I am new here, and have been struggling with my duties as a step mom for 7 years now, and just didn't know where to turn when I stumbled across this site. I will try to be quick with a short bio of myself first...I am a 35 yr old Mom with a beautiful 15 yr old daughter and a beautiful 2 yr old daughter. I also have 2 step children who live with me. They are a 14 yr old step son, and a 16 yr old step daughter. Their bm has not been in their lives for over 2 yrs now. She is constantly moving and changing phone numbers, and changing men constantly!! My husband (their bf) is an over the road truck driver and is only home with us 4 days a month! So I am the one that is left here to raise their kids!! I have so much resentment towards their bm for not being in their lives, because I feel she has taken the easy way out, and has been left with no responsibilities. She isn't here to deal with their behavior problems, so I have to be. And my husband is rarely ever home, so he isn't here to deal with his kids either!! I feel so trapped. And I feel so angry because I don't want to deal with their problems, and it takes time away from my own kids, and puts a strain on their lives as well!! My step kids bm has a court order to pay support, but we never see it. Every month it's less and less that we receive, and the courts keep telling us that they can't do anything as long as she is paying something! The courts tell us since our economy is so bad, they can't hold her in contempt for not paying the full amount, because she is making payments. I think it's a joke, because this month we received a whole $10.00 from her...And she is supposed to be paying us $377.00 a month. They keep letting her get away with it!! And then she doesn't even have the time or desire to be in their lives, and help deal with their problems. It is just all left on me. And I get so frustrated with my husband because I also have to deal with all of the court issues, documents, and keep him posted on everything, and tell him when he needs to call and question domestics about an issue. It's his ex-wife, not mine, and they're his kids, not mine!!
When my husband and I first got together 7 yrs ago, April 2002 he was home everyday, and I still had to be the one to take care of his kids, and discipline them, or tell him to. He would always ignore their behaviors, and whenever I would aproach him about it, he would just always say "well what should I do?" Seriously?? Are you kidding me?? They are you're kids, and you don't know how to be a parent?? WOW!! I guess that should have been a huge red flag for me. But at that time he seemed genuine about wanting to be a good father, and wanting me to be there for him and help him through. So me, being the person I am, stayed and thought things would change for the better. He left his job where he was home with us everyday, for a driving job where is was home everyday but at weird hours. Then a couple months later he decided to stay out for 3-5 days at a time. But spent much of each weekend cleaning and working on his truck. So he wasn't around very much. I continued to struggle with his kids, and at this time they still had visitation with their bm. And of course I was the one that dealt with her during the visits, and had to be a part of the transportation. His Lawyer wanted him to keep detailed documentation of the kids visits with their bm since they were still in the middle of a custody battle. So that meant I was in charge of keeping notes every weekend, and keeping records of all of her nasty messages she used to leave on our machine. All he ever had to do was show up in court, and make a few phone calls when I wasn't allowed to. Our relationship through this all was fairly good, aside from his lack of parenting skills. So I had hope on things turning around with him and his kids. 2 yrs later we married, and 4 months after our wedding while he was out over the road, he suffered a stroke at the age of 33. He was in the hospital for a week, and then went through 3 months of grueling physical therapy, which I had to drive him to, and help him with. I had to do therapy with him at home 3 times a day, and for the first two weeks he was home I had to bath him. He had lost the majority of his mobility on his left side. So it was very imperative for him to be persistent with his therapy, so he would have the chance to regain most if not all of it back. He fought with me a lot during this time, and I know he must have felt helpless since I had to basically help him with everything, so again, I stayed, and did what I could do. He went back to work 4 months after his stroke, and continued to be out for almost a week at a time. During the next 8 months I was on a tough search to find us a new home and dealt with banks, loan officers, realtors, and kept him informed through phone calls while he was out driving. We were living in a trailer that he and his ex owned, and it was way too small for our combined family. Plus we wanted to move closer to where the company was that he drove for. I found us a new home, and went through the whole process of applying for loans, and went to meetings with the bank and dealt with all the paperwork. Whenever he was home I would get his signatures on any necessary documents. Everything went through and I scheduled the closing for when he would be home, since he would obviously have to be there to sign the papers. The weekend this all took place was the same weekend we moved everything out of our trailer and into our new home. He was home 3 days for this, and left to head back out, leaving me with a new house full of boxes everywhere!! This was 2 1/2 weeks before Christmas Dec 2005. And only one week after moving in his son told me he wanted to try living with his bm. He felt I was too strict, and felt he shouldn't have any rules!! haha, ok! His dad allowed him to try it out, so I was the one who was in charge of contacting his bm and setting things up. She agreed he would come for visits when she came to pick her daughter up for visits. That never happened. She wouldn't take anymore of my phone calls and wouldn't get back to me about her son coming to our house to visit, even though she somewhat kept up with visits with her daughter. Though her visits gradually got less and less, and within 6 months her daughter stopped going to see her. During the yr and a half that her son was with her, she moved 3 times, changed the school he was going to twice, and never kept us updated with addresses or phone numbers. Once we finally tracked them done, we found he wasn't even living with her, he was living with his paternal grandmother!! And we had been paying support to her for him, and she didn't even have him. We got in touch with my step son and he said he wanted to come back and live with us again, so here he has been since 7/07. 2/07 my husband and I had our little girl, who is now 2. So here I am 4/09 living in our big home, raising my two and his two, and he is now with a different trucking company now for the past year, and he is gone 23-30 days at a time. My step daughter hasn't seen her bm since 7/06, and my step son hasn't seen her since we got him back almost 2 yrs ago. My step daughter is an exact twin of her bm. Looks and personality. Always telling everyone she has such a horrible life, family life, and she has no clue how to ever tell the truth. She is always lying about everything. Extremely two faced, and very pathetic. My step son, feels he should have no chores, no rules, and shouldn't have to go to school. I am constantly back and forth with his teachers, about work he doesn't turn in. Or bad behavior, or retraining he gets. And gets detention a lot. If I don't keep up with his school work on a daily basis...he doesn't do it. And that's when the detention starts, and the bad grades, and phone calls from teachers. He is 14...and I have been doing this with him since he's been in the 3rd grade!!! While he live with hi bm for 1 1/2 yrs, he failed the 7th grade!! No suprise to me!! But now that he is back with me, that just adds one more yr that I have to deal with him, and his school problems. My husband is obviously absent to all of this, and I understand that right now, job wise, there really isn't anything else for him to do to get him home more often, and still make the same amount of money! So financially he has to stay with the company he's with right now. But at the same time, I am at my witts end with his kids. I feel like I can't totally enjoy my own children, and spend the qaulity time with them that I would like, because I am ALWAYS dealing with his two. No one else is here to help!!! And I HATE IT!!! I wish his kids did not live with me, but I understand that my husband does not want them with their bm, since she is not capable of giving them what they need from a parent. The courts have even taken her shared legal and physical custody away from her. So now my husband has sole physical and legal custody, which basically means it's solely up to me to continue raising them. I know his daughter is going to be off to college in a little over a year, and I absolutely CAN NOT WAIT!!!! But I have another 4 1/2 yrs to deal with his son!! I find myself wishing these yrs away, but it sadens me, because in 3 1/2 yrs my daughter will be off to college, and my 2 yr old will be starting school. I don't want to wish away the yrs with my two, but I can't stand living everyday with my step kids!! I feel so stuck, and so helpless. I also feel terrible for the negative feelings I have for his kids. I am always trying so hard to show them how a parent should be, and that they are always there for their children no matter what. But deep down inside, I hate it. By the end of everyday, I just want to run away with my two kids, and never look back!! I just don't know what to do, or how to manage getting through these nest several yrs, till they move out!! Sorry this was a bit longer then I had planned...