To clarify on the contact with bioM
so, I came into this relationship 2 1/2 year ago when SS was 3. He was fine with me at the beginning, but it almost seemed like when bioM realized I wasn’t a fling, all of the sudden SS would say things like he doesn’t want to come over with me. He is possibly ADHD, neither of his bio parents have gotten him officially tested and diagnosed. So some of the behaviors he has could be from that, but he has told us before that bioM told him he doesn’t like me. I found out I was pregnant (which we thought was not possible) about 6 months into the relationship. From that point on bioM has done anything she can to try and make my DH angry at me about something to do with SS. This includes telling DH that SS is not to call my family by titles such as Grandma, Aunt, or Uncle So and So. She is not close with her family, so my family has been more a part of SS life in the time DH and I have been together than her family has his entire life, but she claims it isn’t fair to his “real” family. Who says that? I’m fed up with her, and knowing we have to deal with her for the next 13 years just infuriates me even more. So... when bioM has SS, she will go days without letting DH talk to him. DH only calls once a day to ask him how his day was and tell him good night and she can’t even give him that. He use to txt and ask how he was but she rarely replied so he stopped and I expected that to be a two way street. But, when we have SS, bioM txt constantly, both myself and DH. How is he? What’s he up to? Did you take him to the park? Did you do something fun with him today? And if we respond she goes more into asking for details. He asked her to stop with that, that SS will call her every night to talk. Did she? Hell no. She just continues to txt with no response and is now playing the victim acting like she just doesn’t understand. It’s not about revenge for what she does when she has SS, he asked her to respect that this is our time with him and just leave us alone. We would never keep him from calling her everyday. But she wants to spin it like that’s exactly what we are doing. There is no CO in place so the split between households is sporadic and mostly on what bioM decides. It literally has to be a fight for us to get him when it best suits us rather than her. DH works a lot so we try to have SS when he has down time or weeks that he has multiple days off. Tell me if you think I’m being ridiculous about the constant txt. I get it that she misses him when we have him, but we have a life going on when we have him and I’d rather not spend the day txting her over spending that time watching my kids. Even a quick yes response turns into a full blown conversation... it’s just too much for me
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not cool
I personally think how the bio mom is acting is out of line. she should respect the boundaries you guys have put in place. We had a similar problem with the bio mom, texting at all hours, having really inappropriate requests. My partner just put in a really clear boundary, and every time she attempted to cross it he just responded with another firm boundary. They also sat down and made a parenting plan, which involved when and how contact would look like. Admittedly things still arent perfect, but it's good to know what the rules of engagement are at least
Parenting Plan
Is that something legally binding? Or just something they came up with and agree on and use as a basis for the time and communication?
You need a custody order
DH needs to get a court ordered custody order in place. It will establish boundaries and address all of your concerns. If she chooses not to honor it, he will have a better chance of making her comply if it is all in writing and approved by the court.
They can come to terms themselves, or with the help of a mediator, or with lawyers, but the final product needs to go through the court.
Your DH needs to get a court
Your DH needs to get a court-ordered visitation schedule in place.
In the meantime, he can treat BM as if there’s already one in place, by enforcing clear and consistent boundaries (which sounds like he’s already kinda sorta attempting to do).
He absolutely needs to ignore her texts. Regarding phone calls - she gets ONE call, per day, with the child on dad’s time. That does not mean y’all wait around for her to call you guys - your DH informs BM when that phone call happens and he strictly sticks to it.
In successful co-parenting, no one person calls all the shots. I mean, they can try all they want, but that nonsense doesn’t fly. He needs to assert himself in order to make it work for him too. Children thrive where there’s consistency and a pretty normal schedule.