Am I too jealous?
My boyfriend loves to shower me with compliments- He makes me feel to be the most important, most beautiful person in the world to him and I really appreciate this so much, as no one has ever been that way with me before.
However, and I know this is going to sound ridiculous at first but hear me out entirely, When his daughter is around he will say to me, " you are the second most beautiful person to me. First my daughter, then you. " So this I can understand, b/c his daughter is 10 and she needs to feel to be first in her daddy's life. I get it. But what I don't like hearing is when his daughter or son is around he will say to them, " You two and your mother are and will always be the most important people in my life." Even though he can't stand his ex, he say's she will always be important b/c she's the mother of his kids. I understand that too, but I guess my feelings are just hurt and I'm confused by his words. When i'm around it's like no one else exists and I am the most everything to him, however as soon as his kids come around he changes his story and will even go as far as talking about the importance of his ex! I guess I just don't like being out on a list, as he will really go as far as saying this: "Out of the 5 most important people in my life, " you are number 3." And again, he only says these things around his kids.
Am I being overly sensitive? I probably am.
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He only says this about his
He only says this about his ex b/c he feels guilty for "leaving" the family. So when the kids are around, he has to reassure them that they ALL are the most important people in his life. Of course I understand that his family (kids and the mother of his children ) are important but his delivery of his message is just wrong I think... He has a weird way of expressing himself- he's known for having a bad delivery of words actually.
>>>" You two and your mother
>>>" You two and your mother are and will always be the most important people in my life."<<<
Quite honestly, if my DH said this, he would out of my life. I simply don't have the time or patience for that crap game.
O M F G! I totally agree
:jawdrop:
O M F G! I totally agree with twopines.... If my man said that crazy shit to me he'd be completely out of my life! That's CRAZY!
In my house...I have two VERY VERY VERY VERY needy SD's (4 & 6) that come every other weekend. My DH was married to their mother for 7 years. And he's seriously guilt stricken... In my house there's also, our 7 month old son, and a baby on the way.
When I first met my DH, he was guilty daddy to the max and constantly said "My daugther's are #1, they're my world..." I told him that's all well and good but 1. I want a family and 2. I want to be someone's #1, and equal and if he didn't feel he could accept that, we're not meant for eachother...
When his daugthers start asking who he loves more he says "I love each and every one of you the same. I love you, I love you, I love the baby, the new baby and Ally (me) soooooooooooooooo much."
Even though because of his guilt he "favors" his daugthers, it's NEVER verbally admitted or spoken of. Hell no. I wouldn't stand for it.
His kids should be #1 in his
His kids should be #1 in his life and props to you for realizing that....however...the ex crap needs to stop. What is he trying to accomplish? A false sense of connection between himself and her to confuse the kids in the future? What happens when boyfriend turns to husband and, lord help you, you become a stepmom? A line will have already been drawn in the sand. As I said, he is right to hold his children in high priority, but you deserve a consistant priority level too.
Disagree and dislike.Putting
Disagree and dislike.Putting you after his children is not gonna work for long.My kids are a top priority in regards of their needs and safety, too, but I would never put SO behind them!If I would I wouldn't bother being in a serious rs.
IMO, the couple need to put
IMO, the couple need to put each other top priority in each other's lives in order for ANY family to function well, step or bio family.
Your boyfriend does not actually need to be putting his loved ones on a list of who's most precious and important to him - this is distasteful and demeaning to the people on the list. He is doing this to boost his own fragile sense of self and to make the people on the list feel insecure and that they need to jostle with each other for top position. Like jealous courtiers in a king's court!
My advice would be to tell him that you do NOT want to hear him doing this again. It is childish and manipulative.
Not only is putting his ex on
Not only is putting his ex on that list AND leaving you out in front of the kids disrespectful and hurtful, but he's also confusing those kids. Bet they are just lost as to why she's so darn important they aren't together and then they'll stay in the mindset of "someday mommy and daddy will get back together". Heck I'd be royally ticked if my ex said this to my kids and around his gf just because of the level of disrespect that shows. If my SO ever said that his ex is important to him he'd be packing his stuff. I'm second to no one but their bio kids (in terms of needs and safety simply cause I'm a grown up and can handle that myself) but relationship wise? See my signature.
Wow. What a douche. He needs
Wow. What a douche. He needs to cut the crap.
That's seriously messed up
That's seriously messed up and will not fly with me. I have stepkids and we have kids together and we come first. The adults, relationship- that is the priority. None of the kids are neglected of course, but wow. And bm? Not even on the list of important people!
What stepaside said.
What stepaside said.
Thank you BlueBelle, He has
Thank you BlueBelle,
He has been my boyfriend for 2 years now, although I did not met his kids until 7 months ago. He wanted to make sure we were a serious item before he got me involved in their lives. I understand that, and also understand his desire to make them feel to be #1. I just think he does it in a weird way. I try to overlook it b/c he is known for not having great delivery of his words even though his intentions are good, but it's gotten to the point lately where I want to say something. After reading all the advice on here, I will say something to him and let him know it offends me to be on a ranked list, from beauty to importance. I think it's his way of over compensating for the guilt he feels for divorcing the mom. He suffers a lot of guilt about "leaving" the family and reassuring his love for them in front of me on a ranked list just is his way of not feeling as guilty, I believe.
Thanks Ms. Beans. That made
Thanks Ms. Beans. That made me laugh.
Oh that's good.
Oh that's good.
without be judgmental to him,
without be judgmental to him, and without him thinking it's about you, you should say to him one day outta the blue, "you know when you tell the kids their mom is #1 in your life, you should stop saying that because kids are very impressionable and by saying these things, they are going to think that you and your ex are getting back together. It's every child's wish, and I think you are confusing them."
As for your ?, yes, I would be very hurt too. And not for nothing, I know too that my SD is everything in DH life BUT it pisses me off when he does it too. Yesterday, we were in the mall and I saw stopped to look at a beautiful pink heartnecklace and he says, that would be nice for SD, I was so pissed...
WTF???? Ask him how he'd like
WTF???? Ask him how he'd like a numerical category in your life. What a douche.
This is not jealousy on your part. This is him being inappropriate. Then to say that his ex is more important too??