You are pregnant and this is YOUR time do do what makes you comfortable. I can't imagine anyone wanting their step kid there during the birth....that's an absolute HELL NO. Your H has to be clear and communicate this, plain and simple. She doesn't have to like it but your feelings and concerns during this sensitive time are more important.

you are entitled to only have the people you would like to spend time with at your baby shower and birth. I would plan the baby shower for when SD will not be there and not even mention the shower to her.

I would not let her come to your birth unless you want bm to know exactly what your anantomy is via a play by play from SD. Sd could even sneak some pictures or something when you’re not looking to show bm.

How old is this kid? It matters whether she's 5 or 15, a lot.

So, the birth? I feel like you're justified in not wanting her there. Many people in intact families don't include siblings in the delivery room. That should be entirely your call. But excluding her from the baby shower seems coldhearted to me. Unless, of course, her behavior is a total nightmare. Or if she's very young.

At nearly every ladies' only baby shower I've been to, the dad-to-be always drops by about halfway through to say thank you to everyone and socialize for a little while. Maybe a good compromise would be for your DH to bring SD with him so she feels like she's included, but she isn't there the entire time.

I didnt have a baby shower for either of kids with DH, but if I had SD wouldn't have been there. She wouldnt have really cared though, and probably actually just been annoyed to have to witness a party about me and the baby so...kind of different.

The birth is obviously a no. I'm assuming that means in the room and not just waiting at the hospital? If shes young she probably doesn't get why that matters and if shes older, uh that's weird. 

I get not wanting her at the birth. I'm not sure I'd want anyone but DH there.

But the baby shower? You have to remember that SD will be your child's sister, and DH is probably thrilled that she wants to be involved. A baby shower is specifically meant for people to celebrate the mother and baby, so it really does make sense that she wants to be there, even if she is a pain in the arse.

You can 100% dictate who is at the birth. You could ban SD from the baby shower, but you're likely to upset your DH and his family if everyone else is invited BUT her. THAT will likely cause more problems than having her involved.

You do need to talk to your DH about your feelings. You can approach it from " it's great that she is excited and involved, but I have boundaries and needs as the pregnant one here". You can keep her from the birth, but likely not from the baby shower without a pretty big fight. You should address with DH that you don't want every word of your new child getting back to BM. If he is a good husband, he will understand. If he isn't a good husband, you have bigger fish to fry.

Remember, you're in a relationship with DH. Doing something underhanded like purposefully hosting events so SD can't be involved will erode your marriage. You have to come to a compromise, which means BOTH of you giving something that you may not want to.

OK first of all my biggest pet peve and always share with others since I have been there.  You are NOT Molly Maid.  I made that mistake and thought I was being a help to DW and two SS's ... Oh boy did I allow them to exploit. 

Root cause here ... And I need to blog on my experience with this as it seems to afflict so many of us.  Sit down with DH in private.  Let him know that you are pleased that SD13 is excited and you want her to bond with her new sibling.  However, you and DH both need to clearly understand each other's thinking and boundaries.  There is Nothing even remotely wrong with not wanting SD at a shower and oh Hell to da No on delivery.   Suggest that you can engage her other ways but that you need DH to reach a firm understanding so that you Both explain to SD that you really want her to (fill in the blank ... Help setup a nursery the way youy want it; help you clean the house in preparation and orgainze; teach her to use the clothes washer so she can be a great big sister and help out).  

I may be too optimistic but truly believe the level setting with DH and you two setting clear expectations with SD will keep peace but will also prevent more spiriling.  Good luck and I'm sure everyone here wishes a health and happy baby and a good sibling relationship in the future.

If there are going to be no other kids at the baby shower, just tell her it's for adults, only.

What, exactly, do you mean that she wants to be "at the birth"? In the delivery room (which would be a weird thing for her to want) or just at the hospital?

I can see her wanting to be at the babyshower. She is excited for the sibiling. That is one that you probably need to suck up and deal with it. Have your MIL/SIL or someone take her for the night after the shower so you and DH can go through the gifts and take some time together after.

As for birth, um, no. Once again, she can come when you welcome the rest of the family to see the baby. 

I get you. My SD (10) was trying to name our kid, and I put a stop to that. Don't want my first born to have some stupid or crap name. She won't be naming my baby girl, won't be at the baby shower and won't be at the birth. I drew that line ages ago. 

Along the lines of other commenters, if there are going to be other children at the shower, sure, have her come. If not, tell her it's adults only. 

My SD was 10 and did attend my shower. There were other kids there her age and to be honest, I didn't think about it much. The two of us had been hot and cold (and still are) and I get anxiety not knowing what kind of mood she'd be in. The shower was great and she seemed excited and interested to even sit at the table with me and wanted to help pass gifts to me. 

Fast forward to Labor Day. I did not want her there. Come on, she was 10. And technically the hospital had rules about children being in the delivery room. Well, BM was up to her shiz again and didn't pick up SD in time and then complained that the hospital was too far away and was trying to get DH to meet her half way - what?!? Well, in the end, SD ended up being there for the birth. (The hospital staff was understanding) Awkward at first and then I didn't really pay attention. We kept her up by my head but I think she was curious and looked. Now we joke about it when she gets grossed out by little things. 

To this day am I thrilled that she was in the delivery room? No. Would I want it to happen again? No. Is it going to happen again (I'm currently 34wks)? He'll no! But was it precious to see her so smitten with her new sister? Yes, but that can also happen NOT IN THE DELIVERY ROOM!