Dog Days of Summer have come to an end
AKA Clove updates.
We got a puppy. 3 months old. I dont like how things went down, but things did end up changing for the better. This will be husbands dog (aka our dog together) and so far SD18 PPDN has been somewhat helpful (excuses why her room is still a mess).
Last night Husband decided to conduct one of his "tough love motivational" speeches. Basically 'dont be like your sister and I know your mother messed things up for you'. BLEH. I stayed mostly silent through it, just listening. I did interject that "hey youve not had a job except for that one I got for you, what are you going to do to get a job?" kind of thing. I did also say "you know its really hard for me to slog off to work every day, while your just here not working a job". To which she responded "well how do you think I feel?"
Whatever.
Today, after thinking about the big talk that went nowhere, I told Husband today is the last day of "Easy Street for SD18 Princess powersulk do nada". Ive discussed motivations with him - she needs to get a sucky hard job to be motivated to better herself so she can move up in life. She needs to have the never-ending-chores-for-free list to start that sucky job motivational push. I also came up with bus riding as a motivator for driving.
Transportation is basically free for her right now - at 18. A few months of the inconvenience of waiting at bus stations and haggling for rides will be perfect motivation for driving. And she will accept a car in any color and be HAPPY> she had told her father "I want a black car, so make sure if you get me a car its black"
I told him that college is definitely not in the cards for her (not right now). The whole FAFSA debacle has shown me that. I ask direct questions and I get the whole "my mom cant remember her password or login information and they wont let her reset her password" etc. Plus deadline has come and gone June 30. All of that FAFSA stuff was needed for the free local community college. She cant afford to pay for CC on her own without a job.
Supposedly her auntie who is retired is going to help her with the "driving thing". Ok, so WHEN? I asked this question and got no answer. Driving is down the line, not in the cards for her right now. She can take the bus with the other folks. Coordinate her bus schedule. Wait at bus stops. Coordinate with her network for rides. Use her Free-gan status for good.
Drilling down to what its going to take to get her launch started = a state issued photo ID. Thats everything. She had said previously that I need to tell her what to do and she will happily do it. Ok. So thats what I want her to do.
Im gearing up for The Talk with Husband. Talking with her got no where fast. She just told me basicaly what I wanted to hear, and when pressed made excuses "ive applied no one wants to hire a kid just out of high school with no experience" sob sob sob.
Im going to lay it out for him. He will do the pushing. No more throwing up his hands "I dont know how to fix this!" Im going to discuss deadlines and expectations. I will detail the burning platform Chore B!tch plan. I dont care if he gets frustrated, he will be very busy with puppy. He needs to find his b@lls from wherever they walked off to and man up and parent this kid. 2 1/2 months of languishing around with no plans and just floating along isnt cutting it anymore. Talking isnt cutting it anymore. Summer is at its end, and its time to knuckle down.
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Honestly.. I think you should
Honestly.. I think you should have been totally absent for the talk... you interjected just enough for her to pull the poor pitiful cinderella victimhood.
I would simply tell your husband that "this is it, she has had all summer off to be a kid... at this point, I consider her an adult.. and I will not house nonproductive adults in this home.. so if she chooses to not go to school.. not get her license.. not work.. that is HER CHOICE.. but it will mean that this home is no longer available to her.period.
If she has a meaningful effort to get into school and work.. payment of a commensurate rent can be discussed.. along with other house rules.. but that's it. she doesn't have to go to work.. but she can't stay here if she doesn't.
her mom has a place.. pity that mom is a loser.. but they will be together.
I walked away a few times
But I should have stayed super silent. I wanted to hear any details of what when where how, so that when I hear untruths I can address it. I need to be able to call him out. I dont want to appear like Im pushing her out. Shes been clearing her room, I want her to get that done. I am at the point where if she is non-productive I am very willing to make it uncomfortable.
dont want to appear like Im
who cares what it appears
Shes over 18 now and you're not obligated.
Is this the SD that called CPS on you? .... if so then yeah as soon as 18 hit, she'd be pushed out (and off to live with her breeder) so fast her head would spin. And husband would be pushed out too if he puffs his chest up to argue about it.
Your home, as you mentioned you pay the bills, so what you say is what goes .... and if your husband doesn't back you up he should fear sleeping on a lumpy cot in the basement
I understand this. How
I understand this. How incredibly frustrating @CLove - I had this happen with both adult male SKIDs. Every day was irritating as they lounged around and I worked very hard. It does finally come to an end if you don't let them live the "big life." Reading this reminds me how HARD it was psychologically. My only piece of wisdom is once she's out- she remains OUT. Make sure your DH agrees and sticks to that plan, make it a mantra if you need to.
Your husband has to be all in
Your husband has to be all in - that's the key. If he won't enforce these rules, you'll just be spinning your wheels.
Also keep in mind the deadlines for spring registration. She CAN start college in the spring semester (typically January) if she's not going in the fall though I still think she can register for Fall and get FAFSA financial aid. It can be awarded retroactively too.
Her husband will not be all
Her husband will not be all in. We all know this... I think this isn't going to end well IMHO. Also... you really NEED to stay out of conversations with your DH and SD18. Not sure why you won't take that advice...even though people have explained time and time again the outcome.
Your story isn't going anywhere. I'm sorry.... generational f ups. You CAN NOT CHANGE it.
Adult in my home
who has said directly that I need to tell her what to do, if I want something done.
But yeah, thats what Im nervous about. Im going to talk about it and ask for some action. He keeps telling me that "if this then that", well I need more than "she needs this or that". I need action.
Wait?? He said YOU need to
Wait?? He said YOU need to tell SD what you want done?! If this is the case you will WW3 before you know it.
Powersulk did
SD Powersulk looked me in the eye and said calmly that she needs to be told what to do, instead of expecting things to "get done".
.
Changed comment... Agree with others saying anything to her is likely a bad idea.. I remembered how your husband threw you under the bus last time...... He let you sit there and didn't back you up!!
I wouldn't take the bait.....
I wouldn't take the bait............
Previous Traps
Previously Ive fallen into the trap. But there was always "Im in high school and have homework". And talk of the future "when I graduate Ill of course get a job". Well the future is now and no progress forward and husbands at the point of "hey, you need to do something".
Ill find out tonight if she was for real, and if hes really going to back me up or feed me to the sharks.
I think that now IS the time
I think that now IS the time that you will discover whether he means what he says and lays down the law with her. And if he is supportive of you and backs you up.
In the fall you will see what happens. What will she do.. Will she do anything or claim victim.. Life is so hard.. Make excuses like her mom didn't do something... Everyone elses fault
If she does claim victim and make excuses will your husband light a fire under her butt to make her do something?
For the love of all that is holy do not tell Powersulk what to
For the love of all that is holy do not tell Powersulk what to do! That will no way and no how end well for you! If you want to talk to DH and tell him what to tell her, that is fine (not that it will do any good) but you telling her anything will backfire. Please back off on dealing with her directly. It has never, ever worked out in a positive manner for you.
I think the problem is her
I think the problem is her husband won't cause he's uncomfortable and she's worried about having a lazy kid sitting around the house for years to come with no job
Eta... Seems tricky because if I recall... I feel like he threw you under the bus last time... He didn't back you up at all when push came to shove.. So what's different this time?
Wait and see what happens
Husbands always been about "wait and see what happens", and lets just wait until shes 18 and out of high school.
Hes heard me say "she needs to contribute" and then hes done nothing. So whats different?
1. No more "lets wait and see what happens". Its here. Its now
2. 18 and graduated and no movement at all. He has told me if no forward movement, then he tells her to go live with Toxic Troll. Theres nothing more to excuse it.
3. He has a new puppy and wants my support.
He has told me if no forward
Good!! Now just sit back and see. Let him handle it. Let her handle it and just sit back.... She can move to TTs.
Don't crawl inside the trick
Don't crawl inside the trick box. Telling you that "she needs to be told what to do" .. it's a trick. All that will happen is that she will resent you butting in.. you being overbearing.. you being MEAN.. wayyyyyhhhhhhaahhh.
That's a cop out.. because her excuse for not doing anything is "well.. no one told me what do do".
You know what grates my nerves is when a junior employee is just doing jack nothing.. pretending to be busy.. but when called on their lack of productivity they whine about not being told what to do.. guess what genius.. you don't know what to do next.. how about at least being minimally proactive and ask someone?
She is pushing off her responsibility on you.. don't let that happen.
this is what you say.
"Sorry, princess.. it's not my job to tell you what to do.. you have two parents.. you have access to the internet.. look something up.. call the school guidance or the DMV for help.. I'm not getting involved any more.. you are an adult. time you started acting like it."
This is right. Unfortunately
This is right. Unfortunately I've been through this game too...CLove - get out of this "trick box." Also note- that those feelings of frustration lead to boiling hot anger and eventually resentment. I am not saying that you will have the same cycle of emotions that I did but after years of this stuff that's what happened. It has taken me almost 5 years to come to terms and peace. You might not have this amount of time needed but a warning - these dysfunctional patterns leave stepparents with a level of complex trauma. Thinking of you.
FAFSA
I asked and all I got was "Im going to get a job and pay for college. My mom cant get into her account for some reason, like her password or id or something." Shes got 2 weeks before fall 2024 starts. She doesnt even have a photo id. And no grant money because no fafsa.
I cant really factor in college for her, based on her high school "career". She barely made it out.
So, yes, TOTALLY agree. Husband seems like hes frustrated. Hes not going to boot her out and he doesnt want me pressuring him to boot her out, so if I can provide a medium place where no one is arguing, he will probably take it. Theres been no conflicts like we had in May.
But like ESMOD wrote - I have expectations and if she doesnt want to meet them, thats HER CHOICE.
The "mom's password" thing
The "mom's password" thing with the FAFSA does not pass the smell test. Idk what kind of lazy fk ups would turn down all that free money. Also, you just click a button and get an email to reset it.
Your PowerSulk is the same age as my youngest and some of what you say reminds me of mine. Inertia, moodiness, etc. But the no license thing is just crazy. Is there such good public transport where you are that she doesn't need it? My kid couldn't wait to get a license. Also, mine isn't super motivated to get a job, either, but sitting around with no job, no school, and no plan is not an option. Your only option may be drawing your line on how long you are willing to live with her while she does nothing.
Yeah.
Nope it certainly does NOT pass the smell test.
We have decent public transport. For 35$ or free she can get anywhere that has jobs. It would take some coordination. But I did it 35 years ago by myself in this area. While having a parttime job and parttime community college. Its what motivated me to do better, because I hated it after a while.
Thats a great question. Its been 2 1/2 months of summer languishing and its been driving me cray cray. August is here. Community college classes start in 2 weeks. So Im going to start asking for husband to be on board with me. Thats my very biggest hurdle.
She will be motivated when
She will be motivated when she finds out how all her $ is going to tuition. It's not cheap
42$
42$ per unit I think. But she can get it free with a fafsa application, the college covers it all, from their website. Apart from grant $$
Idk what a unit is, but 42
Idk what a unit is, but 42 *dollars*? Where I live, you would have to add several zeroes to equal the tuition for one semester, and that's minus the fees. For community college. Maybe California is different. Nobody can work a low-skilled job, pay their living expenses, and pay their tuition at the same time without government or other assistance.
I think by "units" she means
I think by "units" she means credit hours. Typical class is three credit hours so $42 x 3 = $126 per class. Full-time is typically five classes so that would be $630 for a semester. Likely a little bit more if you consider books and fees, which is really cheap. Typically tuition is about double that in other states. And significantly more for a 4-year university.
I still don't understand the getting a job and paying for it. If community college is free in CA, why wouldn't she take advantage of that? It would equate to an extra $200+/month in her pocket (money she will need if she plans to be on her own) and that tuition has to be paid upfront.
Jesus. In my deep south, last
Jesus. In my deep south, last in all measures of health/education/literacy, crappy state, tuition plus mandatory fees for our local community college is between $2100-2600, depending on how many hours you take. Per semester. Granted, 80% of residents within a 50 mile radius qualify for Pell grants, free housing, Medicaid, etc., so it only costs money for a small percentage. But still. PS really has no excuse.
Also, most of the people who don't qualify for govt assistance aren't millionaires, and are barely getting by while working their asses off. This inflated tuition which is subsidized by the government for some but not all makes college out of reach without huge debt for a lot of people.
In my SD's case..... those
In my SD's case..... those were excuses we were hearing from YSD.. re her mom. Turns out she was in some doodoo with taxes...had not filed/paid.. maybe in a couple of years. So... you do have to have filed taxes semi-properly.. wonder if that was the hold up.
Also.. there can be that misconception that giving your data makes you responsible... all it tells the student and you is what your theoretical obligation "could" be.. not what you actually have to pay... if you don't want to pay a dime.. or sign for loans.. youdon't have to.. but it might mean student can't access enough for school costs if you won't pony up.
In her mom's case I'm guessing its the former.. she can't provide tax info she didn't file.
No telling what kind of
No telling what kind of shadiness TT is up to. Though, if she's living in government housing, wouldn't she have to? Idk, probably most of what CLove hears is BS, so who knows what is really going on. These people suck.
Something I remembered just now
A while ago, Im thinking around June when the deadline had occured, Id asked in passing "hows it going with fafsa", and she came back with a rambling story about her mother TT in the school office where someone had to explain to her how it works and that it wont affect her section 8 subsidised housing. Because she didnt believe powersulks explanation, someone "official" had to explain it.
TT get money back, because child tax credit, so she files immediately as soon as its available to file. Its not because she didnt have her taxes filed. I think its because she thinks it will affect her housing.
Yeah, one thing professional
Yeah, one thing professional babymammas and those getting govt $ do is file as soon as possible. It's how they get a big chunk of their income.
You are on The right track
You are on The right track to make life very uncomfortable for them both. My oldest froze after HS graduation. She was Guinea pig so I let it go on for 6 months then I got fed up and got " mean". LOL. Some kids need to be pushed like this. The burning platform is effective.
Husband is in the lovey dovey stage
Because Im supporting him with this dog plus hes also frustrated as heck.
So, seeing how supportive I have been with his kid, and that I want to do the right things, and the right things will benefit her...he knows that she needs to fly the nest.
I remember that 18 was a big
I remember that 18 was a big stage you were anticipating and now it's here. I think you're at the point where you are wanting to see some changes and hopefully you can push the both of them and make it uncomfortable for the both of them... That would be my limit too.. Wouldn't have an adult kid sitting around doing nothing and going nowhere.
Think of what your conditions will be.... No school, no job =not allowed to live there? If she wants to live there she needs to be enrolled in school or have a full time job?
Conditions to live in my home
Thank you for the input. Yes 18 and graduated is a BIG deal. BIG changes. No more threats of CPS. No more mother threatening going back to court. Higher expectations expected.
Conditions to live in my home: I think in stages, just because the excuses all poured out last night.
Phase 1: Never-ending-chores-for-free. Help whenever I ask for it. ESMOD had it right - shes no longer a "kid" she needs to be a contributing adult if she wants to live in my home.
Phase 2: Get her government issued picture id.
Phase 3: job.
I seriously dont think college is going to be in her near future.
If you don't want her going
If you don't want her going to college that's fair, but... what type of job is she going to qualify for without a degree? And will it enable her to live on her own? And if not, will she live with TT for? How long? Will they get along?
How did it go from her flitting off to beach to beach town/her rarely being in your home to her lazing around your place all summer? Why isn't she with her mom the vast majority of the time?
I guess my concern is that a minimum wage job isnt going to pay the rent (she may end up like LI... no income and debt piling up).That's a place no SP wants to be. It's hard to make it without any secondary training beyond HS and likely harder in CA where real estate is so high....
Just wondering what the long term plan is.
Questions/Answers
If you don't want her going to college that's fair, but...
A: I do in fact HOPE she goes to college. Based on her high school career where she barely scraped by and almost failed the indepen I just dont think shes motivated enough to get in there. She'd have to pay for it herself because no fafsa. And she cant pay for it herself because no job. Classes for fall 2024 start in 2 weeks.
what type of job is she going to qualify for without a degree?
A: In our area theres a lot of tourist-based things, in addition to restaurants and hotels and the big box stores. Checkers and cashiers, retail...etc.
And will it enable her to live on her own?
A: Probably, almost definitely NOT. She plans on housesharing.
And if not, will she live with TT for? How long? Will they get along?
A: Thats a big question we are facing because her comunity is with TT, her dog is with TT, and yet shes been floating week by week to our place, week on week off, between the two. Shes been very very cagey and difficult to pin down for any answers. How long w TT? Do they get along? Not really my business.
How did it go from her flitting off to beach to beach town/her rarely being in your home to her lazing around your place all summer?
A: Shes kept to and maintained the week on week off between the 2 households visitation schedule, even after graduating and being 18. Shes not being charged rent at TT Im guessing and we pay for everything at our place.
Why isn't she with her mom the vast majority of the time?
A: GREAT QUESTION! If I ask Im going to get the "dont you want me" flak.
I guess my concern is that a minimum wage job isnt going to pay the rent (she may end up like LI... no income and debt piling up).That's a place no SP wants to be. It's hard to make it without any secondary training beyond HS and likely harder in CA where real estate is so high....
Just wondering what the long term plan is.
A: Her long-term plans are she will eventually move out with her friend group. A few of them have jobs, and drive. Sometime she will get a job. Someday get a DL. Hopefully go take some college courses. Minimum wages here are around 18/hour. I just saw a job posting at pet smart for pet grooming at 18/hour. Full time that would support her, with food and paying rent in a house share. Things are all over the place and willy-nilly so all I am concerned with right now is having a contributing adult in my home I help pay for.
The "you don't want me flak".
The "you don't want me flak"... well.. time to accept that you are getting flak and crap either way... would you rather do it in a peaceful home... or with your SD rotting away in her room.
"No... dear, it's not that I don't like you, or want to see you, on the contrary, I like you enough to want you to actually be successful in life and I would love to see you become a productive member of society.. what I have had enough of is seeing you emerge from your den of lazitude week after week while your dad and I work our tails offf to provide for this household.. You are an adult now honey.. this is no longer a free home to you.. either start paying rent... or your room will cease to be available to you"
Suspicion
I could be/ may be wrong. But, I think the lack of a job is related to BM's rent. I doubt BM wants her working.
As I recall, BM originally didn't want to fill out the forms for college because it would affect her rent. Then it was said she did as she found out it would not. I wonder if the forms were ever actually done. People lose passwords all the time. It does not pass the smell test that the password could not be reset.
Now that SD is not going to college, earnings may be a rent consideration. If SD is an adult, non student, living in the subsidized apartment, her income (at least here) would be considered in determining the rent amount.
This kid is not interested in college. Her dad needs to motivate her to get a job. Yes, she only has a high school diploma, but there are jobs. Not the kind of jobs SD wants, but jobs she is qualified for - working for a cleaning service leaps to mind. Her dad needs to institute a version of Rags get your kid to adult program. SD will either step up or go to live with BM permanently. Either result will work for you.
Correct on all counts
I think thats true as well. Hence Husbands statement that she needs to get a job or go live with her mother full time. Right now we are adjusting to a new 3 month old puppy and shes been given some responsibility.
There are a BUNCH of jobs in our area. Home goods, Petsmart, hotels, restaurants, Walmart, COSTCO...etc.
When I was a kiddo at her age, I was working the suckiest jobs and it made me WANT to go to college...
She should keep applying. My
She should keep applying. My kids got a job at a grocery store. They tend to hire a lot of teenagers. Anything. Get the job and keep working toward the other things.
I hesitated to reply
I hesitated to reply yesterday because I don't want you to think I'm always down on you but I have thoughts and maybe they can help.
1. Husband is revving up the bus he's going to toss you under. Of course he wants you to tell her what you need her to do. That way she's pouty because of you and he can be the nice daddy.
2. She's giving lip service. It's great to have vague plans. I plan to have the Mr retire soon, buy a cabin on a small lake and open a used book store in a small town where everyone will greet me by name as I enter the room for community events. A good plan, eh? Problem is until I act on it it's a pipe dream.
She's giving pipe dreams and knowing her parents, they're never going to happen because .... lazy assed parents breed lazy assed kids. They can't be bothered so every so often they say stern words and accept her vague promises and then it rides as is for a few months. Lazy assed parents, lazy assed kids. College plans, nope. Lazy assed parents, lazy assed kid. Legal ID plans, nope. Lazy assed parents, lazy assed kid. Get a drivers license, nope. Lazy assed parents, lazy assed kid. Get a job, nope. Lazy assed parents, lazy assed kid. Everything that should/could happen this summer didn't because none of them could be bothered.
All your perfectly normal expectations take effort and if you force her to use effort it will implode and you will be the target of her and her parents again.
Protect yourself, make the parents do the parenting while you watch. Because until they do, nothing changes and she can play the victim card while you have the target on you.
And.. I would love to ask
And.. I would love to ask this question Clove.
Is your husband mentally challenged? is he stupid? Is he an idiot? or is he just LAZY.
If not... why on earth has he not marched his little poopsie down to the DMV to get a legal ID? Surely he is capable of getting her birth certificate.. relevant info to get it done.. why on earth has this fallen to YOU to do?
I'm not even talking driver's license... once she is in the system as a legal human being with them.. that would just be a matter of taking tests.. written and driving... not that complicated.
But.. she can get a legal ID... He can also assist her with getting a passport as well..
"he's not good at computers.... I'm better at this stuff".. so what? he can figure it out.. he is an absolute adult too.. why are you letting him put this on you.. just arrrhhhg
I am constantly amazed at the idiots that walk amongst us.. and even they figure out how to access identification... so you do not have to tell her what to do.. it might make it easier for her.. but maybe you need to let her do things the hard way.. maybe she will appreciate and learn from the experiences.. vs just blame you when things don't go right.
coughlazyassedparents
coughlazyassedparents,lazyassedkidcough
100%!!!
100%!!!
The not bringing his kid to get a photo ID always gets me... I mean she is an adult now... technically....but WHY hasn't this guy driven his kid to the damn dmv. Seriously OP. Ask your husband WHY?? And copies of birth certificates are available at the town you were born in and the town the parents lived in.... I've gotten multiple because I lose mine... so really.... what's his excuse??
Realistically.... SD can not do anything without one. So please take some time and ask him....
Vague
Its all vague and out there and non specific and until now no one has talked about the hard stuff. He doesnt want to hurt the fee fees. Until now.
The new 3 month old puppy that shes supposed to help with, she hasnt really been helping, although she will talk the good line.
And its finally becoming uncomfortable for him. For example puppy peed 5 times in the area we have sectioned off. Pooped 2 times.
And she was all wide-eyed when saying to us "I couldnt get him to poop or pee ALL DAY!!!"
Yeah because you let him free range and walked away, and he did it in the house.
And husband HATES the dog mess.
Just my advice and I don't
Just my advice and I don't have a puppy so take this with a grain of salt... I would say don't bring SD into having to care for the dog... We all know she won't do it right anyhow and it causes a scene. Remove her from the equation so she can focus on the other more urgent stuff like job hunting etc
Its all on Poopy, I mean Poppy
Its ALL his idea to have her help with puppy-cakes. And shes been failing. He peed again on the space carpet today while we are at work. She took him outside, and apparently she timed it to "20 minutes" (lololol yah right, probs more like 5) and left the sliding door open (wtf?) so he just went right inside and right away peed.
Im letting her get herself into trouble. If I try to prevent her from helping I become the bad guy in the 'them vs clove" game that I no longer play.
Hes "street smart"
Hes not an idiot, but hes not educated or sophisticated. Never really traveled, no college. Basic and salt-of-the earth.
Hes been a really lazy parent. His culture- the father supports the house, the mother does all the parenting.
Ill take that idea into consideration. Its really the linch pin to everything - the govt issue state photo ID.
The passport was my bday/grad present to her. But Ive not been pushing anything until now.
"His culture- the father
"His culture- the father supports the house, the mother does all the parenting."
That's great but if that's how he wants to live, he should have just paid TT to have them 100%, or with just limited visitation. But lemmeguess, he did 50/50 to pay less?
BINGO!
Yes, anything to avoid more child support. But he loves his kids and wanted to spend equal time with them. But hes the warehouse parent. Likes having them there in the house, but not a lot of interaction, active parenting. He can be harsh, but definitely curtails that with SD18 Powersulk Do Nada.
Getting an ID is not rocket
Getting an ID is not rocket science. Again.. even uneducated people who haven't traveled.. haven't gone to college figure it out.
Even getting a passport is not all that complicated.. I can't imagine that your SD is a complete idiot either.. and could simply look that up on the interwebs... They tell you exactly what you need to send in.. a picture.. documents etc..
she is waiting for someone to spoon feed her.
I think offering that as a present was a mistake honestly.. it roped you into an obligation to "help" and you don't need to help.
I would give her the X dollars and a typed out link to the passport. I would write the check out to the govt as they direct on the link below.. figure the fees.. write the check.. and that's it. If that check never gets cashed..who cares.
https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/need-passport/apply...
Here it is.. step by step... on the govt web site..
Tell her.... she needs to do it herself.... if she gets stuck on a step... then she can call the customer service line...
I did also say "you know its
I hate to say it but I think that saying that to her gives her more ammo to do that since now she now's you don't like it...
Not really
Because now its "out there" and she is aware, without excuses.
But my point is that now she
But my point is that now she knows you really don't like it and will do more of it to bother you... I know you are a caring person, as am I, but some people.... Use others weaknesses against them and I think it's the case here
Which is why sadly sometimes I hide my weaknesses to people that I know will betray them, unfortunately some people operate that way
HMMMM
I never really thought of it like that. Im not a manipulator. I dont think she puts that much thought into it. Like I dont think she purposely doesnt get a job because she knows it upsets me. She doesnt get a job Im pretty sure now, because her mother needs low income status to keep 'partment in beach town.
I told mine BEFORE the summer
I told mine BEFORE the summer hit
Like look here Lilly jr ... you're an adult now and laying around this house doing nothing but doom scrolling TikTok is unacceptable
You not about to be laying around while I do all the work and you contribute nothing
I burst in every hour on the hour demanding to help around the house, complete chores, scholarship essays, schedule their own doctor appointments, clean room, etc
Annoy tf out of them till they think "d@mn I can't wait to get a job so I can have peace in my own place"
The problem with Disney parents is they want to make things so cushy for their kids which sets them up for a lifetime of co-dependency and disables their motivation to want to provide for themselves
Table Scraps
I even pointed out his catering and coddling to the point she doesnt ever cook for herself, just relies on leftovers.
Think she wanted you to have
Think she wanted you to have sympathy for her and understand why she doesn't like to work (especially if you work and know how unenjoyable it is)
Sympathy snaps
She definitely snapped. And it felt more like gaslighting or deflecting to me...
It’s a game she is playing
With DH playing along with her. Tell her the gravey train has stop. Either she gets a job. A real job. Or go back to BM and BM can deal with this ATM is off line also
^this
^this
I might be in the minority but if you can stomach the bumpy ride and have the mental energy .... I'd have multiple conversations with powersulk and have "coachable moments" lol
To the point she'd be so uncomfortable and get so tired of hearing my voice she'd voluntarily move to her toxic troll mothers house or wherever
This is not like where she was under 18 and you feared if you rocked the boat your husband would get scared his ex would reverse retaliate / revoke custody / sue him in court
This is now a grown adult where you cannot be sued in family court and toxic troll nor the skid no longer has leverage
Skid aging out the court system has now restored leverage back to you/your home so that you can speak your mind and your husband should back you up if he prioritizes his marriage
If power sulk doesn't like the rules of your home (get a job and contribute) ..... she can leave and take her fake tattoo kits and her drama with her
*research tenant / squatter rights to ensure she doesn't end up becoming a permanent fixture in your home.
I feel this way too...
I feel this way too...
Worse case scenarios.... Husband throws her under the bus. So what honestly. Then he's a pos
Team Get Er Done
I did that today...!
Yes, shes going to get VERY uncomfortable. I just told her today some ground rules. Her response was "I already knew that, its been a rule my entire life".
I used it to teach her that her father and I are on the same page, after mentioning that Im to be included in establishing rules and that my way rules without discussion.
You are asking her to get a J O B
And become a functional adult. You are not selling her into Slavery. DH must get a grip on life also. If she goes to BM .. bet she will have to work.
"How do you think I feel?"
"How do you think I feel?"
I think I would have replied "You think? I don't think so. There is no evidence that you think about anything. Though you do feel. It is time to think little girl. So engage the brain, pull your head out of your ass, and think instead of wanting and feeling."
Good one!
Extra bonus points for the resultant Powersulk modality.