I need help.. I'm new
So my boyfriend has a very mentally unstable ex, they share a 4yo son. I have been with my partner now for 2 years. During the first year of SSs life she was in a mental hospital. She has tried to hurt herself several times. When they broke up BM took everything from HIS home that theyd shared for 7 years( but she hadnt contributed to once as she refused to work and sponged off his credit card) although they did live together in separate rooms until the council gave BM a house. My partner was literally petrified to tell BM about me as she has SS in her care (he works offshore so away for 2 weeks at a time).. he eventually did and she threw a wobbler, he ended up having to go through a company to be able to speak on the phone to his 3yo child. Which wasnt ideal.
BM got over herself after a few months when she needed something.. he was still able to see SS when home but had to do pickups from her parents (also nuts!! They decided to purchase the house next door to my boyfriend AFTER their break up) as BM refused to see him. Even though her flat contains his items and he helped her move in it doesnt suit her to do drop offs to the house so they meet at tesco.
BM didnt want me meeting SS and has ended up befriending his brothers now ex wife, they hated each other when everyone was together but now they share the brothers as common ground... the ex wife has been taking the info she gathered when meeting me and feeding it to my boyfriends ex, cow!!
Anyway my latest issue and the reason im writing today is: my boyfriend has got an mot today, i offered my car a few days ago to drop SS off at tesco he said no and looked disgusted that id suggested it as BM could never handle him showing up in my car.
Today i said about going a walk back from the car garage, he asked if i was wanting to sit face to face with BM.. I said why? Couldnt you pick me up at home after the drop off? He said I was hoping you'd drive and meet me at the garage
Now i can't shake the meeting her face to face thing as if she'd be ok with me showing up in his car but not if he drove my car?? Will it ever happen or is she too much of a pyscho to be civil for the sake of her son?
Should this even bother me? Should i be ok with it being separate entities in his life?
It hurts that i cant see SS when my boyfriend is working etc like i could be having days with him and allowing them to chat on facetime as BM doesn't..
I absolutely hate the woman but i want to be part of his life. I mean what happens when school starts etc? Would he wonder why i wasnt there when ive been such a big part of his little life from as long as he can remember...
- Cl0zz's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I would be prepared to deal
I would be prepared to deal with BM for the rest of your life, to some degree, and yes, you need to be okay with that. Also be prepared for her to eventually succeed in turning her son against you, like within the next few years, that's inevitable.
Your BF needs to stop being so afraid of her, I mean seriously, he won't take your car because she'd get upset? Too bad for her. Let her pitch a fit in the Tesco parking lot. Don't meet her face to face, nothing good can come from that.
upset
I wish it was just her getting upset!! she uses SS as a tool for manipulating my BF.. she controls it all. Its a nightmare.
Ok no face to face meetings.. i see so much about how SM and BM could get along but yeah, i dont think thats ever happening with this one
I had to deal with the same situation
I had to deal with the same situation where my ex gf wanted me to meet her BD. BD was constantly causing distress in ex gf life since she had custody of the kid. I refused to meet the BD and was called by my ex gf, immature, child, and things of that nature, i have no kids of my own so I decided to break up with her cold turkey. I am not going to be dealing with consequences for other people's actions.
Are you
In the UK, just wondering if your partner has got any kind of formal custody agreement with this crazy lady. Did he have custody whilst she was in mh hospital? If he hasn't I would suggest he gets an arrangement ASAP or you totally disingage. As you will only get hurt but the stunts this woman is pulling. He needs to stand up to her and set his stall out firmly before you get too involved in caring heavily about the child
custody
also in the UK. so there was no arrangement when she was in hospital because they were still a couple at this time.
There is still no formal arrangement in place, nobody has been to CSA or anything it is all just getting dealt with in house. So far i mean she is letting us have SS for a week at a time when he is home and then a weekend before he goes back, but it is essentially all on her terms. We cant see SS any longer than a week, BF thinks shes limiting it due to her being owed less money the more we see SS.
The stunts she is pulling have thankfully not directly affected me yet, it sometimes just grates on me that she is the sole dictator in this.
Your BF is really failing
Your BF is really failing here.
#1- he let BM back into his kid's life and didn't fight to keep her away and only have supervised visitation after she spent a year in a mental hospital.
#2- I understand that he needs to work but working offshore, no matter how good the pay, should not be his career with a BM like this and a child that could need him at a moments notice.
#3- He still hasn't found his balls back from her purse. Who cares what BM will do because he showed up in your car?? Why is that even his concern.
NO MAN IS WORTH THIS LEVEL OF CRAZY AND STRESS.
failing BF
#1 they were still actively together at the point where she was in hospital and afterwards..
#2 This is a good point i suppose, and if it came to it he would 100% give up the job to care for his son but as it stands right now thats not required. Both sets of grandparents stay witin a 5 min drive from BM so if anything was to happen they could be there ASAP. He is also able to get a flight (depending on the time of day) home from work if required.
#3 The fact that she dictates facetimes and pretty much all contact at the moment is his concern i think...
My main issue was wether or not me and BM can co-exist in SSs life without ever having to meet or be in direct contact with each other.. im hoping when she moves on with a new man this will all be a thing of the past but pre covid she was falling into any mans bed so i doubt that will be anytime soon
How can your SO
Work offshore for two weeks and be a father to his kid. His ex knows that he can never go for custody or even 50/50 with this type of job. She knows she has the upper hand in this circus. If anything happens to SS when he working then BM has to handle it her way.
This is not going to get better, BM can continue to play her games. She does not have to talk to you. She doest have to be nice to you. Your SO can not control anything offshore
What help do you want from us
What help do you want from us???
So sorry about all this.
curious
i was just curious to know if myself and BM will be able to co-exist in SSs life without ever needing to be in direct contact or come face to face with each other..
I agree with everything
I agree with everything people have said above. Who gives a rats ass if she gets mad he's driving HIS GIRLDFRIENDS car. She needs to get used to it.
As a personal choice I avoid my DH crazy bitch ex girlfriend the best I can and he supports that. In 7 years I have probably been face to face with her 4 times.
In the very beginning he had to go drop them to her after we had dinner at his parents, I was gonna go with to be polite and I think his Mom could tell I dind't want to. She told me I should stay there with them while he did the drop off and said you don't have to ever talk to her if you don't want to, that's for him to deal with, and I'll take that advice from my lovely MOI to the grave ;)
I'd stay far away from this woman. And I think your boyfriend needs to grow a pair....altho I do get why he's afraid of her. My DH was always worried for the kids and their care while with crazy ex too.
appreciate it
thank you so much for this.. i agree she does need to get her head out her arse and accept hes moved on. im hoping when she does this will all be like a bad dream but when the time comes that SS meets my family etc im afraid its all going to blow up in my BFs face again..
does it bother you that you dont have the interactions with BM?