLove's picture

So, I took a new approach. I sat down with Husband and asked him to be my "sounding board" prior to any discussion. He kept trying to answer my questions which is kinda funny, so I explained the concept of 'sounding board', and he settled into it.

I asked the questions. Worked it out in my head and was ready to walk away from it all right there.

Except Husband took it further on his own, sat her down with her tablet, and asked the questions for me. While she explained in a happy calm tone (didnt look sick at all to me) and I just nodded my head. Thinking all the same things you all commented in my part 1.

I kept myself quiet. Didnt say anything but "I wish you the best, and hope this works out for you". 

Then I did ask what time this would take. "Oh about 5 hours!" 

What about for after graduate? "Im going to look for a job!"

Husband pipes in "and Im going to take her to DMV and get that license and take her driving!"

So I nodded, walked away, they chatted about driving and mechanics of stuff like parking. It was a bonding moment for them, didnt want to mess with things...well good for them, and we shall see, as I am definitely NOT going to get involved AT ALL.

Oh and Husbands comment "at least we solved the truancy problem!" Just kills me lol.

Comments

NotMeAnymore's picture

Sometimes BPs seem to want to be told what to do about their kids but won't admit it. The won't admit they are lost, they don't know what to do, and they are afraid to hurt their baby. SO when us SPs provide some sound advice they struggle and fight it, and then later you find out they did and said what we had suggested. Must be ego, pride, and not wanting to acknowledge that sometimes us SPs are right!!

CLove's picture

"at least she wont be missing classes now!!!"

lolololol.

ESMOD's picture

Your husband is eitther stupid.. or delusional.. probably a bit of both honestly.. he really has no clue how any of this will work and is letting a kid who can't manage to go to class get rewarded with even more free time to fritter her life away.

does he know what program she will be using?  How much will he have to pay for her to do this? or is it free.  Will she be getting a regular diploma?

 

CLove's picture

I brought up "oh hey Powersulk you can earn some good money fishing with your dad on the weekends!"

She didnt take the bait.

ESMOD's picture

Unfortunately.. if you asked the questions in your last post.. you didn't really get to the meat of the issue.

5 hours.. no.. that's not how it works... or is it 5 hours a day.. 5 hours a week? 

The reality is that neither your SD nor her father are equipped to handle this task

Your husband seems inept with technology.. otherwise why did you have to overfunction for him all those years.

Your SD has never taken initiative on her own.. the only reason she is taking any now?  she thinks it gets her out of class.. 

She will not do the school work.

Did you ask.. "how do we know you will stay on track?"

What happens if you can't complete the assignments on your own.. miss deadlines or find online work bad.

What happens when you miss the social aspects of school.

And.. what are you going to do with all this "free time".. work so that you aren't just sitting around all day.

Where will you be when you do these classes.. how much will it cost.. and who is paying for it.  Who will monitor you with the online program.. your mom? your dad?

You can wash your hands of it.. I guess.. but the chance this will succeed when she can't manage to get to class.. turn in art projects? none.. she will be living with you for a few years.

I would put my foot down with your husband and tell him

Well.. if she is doing this.. she is doing it from her mom's.. she will NOT be at our house all day without supervision.  that is my line in the sand.. it will not be crossed.

CLove's picture

- 5 hours.. no.. that's not how it works... or is it 5 hours a day.. 5 hours a week? Daily according to her...with a pause...

- The reality is that neither your SD nor her father are equipped to handle this task. NOPE

- Your husband seems inept with technology.. otherwise why did you have to overfunction for him all those years. How is that relevant? Truth tho

- Your SD has never taken initiative on her own.. the only reason she is taking any now?  she thinks it gets her out of class.. EXACTLY. And my BM/SM friend is telling me I need to just be supportive there might be a lot going on I dont know...

She will not do the school work. NOPE. I give it a month.

Did you ask.. "how do we know you will stay on track?" I kept my trap shut on that one...

- What happens if you can't complete the assignments on your own.. miss deadlines or find online work bad. We dont bring up that kind of things, because consequences dont exist in our world...but look! no more Truancy!

- What happens when you miss the social aspects of school. Thats going to happen

And.. what are you going to do with all this "free time".. work so that you aren't just sitting around all day. Shes going to get a job! sometime...but who then will drop off to job? Does this as yet un gotten job have a schedule that works around the schoolwork?

Where will you be when you do these classes.. how much will it cost.. and who is paying for it.  Who will monitor you with the online program.. your mom? your dad? The class is part of public school system. NO ONE is going to monitor...thats the name of 3rd parent.

You can wash your hands of it.. I guess.. but the chance this will succeed when she can't manage to get to class.. turn in art projects? none.. she will be living with you for a few years. Oh no not in dusty ag town. where nothing happens.

I would put my foot down with your husband and tell him

Well.. if she is doing this.. she is doing it from her mom's.. she will NOT be at our house all day without supervision.  that is my line in the sand.. it will not be crossed. This is not a battle I would win...so shes just going to do her regular visitation and do this new online thingy like everything else, without supervision. But come May and no graduation - thats going to be foot putting down time.

ESMOD's picture

The technology issue was relevant.. because when my YSD diid it a parent or guardian had to sign up and have an account and confirm and verify work was being done.. it was part of the process. I don't see your husband being able to do it.. will her mom?

Rags's picture

The job/task will expand to fill the time available.  So, 5hrs a day will take her 8-12hrs a day to complete if she actually completes it. No schedule, no wake up time, no deadlines, etc.... What she could probably do in 2-3hrs of concerted effort will take days, and days, and days.  By Wk 3, she will be so burried due to procrastination that she will start with the emotional breakdowns and start pushing for therapy and meds.

"But daaaaadeeeeeee. Its not my fault!!!!"

Cray 2

I truly hope I am wrong.

Unknw

 

Hastings's picture

Nephew 18 moved to online school for high school (he's a competitive tennis player and they wanted a more flexible schedule for him). It was definitely a struggle. Even with two attentive, responsible parents, he goofed off, procrastinated and fell behind. But after having to miss out on the family spring break trip due to undone assignments, he got his act together.

Doesn't sound like Powersulk has parents willing to play hardball. That will only be to her detriment. My condolences!

ESMOD's picture

My YSD suppossedly had two classes to finish her last semester of HS.  She wasn't going to the best district.. and didn't want to change to her grandparent's at the end.. and she wanted to graduate early to start working.

Two classes turned into 3.5 (an intro class too).. it cost us about a thousand dollars.. and it took her forever with much harassment to get it done.

She was a great kid.. honor role.. and generally not a problem.

She has been very successful in her career since that time too. she isn't so much lazy as she was young.. and not good at organizing her time.. 

I'm like you.. if a GOOD and otherwise successful student can't handle this without being ridden like a rented mule.. then this girl is destined to fail.. and I can't see how her parents are signing on to this plan.

advice.only2's picture

Well you got your answers, now the rest is on them.  All you can do is set a boundary that SD can’t live there full time after she turns 18. 

NotMeAnymore's picture

Good luck with that 18 yo boundary crap. I tried and hell broke loose... BPs do not see them as young adults to be able to start building a life - they are still needy helpless babies. But for other stuff you consider them as a child, SO throw in your face that the spawn is already an adult (at convenience). SMH

 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

then I doubt you will be a strong online student because you need even more discipline and self motivation to be  strong at online learning.  

JRI's picture

I went back to school as an employed 40ish BM/SM of 5.  I attended night classes for 10 years during which I took whatever correspondence classes I could to lessen the time stress.  I naively thought they would be easier, but NO, they were harder cuz you actually had to know the info to pass the tests.  In class, there was always that factor where one's personal charm might tip the scales.

So, if her classes require a test to pass, it might be harder than if she'd attended class. 

Rags's picture

I did my MBA online.  It was as much work as engineering school was in a brick and mortar University.

My DW was a night student for all but the first year of her Undergrad.  She did her MBA at night school as well.  All while married with a young kid and working except for three years as a SAHM.  She did her prep for the CPA in the evenings as well.

While I was in Grad school she would drop SS off at a drop in day care on her way to class and I would pick him up about 30mins later. Then it was kid/dad cook dinner time, bath time, and play time. Then it was school time. I would log in while sitting in our study. He would be on a day bed behind me with his "School" books and we would study.  His books were authored by Prof. Seuss, etc....  I also had a parrot on my shoulder or on my head.  The three of us were in grad school from the time SS was 3yo until we graduated just before he turned 8yo.  I had to request two Dean level extension approvals since an MBA is usually about 2yrs. Mine took me 6yrs.  I attended on the reimbursement pace of what my company would cover. $5K/yr. I was not taking out loans.  So, 6+ years for my MBA.  Pay as we go is how DW and I did university.  For the most part.

DW finished her dual major BS in 99, I finished my MBA in 00, she finished her MBA in 03 then passed the CPA exam in 04.

Fun times. But oh so much work.  The kid, and the bird, were right there with us.

I have every respect for student/working moms.

Drinks

Give rose

AlmostGone834's picture

Hmmm back in my days as a teacher, I volunteered to participate in a summer school program where kids could get math credit using a series of online computer modules. 

Basically it worked like this: we sat the kids down in front of the computer, they clicked through screens reading, doing some practice problems then the program would administer a "test". The test could, however, be repeated as many times as necessary in order to pass. 

As anticipated the kids sped through the reading slides, not learning a single thing, ignored the practice problem and took the test about 10 times randomly selecting answers in hopes that this time they would get enough right to pass and move on to the next module. When they had completed all the modules, they didn't have to come back.

I and the rest of the volunteers were there just to make sure butts were in seats, not to teach. It was a waste of time IMO but they all did get their course credit in the end.

Little Idiot's college experience with online remedial classes has been the exact same. Modules followed by tests with no real consequences for failing them.

A quick Google search tells me CA doesn't have any state exam requirements for students to meet for graduation? I don't know what her classes are going to be like but if they are anything like the one I proctored then all she has to do is sit there and do her time. She wouldn't have to actually learn anything or prove mastery of the subject. 

CLove's picture

her classes are: art, photography, ceramics, math & writing. I remember those. I forget - there might be a free period or something...

Harry's picture

DH think he solved all her and your problems in one " The TALK".  Session. With  no follow up.  She told you what you wanted to hear.  No punishment, for her actions.    Good luck.  Bet by tomorrow we will be back to same old. 

CLove's picture

And written on them here, many times. Yep. He and her have this unspoken agreement - "lets give Clove what she wants to hear and she wont bug us about it".

This has worked and continues to work for them...until it doesnt. Until shes at the end of her court ordered visitation. Until BM Toxic Troll doesnt get that extra $$ CS.

And apparently its now the time for all the medical procedures, before turning 18..? Shes getting a skin tag removed today. So this "online school" seems to now be an extended "free period".

ESMOD's picture

What do you mean.. "until it doesn't"?  

Because they don't have any reason to not believe you will roll over and let them do what they want.  You have proved that time and time again.. your demands have no teeth behind them.  You may withdraw your "attention".. but they don't care.. they just move forward and blame you for the whole problem.

She is at the end of court ordered visitation?  so?  what difference is that going to make.. you aren't going to be able to convert her room.. even if she stays with her mom more.. she will still come over..your husband will still want the room to be "hers".. 

Frankly.. you don't seem to get any concrete plans from either of them.. they just make "nice nice" noises that it will all be ok.. you smile.. know it won't.. and let them be.

I am not saying that you need to engage in raising his child.. but you need to have a come to the lord meeting with him about what happens at the end of school this semester.. if she graduates.. what happens.. what happens to the room YOU want to use for another purpose.. and then.. .what if she doesn't?  what does that mean DH

I think you are going to continue to be dissappointed by these two.. and you will "chuckle" about her misfortune.. but he misfortune will be yours unfortunately.

NotMeAnymore's picture

what happens to the room YOU want to use for another purpose LOL

I was delusional thinking that I could repurpose a room for meditation, music, reading. I finally emptied up the twins room SS19 and SS19 after two years out of HS because a friend of my SO was staying over from another town for 3 days. That was the final convincing ponint. Room was taken down, beds, old clothes, crap and more crap, all to the trash becasue they didn't want to commit to pick up their sh#@. Fast-forward: one SS19 is crashing in the beautifully redecorated room, trying to move back in ugh! - leaves trash, undone sofa bed, glasses of water, empty water bottles, litters on the flloor even though there is a little trask basket... Good luck with the so desired space... it still has the pee markings of the spawns and it will always belong to the spawns until they truly have their own home and their own SO (and luckily enough  their own "adorable" SKids and other BP to deal with!! HAHAHAHA )

CLove's picture

We have spoken a few times about what to do with the room.

Just not the mechanics of getting her stuff out and when etc.

Currently he is enjoying his limited interactions during visitation (she comes out to eat or get water, then back in rom for talk sessions with friends. )

Im enjoying the peace and harmony while remaining disengaged. Its not in my best interest to ask any more questions. Just gearing up for the conversations about "the transition" closer to the actual date. If I hit it hard now, Im going to get the whole "you just want her OUT", then the blame comes on..."she doesnt feel COMFORTABLE here".

Just so done with all the baggage.