Told him to fix it or I'm out...
I finally let my DH come back last night after spending 3 nights at his parents house with the kids (over Halloween- my all time favorite holiday. Seriously, I wait all year for it. He even proposed to me on Halloween cuz he knows what a big deal it is for me, but anyway...) . Already though I am regretting letting him come back, because so far I see no concrete effort to change anything but rather just his puppy dog eyes and promises to "work on it". Tonight we had yet another fight where I told him I didn't think he was ever going to fix the boundary issues with his ex, and I'm not even sure why I let him come home. I've told him that in more ways than one he makes me feel like "the second wife" and I'm sick of not being #1 in his life.
So he then sends a text to the ex asking if she was around if he could come over and talk. She asks why and he responds that he wants to talk about boundaries. She texts that she wasn't aware that she was crossing any then defensively says "you can either do it now or just send me an email, cuz I don't have time to sit and listen to you guys babble." Ugh!!! I hate her so bad! I hate her enough that if the kids have to go just to get her out of my life, so be it. I love them and I would be fine if they were here all the time and she was gone, or if she left and they went with her... but one way or another, she has got to get the F' out of my life! This is where my DH and I will never agree. In fact, he thinks I am Satan himself for not being willing to walk through Hell and back just so the kids can be near us. I have tried to explain that asking any non-bio parent to feel that way is ridiculous and he cannot keep vilifying me for just wanting to have a normal newlywed relationship with him that's free of all the drama of BM and skids. Of course I love them, but not like he does and not like I love him.
I also can't help but feel that if he really saw it as a problem for him/us and not just me... he'd have a lot more motivation to fix it and actually be able to tell her where she needs to back off and let him have a life too. However, he is forever just saying, "what do you want me to say/do?" This doesn't help me. The last thing I want him to do is ask me what to say, because that only furthers my suspicion that he does not perceive this to be an actual problem, but rather just "my problem"... That make sense? This seems to be one of those formal reasoning concepts elusive to the male gender, cuz when I explain it to him... he does not even kind of "get it".
Anyway, I'm sure in the next hour or so he will come upstairs and basically want me dictate to him whatever this email to her should say. *sigh*
- Cinderella was probably a brat's blog
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How did you feel with him
How did you feel with him gone for the weekend - because I hate to tell you but she will never be out of your life FT until the kids graduate and not even then - but it won't be so much once they are adults - he sends a text to BM seeing if he can go and talk to her about boundaries - not good - he needs to send an email and then stick to whatever he has in the email - I hate to say I don't see this relationship lasting and that may not be a bad thing. You may not be someone who can be with someone with kids from a previous relationship
It's not that you can't be with the skids - you can't stand the ex - and when people have kids they are in each other's lives for a long time - maybe it is time to try to find someone without children. Good luck.
Ok, that was not comforting
Ok, that was not comforting at all.
It's not just that I can't stand "the ex"... it's her specifically. She's crazy and codependent and has to make everything difficult. I don't see him texting her as the issue. That is their primary method of communication (for a number of reasons, but mostly because my DH is hard of hearing and he prefers it to the phone). He also doesn't want to do it in front of the kids when he's picking em up or dropping em off. This isn't just a silly high school relationship I wanna move on from when it gets messy though. Nobody ever knows how things will turn out when they get married, but don't I owe it to marriage itself to not treat it like a test drive?
I did not say use the phone I
I did not say use the phone I said email - and if you can't stand her specifically you have a huge problem then because she is the ex - her specifically is the ex - I don't mean to be mean but you have to deal with her forever - she is not going away - and how did you feel when he was gone -
I did not say the texting was wrong it was the fact that he wants to talk to her about issues of boundaries and lets her set a new one by texting her to set boundaries - just email her and stick to the email - if DH can't do that then you have to seriously consider moving on with your life - you don't like her and she is the ex - I am not trying to be mean here but I have read some of your blogs and your husband not setting boundaries is a huge problem - either if you have to say I am going to accept that he does not set them or I am going to move on.
I am not saying leave today or tomorrow but your husband is still letting her come between you two and from your blogs putting her first - work with him on this but if it does not change then you need to think of other options or you are going to be a very miserable cinderella!
I agree with Caregiver. I
I agree with Caregiver. I mean if he wanted to set boundaries seeing if she wanted a sit down talk is not a good sign. He should have sent an email or text for it to be in writing but email is better. It needs to be the facts and to the point. Plus once he does that he needs to stick to it. But at the same time bm will never not be in your lives. your dh has to talk to her.
If she didn't have so many
If she didn't have so many boundary issues it would be perfectly tolerable. I was the one who told him I thought he needed to talk to her face to face about it. They see each other almost everyday so it shouldn't be that big of a stretch to have a formal conversation. Email isn't dialogue, and text is inefficient. The major hang ups aren't that he talks to her, it's more that she will not commit to advance scheduling of the parenting time, she constantly calls on her parenting time to see if one of us can watch the kids while she goes out, and she acts like everything is her business and tries to micromanage everything that happens when they're here. She always pawns them off when she wants to go have fun and be single, but then swoops back in like "super mom" with toys and candy to take them "home" after she's ready to be a grown up again. She hasn't worked in almost 3 months, despite more than one job offer, cuz she doesn't wanna work a bad schedule and not have a social life. Meanwhile she lives off my tax dollars and spends her CS on shoes. Am I really a bad person for having an intolerance for this crap?
That's why I said email - if
That's why I said email - if they talk you have no idea what was said but if DH emails it is in black and white and if he goes back on his goals of trying to put you first then you can say look here is why your wrote and you are not doing this. There should not be dialogue at this point - there should be bullet points of what DH expects from her - once you let her talk you already know DH is easy on her so in an email she is not there to influence him and you can help him with it -
You are not a bad person for feeling this way no one said you were - but you need to think about if this is what you want to have to put up with for a very long time - if it is enough for you then fine but I don't think it is or you would not be here!