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No idea where to start sticking up for myself

ChloeJ's picture

Submitted by ChloeJ on Wed, 01/02/2019 - 4:56pm

In the same week, from my husband going crazy at me for telling his daughter to not do something for the first time in 4 years, today it’s the ex wife!?.

We had a cat that we re homed to live at my sd’s mums house as we couldn’t give it the love and time it deserved with our jobs, long story short the biggest climbing frame imaginable that takes up half the kitchen was still sat there 3 weeks after it was meant to be given to the ex wife. Since I take pride in the house I dismantled it myself and bagged it out for the bin Men. Well my husband didn’t like that and accused me of doing it in spite!. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m the most quiet unagressive person you’ll meet as I hate conflict but it’s starting to take its toll as I’ve realised you NEED to be strong and have a thick skin to survive the ups and downs of stepparent life. 

When i paused to get over the shock of him a) seeming annoyed he can’t give the cat frame to his ex and b) mentioning her in a kind of positive manor.. when I finally say I wasn’t being spiteful I overheard his daughter say they don’t want it, he then said I’m making an issue out of it and need to not be so serious... yet when he gets mad at me and says quick blunt things he doesn’t see any wrong in it. 

It feels like 4 years delay of petty fall outs surrounding the ex or sd has suddenly started from nowhere. Trouble is, I’m not strong and I never can stick up for Myself!. It’s safe to say becoming a stepparent is the most difficult journey I’ve been on..how do you stick up for yourself without them getting more defensive?! 

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Wed, 01/02/2019 - 5:53pm

they will get defensive.  Two options:

1. disengage

2. bail out

diamonds-and-lace's picture

Submitted by diamonds-and-lace on Wed, 01/02/2019 - 7:23pm

He should be supporting you over his ex-wife. However, all the same, I can see why your husband would think that the action in and of itself is aggressive. It could very well come off as passive aggressive. But if he just ignored it sitting there for 3 weeks, he should have expected you to have some reaction, passive aggressive or aggressive. That's just too long for him to let it sit there doing nothing.

It might have been helpful for you to stick up for yourself, tell him to get it out of your house or else you would get it out of your house. I second the idea of seeing a therapist. Even if you decide you want to stay in this relationship, you need to get to a point where you feel comfortable sticking up for yourself. And your SO should be able to tolerate that. 

ChloeJ's picture

Submitted by ChloeJ on Thu, 01/03/2019 - 6:36am

I can’t beleive the kindness and support from posts on this site, I really appreciate everyone taking time to read and reply. I’ve never looked into therapy because it’s sometninr that’s looked at in a negative form and I’d assume not an important case to just go to see a doctor and say I’m struggling with confidence?

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Thu, 01/03/2019 - 2:10pm

How do you stick up for yourself without them getting more defensive?!

Don't care if he gets defensive or not, plain & simple. You have to stick up for yourself, if you don't you'll be nothing more than a doormat. Your H and his daughter will continue to take advantage of your kindness until you stand up and have a voice. You also have to back it up with action. So whatever you say, make sure you stick to it and do it. The key here is not caring what they think and not being scared of the outcome should they get defensive.

If you're not confrontational it will take practice & time but once you get the hang of it, it will become real easy Wink