How do I do it?
I see now how helpful the idea of disengaging can be for a SM... but I cannot seem to figure out how to implement it without so much friction and hurt feelings resulting in my marriage. My DH essentially feels a huge amount of personal rejection at the idea that I would ultimately be happier being less "hands-on" in raising his kids. He can't mentally separate my relationship with him from my relationship with the kids because to him, we are all on "his team". Thus, me forcing myself to "step" back from the motherly role (which is more natural for me, but also far more disappointing) into more of a passive good example to them is like a knife in the back to my DH. I believe the SM's role in the kids life (as long as BM is still around and the CP) is more of a title than a role per se. I love them, but I feel like it's a bonus that I do, not an obligation. I am not their mother no matter how "motherly" I am or how crazy BM is. DH disagrees... he thinks we are equal shareholders in the responsibility of raising "the" kids because we are a team in everything and parenting them is no exception. DH basically says he can't accept that I don't feel the same sense of responsibility and love which he feels is a obligation I accepted when I married him. What do I do? Is attempting this kind of dynamic worth it in the long run or will it contribute to the demise of my marriage?
- Cinderella was probably a brat's blog
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I think we have made our
I think we have made our expectations clear with each other. The problem is that they don't match up at all and a compromise seems to be nowhere in sight. I am clinically depressed and very unhappy with the way things are. We have been married one year next week and in that year I have gained 25 lbs, been sick several times, and am constantly fighting to even have energy to do more than just go to work. I feel like me being given the liberty of tweaking my role in this dysfunctional family could help this issue. He thinks that's unfair and that it will probably just trade in my depression for his.
Skids lived in another state
Skids lived in another state when we got married. Expectations were pretty low for me as a SM at the time I think. BM announced that she was moving here with the kids on the first day of our honeymoon. She was here making my life a living Hell three weeks later. I've been failing as a wife and SM ever since.
wow, my dh would like it if i
wow, my dh would like it if i were to completely disengage with the skids and stay out of it. some things i just can't allow because its my house and i just won't agree with it.
i had to put my foot down about pot. i found a bong in the family room where ss17 was staying and i have a 9 year old. i hate him to come home high. he is just ruining his life, and i had a front row seat.
Yeah, I would do the same in
Yeah, I would do the same in that situation. If that was happening I wouldn't let them in my house. My skids are only 6 and 3 and thankfully haven't been introduced to that crap yet. I just think that they already have a mom... why do they need another one who will probably contradict a lot of things she does and says?
DH told me tonight that he has a huge fear that if we have our own kids the skids will be pushed out or "shunned". We had decided to try and have a baby a few months ago, but then shortly after that he backed out and had a hundred reasons why it was a bad idea. This wasn't one of them. A big contributing factor to the depression and I believe the constant fighting is the fact that he's backed out on me and I feel very rejected by it. That announcement tonight didn't help and just furthers my belief that his kids, not me, are the first priority in his life.